Just the way you are....?

As I began typing this a reggae cover of Bruno Mars "Just the way you are," came on my playlist, and it seemed like an appropriate title.

I debated for hours if I wanted to write and share these thoughts? I was literally awoken this morning by a haunting and life shaking thought. I was tossing between dream and reality and reality looking back at a dream, only to realise this would take me if I didn't just get up.  That last mental statement was my dream self telling my real self to get up to write down this sentiment, thought, action, cry or however it falls on the receiver.  The real me said why write it down, just share it, another me said no just live it.  All of that woke me up to just wrestle with the thought that I should have written it down.

Knowing it was, well believing it was profound, I didn't feel it was my place to have to share it.  I at least wanted to remember it so I could live it.   Nothing came back, but I sat back and had some clear flashbacks to hours ago.  All I could think of was being a prisoner of my past.  The same past that has allowed me everything but a future, growth and happiness.  I looked back and still felt as if I had not completed or moved passed a horrible past that stunted lives, relationships, personal and professional growth and kept me behind a mask of incomplete. Why? Dam why? This is the stuff failure mountains are made of.

We look at the mountain and no matter from what side we approach it, we just can't climb to the top to overcome it. The mountain is soft so when you step on a challenge, you get sucked into the "you never overcame this pit!" Every step up, feels like a step in and deeper back into the mountain of failure. It's a challenge and daily I wonder who will validate me and absolve me of a past I'm too embarrassed to leave behind? Many say ask forgiveness, seek faith, move on and move up, haters gonna hate, love conquers all and many other key words from wealthy people who have conquered their mountains and demons. What's the phrase man, is all this backstory and whining necessary? Yes!

The phrase that awoke me this morning was "You can't appreciate a person's now if you continue to hold them against their then!" Asking a person to change, telling them they'll never change and not seeing their change is a tough place for them to be in. It's like asking a 6' person to stand tall in a 4' high box! No matter how much they try, they'll never stand up to 6'. I look at my mountains of failure and dam I have a lot of climbing or burning to do! Easing your conscience, forgiving yourself is tough.  It's really a matter of focusing on your daily victories and burning and burying the ashes of your past being. 

We have all been created for a destined purpose, we lose that aim when we make decisions and choices that aren't in line with our destiny.  If you believe that, then focus on that.  If you're struggling with road blocks, with getting over the hurt, with flashbacks of why you can't move fwd, I send you my faith for prayers strength and wisdom. We're all dealing or have dealt with demons and many times if can rear it's ugly head and try to remind you why you don't deserve success or happiness. Fight through, fight on. The world is big and your purpose has been waiting for you stop delaying progress.

The universe has blessed you daily with life and opportunities to move in the right direction, make better decisions and face your failures! Open your heart to receive what awaits you, unlock the mental cell and allow the positive progressive process to be at the forefront.

Perfectly, Imperfect!

I kept singing perfectly imperfect, to the tune of John Mayer's "Perfectly Lonely." As I searched the historical archives of Google and YouTube, I was certain that it was in fact John Mayer who sang Perfectly Imperfect and all the other versions were just covers. I mean so I was a little bit wrong, I lied, I was a lot bit wrong!

Nevertheless, I've been chewing on this title since my last post, but in greater depth after my exam a few weeks ago. The words made sense to me, as they rushed right into my mind and onto my tongue as to say, yeah another one. Another message of you're broken, but it's ok, not to worry about it, you'll be fine. For years I've always held on to the "you'll be fine part," and stayed away from the "you're broken part." See it's my laziness and my ease of winning people over that afforded me the mindset and the motivation to not work for the challenging things in life.

I sat and had a great conversation about this a couple of weeks ago and it left me in pain and swimming in an emotional puddle. I was asked the hardest series of questions of my life...Here it is verbatim.

"You need to put thought into why you give up and quit so easily? Who taught you how to stop so quick, and to stop fighting? Please identify where you learned that and from who? Can you clearly identify and be able to clearly explain why you feel so entitled and not willing to work for the things you want. Why do you feel things should be handed to you and not earned?"

For days and hours on end, all I could think of and wrestle with was no don't go there, don't unmask my ugly? Don't dig up the dirt you've buried, the ways of ease, don't walk down those roads that will unsettle the continuum. However, every step I took away from it as to bury my head, like a magnet, it kept bringing me back to a space that said you can't go forward by skipping over this step in the process. This step is a hurdle to victory and it can't be ignored, if you plan to move on from this stagnant place.

Looking at my past is hard, because I have looked back at the person I've lost. The me that I've thrown away to get to a place of trying to get to the next place. That person I miss, the me of old, minus his poor and hurtful decisions. Let me correct that, I don't know if regret is the right term, but I wish I learned more and faster from my errors. (Drafted on 26Aug17- an incomplete post)

STATIC: The incomplete journey

I promised myself that I would get up early today, as I needed to be in at work by 6 am. So I committed to that, but as I have in the past, I've said the same over and over again and would end up at work hours later. This time would be different, this time had to be different, as were some of the other days past from the last 8 months. No, but really I promised myself this time would be different and it had to be and nothing would change that, so there... that's what I believe I said to myself, my wife and my doubting self. 

JUST KEEP SWIMMING!

Well, I did it, I woke up early and left early! I think the heat/humid room making me sick also played a role in my rise this morning. I have to say it though, the great universe, My God had a plan for me and I had no idea. Say Whaaaattt?? I mean I take so much time to get ready and most of it is psyching myself to get up out of the bed, off the toilet, then take that shower, then get dressed, then do my daily nutritional aim, and then get to work. Everything before I get to the car, and every day feels like a load, and a journey and an inconvenience, but why? I'll get to that sometime; see there it is again, that "just let it be" attitude! That comma, or the three dots, the incomplete of incompletes have become my standard, but that's not what this post is about. I mean it, it will be in the following post, but for now... Static!

DON'T CHANGE THAT STATION!

Yes, I made it to the car, and while every step I took felt as if I was moving 100lbs (to a certain degree I am, my weight, my worries, my bag, my fears, my incompletes, my past, you know the drill) I still made it to the car, yet at which point when I got into the car, I was mentally drained for what was awaiting me on this day. See I got up early to get to the office early to prepare reports for a couple daily calls on the day's activities and business all before 8 am. So that's about 2 hours of preparation for about 40 mins of dialogue. Bleh. Anyways, my phones usually pair to my car once I get in and turn it on. It allows me the chance to stream music and wisdom I don't usually find in my area. (Insert plug for ViVid Streaming hosted by Rashidi @sundaddy12) It's either that or NPR to get me ready for the 45-minute commute to the city. (that's without traffic) Today for some reason, my phone(s) wanted to pair and every minute I'm in my lot, is a minute further I am from the office and closer to sitting in that Boston Traffic.

I wasn't to be bothered and those that know me well, I've got little to no patience for somethings, and this right here, this was one of those things! I had my foot on the brake and when neither phone would connect since the car was asking "anyone wanna join the party?" There was no response, like "radio silence" from my phones, and then the station that kicked on was playing a Christian Rock song, as I took my foot off the brake and put the car in reverse it started playing a classic Jazz tune. So I said to myself, I'm not changing the channel, either way, I'm getting something from this station. Now thanks to my great friends Mike F, and Paul K, I have basic knowledge about FM and how it works and as an avid driver, I know you just need to move closer to the source for a more clear signal. I made up in my mind that I was not going to change this station for the next 45 mins, No matter what!

HOLD ON I'M COMING THROUGH!

I thought that one of these stations would win out, but for some reason, I was in the mix and the clouds were hovering enough to keep the static as clear as day. Wow isn't this art imitating life? I've been in a haze for months, lost, confused and not receiving clarity. Now here I am in a car with a station that is receiving two signals. See I wasn't bothered as I was thankful that there was a Gospel station on FM in the area and secondly, I love a great jazz station as well. So my only wrestle was to stay committed to not changing the station and allowing a message to come through the static. So the gospel station started with some uplifting tunes and my spirit awoke, then it was hungry for me, and the Jazz station took over and it forced the pain and confusion to the surface and I started bawling out. Then it was the top of the hour and an NPR station started to drop some knowledge. Now I thought that either of these stations was an NPR station with a Jazz or Christian segment, but nope. So now there are three stations vying for my tears and ears. 

I'm still committed to not changing the station, but I want to because I don't want to be that guy crying on the highway who can't really see what's in front of him. It was beyond me. Every minute I had more pouring into me from the Christian station and the Jazz station and more tears pouring out. I couldn't stop it. I just needed this. I needed this, I needed this, I just really needed this!

 TUNED IN! 

This was a ride that was planned for me. This was a moment my spirit needed. This was something I didn't know was awaiting me. All I knew before I got up this morning was that I've lived a life of incomplete, I've failed a lot and fear taking risks. I know that I'm on the Hamster wheel, Grinding Gears and just inserting self into the motion. I've been asked for weeks, what's your plan? I've been frustrated that I couldn't see or create a plan, but like static you have to fine tune the noise for clarity. You need to move closer to the source for better sound and well in the noise there's always a message. My life and spirit needed a word from God today, and my clouded mind needed the reminder that Jazz when they freestyle makes amazing music. Every note I heard today connected with my spirit, dug up more and more tears, so know this.... I'm tuned in to the change! 

Scared to fail... PreOp

So I'm here and I guess that's a good thing, at least that's what I was told this morning.  I woke up today with the mindset that today was going to be a tough one as all of my days have been as of late. I decide with all the heat and humidity, I should wear a long sleeved heavy cotton shirt today, so I did. What I didn't realise was, today the color I chose lifted spirits and smiles, what bothered me was why not mine?

As I sit here at this pre-op surgery meeting, I'm telling myself I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I want to be ready, I should be ready, but I'm not. What do I say, let's go ahead and see if this makes a difference? Is this the answer or will it be just a bandage? My mind races wondering what do I say? Do I lie and continue this spiral or do I tell the truth and allow the universe to work it's way to me? The latter has me frustrated, as I feel lazy waiting and my anxiety goes up. So I pull the trigger and make hasty and poor decisions because I couldn't wait any longer.

I feel this is the story of my life since I feel as if my challenges have been me waiting all along because I'm still searching for where I belong.  Wrong. Sometimes waiting means to let everything fall and fail and then the answer will reveal itself. Easy to think, write or type hard to enact. No one likes to see things fail, but there's always a lesson in every failure. It's hard and tough to always psych yourself up to be and give great, but sometimes the coach needs a shoulder.

Far too many times I feel like the saying that says "I Never Finish Anythin..." I don't know if I never finish because my time is done and the next step awaits my arrival so I just cash out and disconnect or if I'm wired just to stop when I don't see the results I desire? How ever it is sliced, I need to make a definite decision on this step. Waking up like a Hamster, grinding gears, having greater desires boiling in me, reaching with no assistance, in a world where support direction and growth are lacking has me confused, bitter and dejected.

Today I pause to create a plan, seeing my tomorrow wrestling with my today has tired me out. I need to live in the present and prepare for the greater. More to come!

Mirror of Reflection (March 2014)

The MIRROR of TRUTH!

We see our reflection,
and through selection,
we amplify our imperfections,
while we hide behind our true intentions
our representative defends our perception!

Seeing isn’t believing, if you don’t believe what you see!
As the mirror has shown you reality,
Not the version you show to me,
We can close our eyes to no longer see the reflection
Yet in the darkest space, we aim for correction, perfection and Connection!

- CDF 2014 -

Holding on to Letting Go!

Take me as I am - Wyclef Jean f/Sharissa 

But girl you know that, you take me as I amEven though my fam don't understandWhy I put that rock up on your handThat's cos you take me as I am (take me as I am)

Wanna be loved - Buju Banton 

Wanna be loved

Not for who you think I am

Nor what you want me to be

Could you love me for me?

Real love, with no strings attached

I wanna give you me heart

Don't want to take it back

Paper Loving - Christopher Martin 

If you can't love me now

Don't love me later

When my later is much greater

Cah mi nuh waan no impersonator

-The Above lyrics pulled from Google - 

They may not be fully accurate or printed as intended by the artist and or composer. 

SO WHAT YOU LIKE LYRICS, AND....?

These lyrics all came to mind when I asked myself who are your writing for? Why are you writing, who needs to read this? What kind of approval are you seeking? What happens after this? Aren't you over the idea of being accepted? Are we ever? All of these lyrics played over and over in my head as I wondered why write again? They played when I asked myself what's next for you? They came to mind when I wondered where did I go wrong? They played over in my head when I wondered why am I trying to right the past? 

Yes, I'm embarrassed by my actions and decisions of my past and yet I feel like I will forever be bound and defined by them. I want to let go, but I feel that the persons I've wronged or hurt expect me to hold the guilt and shame forever as penance for my actions. Bruh, Get over it and Just LIVE!  Easy words to type and write, harder words to execute. All I wanted to get out of my thoughts were why can't I be loved for who I am. So all the lyrics while some refer to love, life, success and so forth, pieces of them spoke to my needs. Spoke to my spirit and really amplified what I was feeling. 

It felt good listening to the lyrics and pulling what reverberated in my mind and soul, but I kept getting push back from my overbearing past that kept saying you don't deserve to be happy until you fix this and that, pay this and correct that. I've felt stuck behind this for so long, and I sadly believe it's my fate! That's a very depressing mindset, but when you're beaten and broken, it's hard to see and be motivated to do or get more. Who wants to believe and accept that failure is their calling? Who wants to believe that the lack of accomplishment is your accomplishment for this life? 

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

My wondering of not completing had me tied up for the last 10 days wondering when I would write again and in that time I asked myself questions over and over and over again. You know when you ask yourself something so much, you talk yourself out of taking action. I used to always say in my former life... "those that think, don't act!" That really plays well into the world of #TeamWeStayConfused. 

I used it to help shape the point of reference for some people in my life to let them know that no decision is still a decision. The world of confusion is also a decision. It's easy to make, but tough to maintain since it's a decision that requires you to be pliable daily in a land of uncertainty with no destiny. I would never use that term for those making million dollar or life altering decisions. Clearly, the term has its time and place and doesn't apply for and to all. It does, however, have some weight and value to it. Speaking from experience of course. 

This all looks great on the screen, but what I've not told you yet is that I was the Resident Director at the WSC (We Stay Confused) Residence Hall. I always had one foot on the outside coaching those that were in, and the other foot was in trying to figure out how to not feel overwhelmed by this "decision." Remember I didn't think it was a final decision, I believed that because I was in the land of confusion I was either buying or pausing time. Neither was true and in fact, I lost a lot of time; time that will never come back and no one was ever willing to give back. 

Staying confused is still falling short of accomplishing something and you know why I remain confused FEAR! Yes fear, we come back to that topic and word that creates gaps not bridges to freedom. 

STOP HOLDING YOUR BREATH AND BREATHE! 

One of my most profound conversations this week asked me to let go. I was like no I can't, I mean that's what my spirit said, but my mouth, said you're right. I followed my spirit and not my mouth, shame on me, shame on me. I know that I need to get teh eff over this bullshit. I need to be bigger than the past I've failed at. I look back at it because I wanted to be everything that I'm not. I tried hard to be loved by the many ppl that couldn't and wouldn't love a fat black man in an area where "what would they say" trumped, what do they feel for each other. (FEAR) I wanted to be loved and appreciated I took to the stage and everything I did was to make the world laugh and know that you don't have to fear the big black guy in the room. He's cuddly and funny and loveable, but that was all temporary. I still want the likes, I want the double taps, I want the retweets, wait no I don't all of that wasn't around when I was growing up, but being accepted was. I have no one to blame, yet I have myself to hold accountable for holding my breath as if to say, hey it'll change. 

My mum used to always remind us according to the biblical scripture, "In order for things to change, I must be willing to change." I'm holding my breath, all the while someone else is living a life I've denied myself because I've allowed my embarssing past to shine greater than my promised future. I fell into a great Shark the other day,  and all I did was waste it and threw it away because all I kept saying to myself was, "you don't deserve this," and "your past will block your happiness," and "just stay below the radar." It took a dear friend to remind me to look at that moment from a different place and that may fuel my vision and drive.  

I close with this, as the Bishop TD Jakes once said... "God, If you won't let me be it, don't let me see it!" If you've got a vision and purpose assigned to you, it's your life to make it happen. 

Give life to life and stop giving life to death! 

Having little, but still having it all!

Matt Cusson is an amazingly talented artist that your music library needs.

This song speaks to me and reminds me that value isn't all about money and dreams do take time, especially the ones fueled by passion and purpose. To me one of the best lyrics, and the one I relate to so well is "My wallet's a joke, but it's nice being broke next to you!" 


 Matt Cusson - "Next To You" via Youtube 

When I first heard this song, I said to my wife it was a cover and that's not Matt's style to cover. (I scoffed and had a snobby tone to about it, as if his talent owed me an original tune. 😏) So sad to say as a supporter I was a bit taken back by this move. Saddened by my thought the only medicine was to listen to this infectious tune a few more times. Then as I listened to it more and more, I smacked myself and said wait a minute, this isn't a cover, I heard him sing this song about two years earlier at one of his shows. The sound in this song has this instant classic and timeless feel to it, so I ate my words and kept it on repeat! So Matt if you're reading this, I'm sorry man, but thankful cause I forced me to listen to this until my mental memory pulled up the time and place! 😊 (Sidebar Matt does some incredible covers, but makes them his own. His sound is unique so you'll know his flavor when he adds it!) 

This song is a true artists life. It's the life of a creative, the person that has a purpose and not a traditional roadmap. Having the right person, and it only takes the right person to help you get through. When I listen to this song I cry, and my wife knows why. In simple terms, when you've been blessed with an amazing gift, yet you don't take the time to appreciate it, or you fall short of supporting it, you feel less than. I chew on these lyrics and dry my tears, now my plan is to remember my why!

I'm nothing without the love and continued support of the people God and the Universe alike have brought me to. My failures are lessons that taught me to want more, to give more and to love more.  With that I share this amazing tune and journey with you and I close with gratitude to My Mum and Claudia (May you both rest in continued peace, and I pray to do you proud.) Charmaine, Clewi and my immediate and extended blood family, my wife Yline, my social and global family and Matt Cusson his wife Lisa and the Cusson family! 

 More Matt Cusson here!  

If it's meant to be....

If you love something let it go? Is this referring to life, passion or love? I mean in the end, it's all relationships, right?

When I was in high school my ex would always refer to this saying and loved the story of Johnathan Livingston Seagull. I took it as this is the glue that would keep us together down the rocky relationship road. You know the one where you are on the "let's take a break lane" four times in one week. Then the following week you're on "it's not you, it's me ave," just before you bang a right on "we need space street" only to be reminded on every block that if you're meant to be you'll find our way back to each other.

Me on the other hand, well I was a high school teenager. My passion and focus was in video production and finding my voice.  I mean, I was a minority and this outlet allowed me to find my lane. My color and my size had me standing out and at an immediate disadvantage, and now trying to date in an area that still had some challenges with race, but on a super super hidden level, I never had much luck "dating or loving" someone. I had a lot of experience, letting them go with the hopes they would come back with a change of heart. You know from the "I like you as a friend," and "oh you're so sweet" to "I'd love you as my boyfriend." I loved my ex (you know that high school love) and I didn't know that the saying wasn't so much a glue, but the bridge that would wedge its way in to keep us apart and it eventually won its place in our lives. So I never read the book and hope that the seagull found what it let go, but man, passion is also something I let go of. I felt like I was destined to always lose and continually give up as I wasn't deserving of happiness or success because I wasn't what "they" wanted. I wrestle with that to this day.....

It felt that much of my life I was trying to impress and love for all the wrong reasons. As I type this I realise that I was loving for the wrong reason and the wrong people.  One may never know, and I should turn my holding on, from the past and to my passion! 

As I sit here I wonder about my passion, you know if it misses me as much as I miss it? I mean far too much I've come close but never allowed it to get close to me. I've hurt so much and failed, even more, I didn't want to move to the thing that I'm created for because I didn't want to fail at the one thing I've been created for. How would that be if the one job, place or thing I've been created for I didn't allow to fit me like a glove? There's no way to give away your passion as the Bible says "your gift makes room for you." the question is if you do set it free will it come back to you? No, in this case, it's called giving up! Don't give up on your passion! Your passion awaits you as the ride to the destination. Are you ready to go? 

I close with this... if you're setting something free (a relationship with life, love, a job, etc....) take the time while it's gone to prepare. Prepare for life with or without it. There's no sense to hope for something you're not ready for. Just because you stand somewhere thinking you deserve something doesn't mean you're going to get it, especially if you're not ready for it. Sit with the good the bad and the ugly, Clear the cache and start at zero.

Remember that your passion awaits your journey, it already knows your coming! 

Mundane Refrain

(Written on August 3rd, 2016)

Sitting in my car tears flow from my eyes

still no answer to all of my whys 

everyday seems to be the same, but hoping I can leave this mundane refrain 

yes I'm hoping I can leave this Mundane refrain.

See what had happun was... and then, um,... ok let me start.

Entertainment is mah jam... I mean any and everything entertaining speaks to me. Today a customer came up to me and said I'm in town for work, and what not... then he said we go wherever they hire us, etc. So he continues to talk and he says I'm in town with the Wicked show. I'm silent and another customer chimes oh is that show great for kids 8 years or younger, to which the Gentleman replied, it's good, but not if they get easily scared. (To which my mind said this isn't for my kids.)

Now I'm sure many of you may have read this and may have been, like oh awesome the Musical is in town... oh noooooo, not me. It took me ner an hour to realise this cat was with the touring musical of Wicked! I was thinking is this a new Phish type group. I was thinking, I'm so out of it that a more senior customer was in the know on the kid's trends and I've got two of them. I felt so disconnected through the conversation, I sat there smiling as if to say... I'm with you but I'm not. All the while in my head, I'm wishing I could just google Wicked and see what this band plays. Was this a new Grande Bieber collaboration, what is it? I was soooooooooo worried that I lost my grip on the scene, that I almost belted out, ok look I have no idea what you're talking about, I'm just here for the cookies. I realised that would have been a tier down from the relationship we had built. I was sooooo confused...and ashamed...

So I came back to my office, after an hour still wondering what's this Wicked Band that's out there mashing up the waves and the scene and why am I not aware of them? As I began to type in google and the letters (WI...) I had the largest no way, moment or as you would say, Ah-ha! moment and totally said, man, I need to connect with this cat and tell him this hilarity. As I sat back and said, how did I miss that? How did I miss that HUGE moment? As a person created for Entertainment and lives off of it, (well not financially yet, but in time) I was like dude, bruh, homeslice, mijo, mah dude, how'd you miss that moment? I soon accepted that this was mine to miss!

Far too long I've been saying I want to, I need to, I hope to get back into Entertainment, but never said this is how. I've never laid out the plan, I just hope that someone will say, I like your energy, here's a job. Truth is, no matter how much you want to do something, or love doing it, it's still a business. I'm sad that I'm so disconnected for that which I love and it bothers me that I didn't pick up on that. I was the person at one time that had my hand on the pulse and knew what was happening all over in the world of entertainment for the region.

I leave you with this, you must always prepare for your next level, but don't wait for it!

When you wait for it, clearly it won't show up, but when you prepare for it, it will just be....If you love something set it free and it will come back if it's meant to be... Wait just let my passion die and it'll come back to me if it's meant for me?

You can't move when you're Parked!

I've spent the last few days crafting this post... I've been that busy, that sorted and that occupied, but the info has remained the same and the direction is true!











I was observing the gear shift in my car the other day while I sat at a parking spot, I was ready to go, but I almost felt like I was trying to Will the car to move. Using my failed Jedi mind trick to move the car, I sat there asking the car, so why aren't you moving? You know I want to go, you know I need to go, you know you want to go, so why don't you just go?

Why don't you just go? 

I mean it's not as easy as I make it seem right, it does take an effort to move the gear shift from Park to Drive. Did you notice that in between the two there's Reverse and Neutral? We pass over those quickly to get to Drive, only to find out the when you get somewhere you need to use Reverse to "fit" in the spot or to get out of the spot. Sometimes when you're waiting in a lot of traffic, it's best to let the car sit in Neutral for a bit as to not ruin the transmission. (The previous statement comes from a non-mechanically inclined person and should be read with a grain of salt!)  So what and who cares, so you know how to drive and can identify the gears on an automatic car. Why yes that it pretty obvi, however, the connection to life is there as well and I hope that many of you don't get stuck because you don't want to put the gear into drive.

Moving from Park to Reverse...  

As close as they are in the typical layout, going in reverse also seems to be the easy, most comfortable and simple thing to do. We find that many times going back to that which we find comfort and solace in is the easier move. Of course, it's easy to go from Park to Reverse, because it doesn't take any effort to go back to a familiar place. Everything is known to you, the rhythm and response are known and they help you feel back to a place of "norm." That facade has a life expectancy and a price. You can always take the easy path to Reverse, yet are you willing to go a bit further to Drive? You go back to the ex, to a past job, old friends, to a lost family member, to poor life-altering habits and then you find yourself shifting to Neutral with more time to think away from the past. This time in Neutral is a place you've come to enjoy, but feel guilty about being there, so you rush back to reverse. Taking all the hope, dream and desire for fwd progress away!  I remember this great saying or statement rather, The rearview mirror is smaller than the Windshield. See a bigger future beyond a limited past.

Move from Neutral.....

I mean why not? It's just another shift to progress! Sometimes when we're so comfortable coasting, it's tough to add the challenges that either fuel or drain us. It's easy to wish you could be in a better place, the desire for more is always good, but it's not worth anything more than the air it's carved upon if it just remains a desire. As the good book says..."Faith without work is dead!" Sometimes we need a place and space to just be; to let the now impact us and to just be connected to our present. At times this means putting the phone away, turning the TV, Radio, and mind off. Being at the concert and letting the music seep into your bones, mind, and spirit, so when you leave, you've been transformed. It's hard to share that energy on the many and easily accessible social media platforms. Imagine being in the state of openness to enjoy the state of now? It may appear to be a challenge to live there at times because we don't want to mess up the flow or it's hard to get to a place of Zen when you've let everything go! In truth, being still, allows you to receive more since you're focused on why you're there! At times getting sick, injured or just a point where your words can't keep up with your brain, to me are signs or triggers that force us to a neutral state. We need these times to remove and reset. It doesn't hurt to stop and allow the now to fill you with a deeper sense of the present. Once you connect with that, it may prove to be a useful tool and fuel to shift!

Now you're in Drive, where to?

You've done everything but move forward from your parked position. You took some steps forward, but also went in reverse and you took the time to stop and smell the now, but you're wondering, or maybe still fearful to put it into drive. Once you do, you need to step on the Gas to get going! I've been hesitant to put the gear in Drive and step on the gas. I ask too many why's and what if, and I'm not prepared for this. Not all risk is calculated, but neither are some of the great rewards they yield. Put it in drive and step on the gas, just don't crash, and even if you do, ask yourself..."did you die though?"  When I get annoyed or to a state of I need an out, I always hit the turtle mode. You know when you duck into your shell and just hope the world around you will disappear. No more is this acceptable because when you're close to the drive gear, you get easily annoyed, frustrated, argumentative and any other roadblock you can build becomes the priority. I was upset because I didn't shift to drive. I know I should have, I needed to, I must yet I just never did! I didn't move my life to the next level and everyone on the same level I was angry with, because I wanted out and or away from it, but I was scared/comfortable/embarrassed to shift to the next gear. It's time, the engine is revved and the spot is getting old it's time to move on to a more pleasant and progressive challenge. A place where you're valued, appreciated, considered and mentored for greater. A place where your contribution moves things forward and opens many doors and opportunities... That time is now... ready, set, shift!

Post Post Edit.... 
Even if you get a different car, the gears are the same, I mean unless you get a manual shift... but if you want to go somewhere, you still need to shift!

If you haven't mastered driving the car that's been a challenge, and if you remain the driver, the car won't make a difference. I reference this because I've been told for the last three weeks that I need to put a plan together, and I need to find something new. My WORK/life balance isn't sustainable, and this may be killing me. I was guided to find that job that calls me. Find that opportunity that makes your spirit smile. A job that doesn't take 80hrs/wk out of your life. My first instinct was to run and find a new job, yet my plan isn't in place and while the excitement would be great, it would also fall down in a week or two since there was no plan to sustain the move. Put the Plan in Place... tune in.... 

Face your fears! (Late Post or Repost)

After some really interesting news delivered to me yesterday,I soon realised that I gave my all for the wrong reasons and persons.  I left it on the court because I wanted the next level, well so I thought.

I thought because I had the least I HAD to offer and prove the most. I mean after all I brought the least amount of value to the table. (Sad self deprecating thought) Oh trust me this isn't emotions, it's fact and if I refused to acknowledge it, it would continue to be the death of me. I was asking for help, guidance, mentorship, anything that got me to the next level. Until I was recognized, I gave my all, but every day I was cheering someone else's victory on. 

After a while, I told myself, worry not You're Next! When they get their blessing, it means you're closer to yours. For years I told myself that, all the while in the background the "promoters" were saying "oh he ain't ready, aaannnnnd we're not going to help him get ready!" Thanks but no thanks! Thanks for all your hard work to advance my pocket and place in history, but nah I cant and won't help you get to yours.

I blame only myself.  I reached out for direction and guidance to the point where I felt like my arms are head wete going to separate from my body.  If felt like searching for help and guidance became a full-time job. At one point I thought it was supposed to be, and I was wrong.  If people wanted to help me, they would have with a willingness. Sad reality was, they only helped me with a nugget then passed me off to the search again. Whether they weren't capable of being a great coach, had zero desire to help someone advance, or were only interested in self preservation it left me saying ok in order to survive, I too must become like this.

I gave up on searching for better and became complacent, and said oh well. Then the world started to crumble and I needed to focus on the next for me. My fear like a hangnail was hey you're going to get cut, but just hang in there until the decision is made for you. It's sad to have trusted and only be lied to from the jump. To put your hopes into something bigger than self. To believe that this is a path to your dreams or stability. To give up so much to get so little and to realise it meant nothing because I did it for free and continued to do it.

Yup I get it, I was too desperate for direction and lost my way. I was hungry for the next thing, never enjoyed the current thing and let someone else steal my thing! I've given up so much and accepted failure as a part or fact of my life. I hate accepting that because it sets a horrible precedent for my family.  I honor and respect my brother for the highest achievement he's attained in his field.  Everything I hoped for he has attained and never gave up! So I know it's possible...I always believed, That if God got you to it, he'll get you through it.

My mindset was, if I get to be a genius at 75, he'll give me the life and opportunity to explore, expose and impact with that! It won't be death as an immediate option but impact for greater untill he called me home. So I've been rushing to find the level I'm supposed to be at in every stage of my life so I could get as much time at the place I'm supposed to be at.

My friends I leave you with this...Go with your gut, and kick fear in the nuts....Find your bliss! (See link below)

 Find Your Bliss - Will Smith 


 Leadership by TD Jakes  

Have you Ever?

I was listening to an NPR story today about "Amateur Pianist" (See Link Below) that were participating in a conference in Paris. The one story that stuck with me was the engineer, that said he heard a piece performed and he just cried since he had taken about two years away from music. He continued to say that "I don't think it's a choice, it's more of a calling; You don't have a choice!"

I heard that and said... AMEN! Have you ever just cried for the thing that you know you're created to do? Have you been deaf to your calling, to the destiny that awaits your awakening? For months I've had this emotional battle with tears and fears. Daily my tears consume me because my fears drive me. Fearful if I quit, fearful if I piss someone off, fearful if I show up to that place, fearful if our paths cross again, fearful to live the life I've been created for. Now I'm not trying to drop anything into your world that's far fetched, yet I can't seem to shake these tears. It's like my body knows it's in the wrong place. It knows that all of this "working," "hustling," "grinding" (Grinding Gears in many cases, as taught by my Pastor in Aruba, Sr. Pastor Harold Grant.) are all leading and yielding the same thing... not a darn thing! 

You've got to do something different if you expect different results, but how can I when I'm scared? I love music, theatre and live entertainment, this I know to be true! No I mean love it with every fiber of my being. I enjoy seeing people smile and respond to a great time on any level! I love music so much, I'm drawn to many cultures, genres, and artists that speak to my spirit in languages I can't understand or speak in my natural mind or tongue. I find myself drawn to a style, a mood and a moment that speaks volumes about my past, my now and my forever. I love the artist, their process, their story and their love of sharing! This is why I support so many of them and I'm always moved by music as there's always a response to my mood within the musical sphere! 

As I write this my mind is still wondering, do you want to keep waking up with headaches, high blood pressure, poor eating habits, starting your day off bad before you leave the house, loss of extended family time, loss of life, loss of summer, loss of your kids lives, and so much more? Is it worth it for the salary that lasts only two days once you've been paid? Are the 14 days between each pay worth the agony, anger, frustration and repetitive nature that only seems to be setting you further back from your purpose? The easy answer is no, the difficult choice is saying YES to a new start! I know I should, I know I need to, I know I must, yet I know I'm broke, I know I'm just one voice, and I know that it may be a long shot. But do I really know it, or am I so used to falsely knowing the unknown that it's become the real unknown known?! 

I cry because I'm lost, I cry because I'm hurt, I cry because I'm stuck, I cry because I don't have an answer, I cry because I'm unhappy, I cry because my spirit needs more! I believe that every tear I shed, deposits into a future that awaits my light! 


NPR - Paris Hosts International Piano Competition For Outstanding Amateurs