Have you Ever?

I was listening to an NPR story today about "Amateur Pianist" (See Link Below) that were participating in a conference in Paris. The one story that stuck with me was the engineer, that said he heard a piece performed and he just cried since he had taken about two years away from music. He continued to say that "I don't think it's a choice, it's more of a calling; You don't have a choice!"

I heard that and said... AMEN! Have you ever just cried for the thing that you know you're created to do? Have you been deaf to your calling, to the destiny that awaits your awakening? For months I've had this emotional battle with tears and fears. Daily my tears consume me because my fears drive me. Fearful if I quit, fearful if I piss someone off, fearful if I show up to that place, fearful if our paths cross again, fearful to live the life I've been created for. Now I'm not trying to drop anything into your world that's far fetched, yet I can't seem to shake these tears. It's like my body knows it's in the wrong place. It knows that all of this "working," "hustling," "grinding" (Grinding Gears in many cases, as taught by my Pastor in Aruba, Sr. Pastor Harold Grant.) are all leading and yielding the same thing... not a darn thing! 

You've got to do something different if you expect different results, but how can I when I'm scared? I love music, theatre and live entertainment, this I know to be true! No I mean love it with every fiber of my being. I enjoy seeing people smile and respond to a great time on any level! I love music so much, I'm drawn to many cultures, genres, and artists that speak to my spirit in languages I can't understand or speak in my natural mind or tongue. I find myself drawn to a style, a mood and a moment that speaks volumes about my past, my now and my forever. I love the artist, their process, their story and their love of sharing! This is why I support so many of them and I'm always moved by music as there's always a response to my mood within the musical sphere! 

As I write this my mind is still wondering, do you want to keep waking up with headaches, high blood pressure, poor eating habits, starting your day off bad before you leave the house, loss of extended family time, loss of life, loss of summer, loss of your kids lives, and so much more? Is it worth it for the salary that lasts only two days once you've been paid? Are the 14 days between each pay worth the agony, anger, frustration and repetitive nature that only seems to be setting you further back from your purpose? The easy answer is no, the difficult choice is saying YES to a new start! I know I should, I know I need to, I know I must, yet I know I'm broke, I know I'm just one voice, and I know that it may be a long shot. But do I really know it, or am I so used to falsely knowing the unknown that it's become the real unknown known?! 

I cry because I'm lost, I cry because I'm hurt, I cry because I'm stuck, I cry because I don't have an answer, I cry because I'm unhappy, I cry because my spirit needs more! I believe that every tear I shed, deposits into a future that awaits my light! 


NPR - Paris Hosts International Piano Competition For Outstanding Amateurs