Get a little closer... (2 of 3) Is it fair?

Wait,  whaaaaaaaaaat? Forgive myself for hurting people? 

Shouldn't they accept my apology for me hurting them, and then I can work on forgiving me after they have forgiven me? 

Is it fair? That sounds fair, right? That makes sense right? It's been my rationale for years and here I am still stuck. I hate writing about me and sounding like I'm complaining or whining, but in reality, I've hidden for so long that the emotions and actions of who I was haunt me daily and have created a darker parallel world that is so unfair to my reality. 

WHEN DID I LOSE ME? 

I lost me at the age of 20 and that person has been living a deep dark well criticism, failure, and pain. I try to hide behind various roles, relationships, coattails and so much other pretend ish.  The person I was to be, the person I thought and promised I would be, the person with joy and light was lost around the age of 20. Do you recall when you lost your smile, your light, and your dream? Do you recall when you found it or had that ah-ha moment when you said this is what I'm willing to die for no matter what? My faith has me wrestling with the idea that I was created for bigger, and the wrestle is with my reality that says you don't deserve it because you've not deposited enough good Karma or it's not been an equal gain vs loss. Confusing right? 

WHY ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE BRO? 

How do you think I can live in this world of sadness, darkness and depressive energy? It's because of the fact that I've made pain, loss, and sadness my reality, despite the amount of joy, love, and light I have been blessed with. I never gave them my full attention, love or investment. I never looked deeper for my reason for being given those items. I focused more on the fact that I took light, love, and joy from someone, there is no way me having it would last, so I never gave it enough life, love, and light. I kept cutting the root from the blessings, I wouldn't let it settle or give it enough room or love to grow and sustain me or the source. It's been tough robbing myself of the greatness that I possess and my purpose. It's sad that I have stolen time from people that I never developed or grew into more because I never allowed it to. 

A thief that never allowed the wall to be knocked down, that never allowed the bad to just fade away and let the life of now shine. I was too scared to fail so I killed progress before it happened. 

THE DARKNESS NEEDS LIGHT! 

We all know there's a season to everything and as the Bible says, joy comes in the morning....I've wished for too long that my mornings would never come to be...