Wow what a powerful statement to admit, and believe me your life shifts when you say it and own it!
....but, let's rewind for a little bit.
So it's clear that I've not been here for some time, but let's also admit it, neither have you! 😁😉 Ok now that's out of the way, let's speak on it for a minute. I've not been here as for many of us life happens, and socials always tend to take a piece of our lives we're willing to give up. So my presumption is that if you piece all the socials together you'll get a full sense of my current state, but that's a lie right about now. It's been covered by lots of shade or lack or transparency! I'm about to go deep, or surface until it hurts, but let's dive in.....
Recently I've been in a funk..like a deep ass funk. I'm mean to many close to me, I'm distant to many close to me, I'm lost in a false version of me. I'm so happy for the many in my world whether it's one or two layers of connection that continue to do what makes them happy. To circle in a world that moves them and their worlds forward. Everyday I keep praying, but not giving up control for what will be my break?
I thought that some recent conversations would have led to the next thing for me, but the reality was/is I am not ready for it. I mean the best thing could be in front of me but I haven't done the work to prepare for it and I am quick to blame a series of past doings on why my present is stunted! I know what I want and what gives me life and I can push through so much to get close it, but if I can't overcome the barricade to accept and live in it, then it matters not. So why am I scared to die?
I answered a question recently of what do I fear? While it took me about 12 hours of chewing on it I finally accepted that my fear is being stuck and complacent! That to me is a death sentence! I don't want to accept that searching is my purpose in life. That's selfish. There is a gift within me that I was created to give and that will be fulfilling for me. I can't spend another 20 years searching and feeling like there is a weight on me that is just trying to kill me because I'm not where I need to be. I would rather that be an energy of enlightenment and life!
I'm scared because I know that I'm scared to take a risk of being without. I made a promise to myself and family that we will never lack again. Ironically the suffering, mental death and sacrifice I'm making now, are making the world around me lack the true version of me and my being. What a perplexing space to be in.
I need a job where I can live and enjoy living and a better balanced me! One where I can travel, I can help you be your best you, I can make a great salary, I can get the team, Brand, business and self to the next level and lastly one that allows me to use my strengths!
Before I get there the plan is to work on self and accept some more and dump some of my ugly to allow me to shift to the better me that awaits! I know it awaits because it keeps disrupting my status quo!
