Face your fears! (Late Post or Repost)

After some really interesting news delivered to me yesterday,I soon realised that I gave my all for the wrong reasons and persons.  I left it on the court because I wanted the next level, well so I thought.

I thought because I had the least I HAD to offer and prove the most. I mean after all I brought the least amount of value to the table. (Sad self deprecating thought) Oh trust me this isn't emotions, it's fact and if I refused to acknowledge it, it would continue to be the death of me. I was asking for help, guidance, mentorship, anything that got me to the next level. Until I was recognized, I gave my all, but every day I was cheering someone else's victory on. 

After a while, I told myself, worry not You're Next! When they get their blessing, it means you're closer to yours. For years I told myself that, all the while in the background the "promoters" were saying "oh he ain't ready, aaannnnnd we're not going to help him get ready!" Thanks but no thanks! Thanks for all your hard work to advance my pocket and place in history, but nah I cant and won't help you get to yours.

I blame only myself.  I reached out for direction and guidance to the point where I felt like my arms are head wete going to separate from my body.  If felt like searching for help and guidance became a full-time job. At one point I thought it was supposed to be, and I was wrong.  If people wanted to help me, they would have with a willingness. Sad reality was, they only helped me with a nugget then passed me off to the search again. Whether they weren't capable of being a great coach, had zero desire to help someone advance, or were only interested in self preservation it left me saying ok in order to survive, I too must become like this.

I gave up on searching for better and became complacent, and said oh well. Then the world started to crumble and I needed to focus on the next for me. My fear like a hangnail was hey you're going to get cut, but just hang in there until the decision is made for you. It's sad to have trusted and only be lied to from the jump. To put your hopes into something bigger than self. To believe that this is a path to your dreams or stability. To give up so much to get so little and to realise it meant nothing because I did it for free and continued to do it.

Yup I get it, I was too desperate for direction and lost my way. I was hungry for the next thing, never enjoyed the current thing and let someone else steal my thing! I've given up so much and accepted failure as a part or fact of my life. I hate accepting that because it sets a horrible precedent for my family.  I honor and respect my brother for the highest achievement he's attained in his field.  Everything I hoped for he has attained and never gave up! So I know it's possible...I always believed, That if God got you to it, he'll get you through it.

My mindset was, if I get to be a genius at 75, he'll give me the life and opportunity to explore, expose and impact with that! It won't be death as an immediate option but impact for greater untill he called me home. So I've been rushing to find the level I'm supposed to be at in every stage of my life so I could get as much time at the place I'm supposed to be at.

My friends I leave you with this...Go with your gut, and kick fear in the nuts....Find your bliss! (See link below)

 Find Your Bliss - Will Smith 


 Leadership by TD Jakes  

Have you Ever?

I was listening to an NPR story today about "Amateur Pianist" (See Link Below) that were participating in a conference in Paris. The one story that stuck with me was the engineer, that said he heard a piece performed and he just cried since he had taken about two years away from music. He continued to say that "I don't think it's a choice, it's more of a calling; You don't have a choice!"

I heard that and said... AMEN! Have you ever just cried for the thing that you know you're created to do? Have you been deaf to your calling, to the destiny that awaits your awakening? For months I've had this emotional battle with tears and fears. Daily my tears consume me because my fears drive me. Fearful if I quit, fearful if I piss someone off, fearful if I show up to that place, fearful if our paths cross again, fearful to live the life I've been created for. Now I'm not trying to drop anything into your world that's far fetched, yet I can't seem to shake these tears. It's like my body knows it's in the wrong place. It knows that all of this "working," "hustling," "grinding" (Grinding Gears in many cases, as taught by my Pastor in Aruba, Sr. Pastor Harold Grant.) are all leading and yielding the same thing... not a darn thing! 

You've got to do something different if you expect different results, but how can I when I'm scared? I love music, theatre and live entertainment, this I know to be true! No I mean love it with every fiber of my being. I enjoy seeing people smile and respond to a great time on any level! I love music so much, I'm drawn to many cultures, genres, and artists that speak to my spirit in languages I can't understand or speak in my natural mind or tongue. I find myself drawn to a style, a mood and a moment that speaks volumes about my past, my now and my forever. I love the artist, their process, their story and their love of sharing! This is why I support so many of them and I'm always moved by music as there's always a response to my mood within the musical sphere! 

As I write this my mind is still wondering, do you want to keep waking up with headaches, high blood pressure, poor eating habits, starting your day off bad before you leave the house, loss of extended family time, loss of life, loss of summer, loss of your kids lives, and so much more? Is it worth it for the salary that lasts only two days once you've been paid? Are the 14 days between each pay worth the agony, anger, frustration and repetitive nature that only seems to be setting you further back from your purpose? The easy answer is no, the difficult choice is saying YES to a new start! I know I should, I know I need to, I know I must, yet I know I'm broke, I know I'm just one voice, and I know that it may be a long shot. But do I really know it, or am I so used to falsely knowing the unknown that it's become the real unknown known?! 

I cry because I'm lost, I cry because I'm hurt, I cry because I'm stuck, I cry because I don't have an answer, I cry because I'm unhappy, I cry because my spirit needs more! I believe that every tear I shed, deposits into a future that awaits my light! 


NPR - Paris Hosts International Piano Competition For Outstanding Amateurs

My mistakes keep haunting me...

As a person that was raised in a faith-based home, we were always taught to forgive and forget, and I'm sure many of you were taught that lesson as well.

As I got older, it was reinforced to me that "God doesn't see your mistakes, he only sees your purpose." Then I had to learn that forgiveness is a state of mind and that God can't bless you if you can't forgive you.

I've wrestled with this for years and always allowed my mistakes to take a hold of my present and block my future. While I know that I'm not perfect, and Lord knows I wish I were more improved than my former self, that person can't seem to disappear. It's almost like every time, I have a chance to forgive myself and move on, I think of the hurt I caused, the reputation ruined and the future I've blocked topped with "What do they think of me?" 

That last sentence is the dagger! For many years I lived my life under the mindset of I don't give an eff what they think of me. Now here I am, held hostage by the "they" of my past. It's not often that I think on them, but when I do it shuts me down. It steals my smile, my future, and my purpose. Because I fear what they will say about me, what they feel about me and whom will they tell about me? :-/ What sucks about this is that I KNOW THAT I CAN'T CHANGE ANY OF IT!

I feel guilty for living, trying to "prove" I'm not bothered by their thoughts, opinions, comments,  yet I feel dead with the false life I've been forced to live which has been me allowing the "they" to steal my joy! 

My past isn't pretty, my present has been murky, but my Future is pissed because while it waits for me, I'm dancing with a past I can't change..... To be continued!

A Blog. A BLOG? A Blog! - Yeah, so this is happening

Why write a blog, Curtis? I mean who really cares about what you're thinking, feeling, hoping, wishing, dreaming and any other ing out there? The fact may be probably no one, yet in truth, I've tried writing a blog for years. The keyword is tried! I always had what I thought were great ideas, and fun stories to share, but never made the time or talked myself out of sharing. There were many times when I felt a movement to share, but it would sit before me as if it would self-publish. I would take the time to revise, and revise, and revise and still not post. So why now?

This to me is a chance to share, care, help others if they desire to move past their now. I'm hoping that sharing will help me better understand my now and prepare me for my tomorrow. Some of this may make sense, some of it may not. Some may get offended, others may be enlightened. All in all, I'm hoping, nay I'm on a mission to find my out... in!

This is a journey and whether you stay on or never jump on, I'm just hoping I don't embarrass those that love me and those that desire to know me. I'm going to do my best to be as unfiltered as possible, telling of my journey and transformation. I hope over the course of time, me today, will be a footnote for the me of the greater tomorrow. It's not easy, to be honest, it's not easy to hold the mirror up to yourself and tell on yourself, watch yourself and understand the tears you've caused yourself. It's not easy to be brutally honest and not result in change so I will be on a complex journey. One that may not be pleasing to many, yet necessary for me!

I'm only sharing with the hopes that if your words are caught up in the mess and virtual, mental clutter that's your life, that this may ease and assist with the creation of some direction towards a better you and you too can find your out, in!