Huwhuuut you say meng? I guess for me the unease of looking around for the better me, has been a battle I've wrestled with for many years. I don't want this to come off as I still don't have it all together, but more so, I'm getting the pieces together. Let me start here....
To all of my friends and social connections. I support you, because I love what you do! Whether we are connected socially, through school, work, or other friends, my appreciation of you isn't any less because of my direct or indirect connection to, or with you. I am excited for you and all that you do, because you have been chosen to do that thing! My life's choices and influences didn't allow me to travel the world when I wanted to. It didn't allow me a getaway every three months, it didn't open stage doors for me, didn't create a wealth of income and other degrees and accolades that amount to something. I'm here, and you're there and I'm truly happy and excited for you!! Real talk, there was a time when I was deeply jealous of you, jealous of your accomplishments, jealous of all you had and all that I lacked! My reaction was to distance myself, feel guilty or just shy away in shame, then I had to ask myself and read the many quotes that said things along the lines of "be you, everyone else is already taken!"
I took that to heart a few times, but then buried myself again into the pits of "not good enough," and continued to spiral down the road of regret and shame. Who would or could pull me out? Can't be the same person that put me there (Not me)? I believed that I couldn't pull myself out of a space that I had created and kept digging for myself. You know when there isn't room on the elevator, but you still force yourself in, that's what I did with my pit of guilt and shame. I continued to put more noise in my head and I drowned it out, by burying my head further. Making room in crowded area that wasn't even fit for an ant. It took me many years to realise, and circle back to my biblical roots that stated we were all created (called) for a particular reason. I wrestled with that because I felt so much of my dreams were so vivid and at a level of real that I felt like I would wake up and be living in it. When I realised that too many times my dreams would not and/or had not become reality, I had to pivot to just surviving, thus created a mindset of continued failure and "why aim if there's no gain?" Similarly as Bishop T.D. Jakes said in a sermon once, "don't let me see it, if you won't let me be it!"
My life's calling was awaiting me and I had to get out of this pit! I had no reason to stay there and live it out as if it was true and factual. It was a moment in time that was necessary as I moved towards what I had an itching for. I knew that somewhere along my life I would find my calling, purpose, reason, you know the thing that I was birthed for. Whatever it's called, you never see if when your going through the process of sharpening. We always feel we don't have what it takes to be great, or a version of our greater present. So this is where I realise I'm rambling and I say wake up you are here for a reason. Don't know what it is.... don't worry you soon will!
I had to stop failing and shift my stinking thinking! You know when you put bad in, you get bad out, because your POV is fixed on seeing only bad. I had to give up on giving up and push myself just a little bit more than what I was doing before. There's a lot left and I wasn't sure I would be around to accomplish any of it. I allowed my mindset to cheat me out of a life that I could have enjoyed more.
What's that mean? It means that I now know my thing, well I at least have a clearer direction towards it. For years I knew what I enjoyed, then I knew what I loved, then I knew what I was good at and just kept moving from job to job, but not moving in my space of success! You know I was always led to believe that you can't shine in a group, I should always be a team player, take on thankless jobs, just be a silent participant, but no one ever told me why or the benefit of my sacrifices. It can be demoralizing and discouraging if you don't have a goal or even know what the results of your efforts are.
For years I wore mediocrity as a badge of honor and felt bad whenever I wanted to feel good! It killed me inside because I wanted to be a better version of what I was accepting or led to accept. For years I worked in spaces where I would give up my being, hide my identity, hide my gift, never admit my talent and shy away from the doors I could have kicked down if I worked on my confidence, defining and accepting my talents. What's all this matter anyway? You're many years from being too old, too relevant and too valuable. Well that's a lie! In recent years I've come to grips with the fact and reality that I am created for a reason. I am destined to travel a path that doesn't mirror the ones I've been jealous of, supported, elevated I r created! My tears, my depression, my life, my gains, my losses, hits and misses have all been lessons I needed to learn, roads I had to travel to sharpen, shape, refine and elevate my gifts and talents!
There was a time when I stepped out of my faith and lost a spiritual connection that I know was a gift that I abused one time and used for my personal gain. (Nothing illegal or harmful to self or others) I stepped away and it never came back because of my ill use of it, lack of understanding, immature and irresponsible mindset which didn't align with why I had it and what it was needed for during that time in my life.
Now, I know that my gift and talent acceptance and embrace comes with a voice of confidence, a level of clarity, a bit of uncomfortable conversation, but the results yield what many have avoided...my true self and purpose! Because I know my thing and have wrestled accepting it for 10 years (this year marks 10, thank you Mistah Smith!). Was it wasted time? Only if I throw away my clarity and the lessons the journey brought me. My talents aren't for everyone, my gifts aren't for everyone, my apologies aren't for everyone, my destiny isn't for everyone and my assistance and words won't be accepted by everyone, but we are all created for a purpose so everyone will either live out theirs or die wishing!
No matter how minor or major your vision is, once you align with the knowledge that you fit the path carved out for you, things move in a way that yields more clarity.
What's it feel like?
It's like a shield is before you, but it's not protecting you it's used to break through all the walls of bullshit, bad vibes, poor relationships, sucess and growth blockers, anything that has stolen your vision, your joy and your direction! You feel like you're wearing a cloak that provides you a level of confidence and invisibility, and let's you only see the path that leads you to the next level! You don't ignore the noise and distractions along the way, but you are more sensitive to the world as it's presented to you.
Question; Does the bullshit matter and who truly decides what and why does it matter? Only YOU!!!
Why can't we encourage everyone to find and live in their true space? Can we live alone and still be happy? I'mma say yes, but it's a daily battle until you share, and help others find their talents and gifts! Many of us have ppl in our lives, real or virtual for validation or digital cred, but still feel so empty, so alone and so lost. I find myself fighting for acceptance at a table that I wasn't invited to, and as much as the host says they want me there, none of the guests do, so what do I do? I find myself at night in a city with lots to do, having no one in my social circles to enjoy it with.
Know this, the desire for acceptance always comes with an exponential amount of rejection, either overtly or internally, but it doesn't last forever! My suggestion take the desire, convert it to self wonder and dig deeper and connect to your talent and gifts! It's in you...the person who validates that isn't judging you, but are waiting for you!
Teach someone to love themselves. Show someone how to harness their gift and talents. Support someone that's hurting inside and wants to be accepted! Show them how to be stronger than the words of validation they seek! Show them how to live their truth! It's not filtered, it's not pretty, it's not always sunny, but it's all them, it's all you!!!!
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