09 June 2019

Live life on purpose!

The following was shared from the Live.Pray.Love Daily app. This seemed so fitting and I thought it was a great nugget worth sharing. At times we forget to live life on purpose. Enjoying our present, not too wrapped up with living for the future and harboring the past! Be Here, Be Now, Be Alive, Be Love!

Elizabeth Gilbert Says: "But is it such a bad thing to live like this for just a little while? Just for a few months of one's life, is it so awful to travel through time with no greater ambition than to find the next lovely meal? Or to learn how to speak a language for no higher purpose than that it pleases your ear to hear it? Or to nap in a garden, in a patch of sunlight, in the middle of the day, right next to your favourite fountain? And then to do it again the next day?"

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.live.pray.love.daily


07 June 2019

Memor(ial) Lane 3 of 5.... It took long to face this road!

Believe something long enough and it becomes real... I forgot who said that when I heard it last week. I've been sitting on this installation for over a week now. I promised myself I would write this a day after the last one, then two days to allow a breather for me emotionally and the possible readers from fatigue, then I said I'll just mirror a week from the previous Sunday so I could say last week and be accurate. I then talked myself out of it, and then Monday happened and I had some commitments that couldn't be broken and that left Tuesday that also got sidetracked and then a week of volunteering, so here we are.

As I write this I look back, it may appear that I wasn't in a rush to get the info out on this story, but in truth, I discussed it four times over the week because I couldn't believe how much I gave up by being a selfish jerk during this time of my life. These little snippets into my life and my transformation have been great and while I know the value and benefit they are to me, it didn't come easy or in a rush. I wish it did, but in reality, one needs to stop living a lie in order for them to live their truth! 


SALEM, MA 26 MAY 2019 - The secrets within...

As I've mentioned before, with our son's baseball schedule consuming much of our weekends, we've not been on or able to commit to our random weekend getaways. So with the holiday weekend, we decided to do some local trips, less than 2 hours each way and as Sunday approached, I knew we couldn't go far or do an overnight as we had plans in CT on Monday for Memorial Day. I don't recall how we landed on the destination for Sunday, but I do recall that stirring in my stomach and the unease I felt when my wife suggested Salem, MA.

My thought process includes what locations do we avoid, who still lives there, what's there to see/do on a Sunday, is it worth going to one place or another, how do I get there again, which memories do I want to trigger, do I want to visit past failures and all of that is swirling before I say yes and even after I say sure. The latter was me accepting that this weekend is about growth and I had to accept that nothing will change unless I do. I was scared as what, but also was sick of running and being fearful of a past that had well run its course and lived its life and did its damage.


WHAT DID THE CITY EVER DO TO YOU? 

When we first arrived we drove around looking for parking and at first, I kept telling myself in all the years I lived here, I could only recollect about maybe visiting 5 places in the city. That may not be a big deal to some, but for a city that was filled with so much and had a huge tourist population only visiting/eating at roughly 5 places is pretty sad. Correction there was possibly 8 places I recall in the city. 5 were restaurants/bars the other 3 were locations for business meetings. I felt so lost and as a true tourist. I had driven by or had been told about many of the places in the city, but I never took my time or took anyone up on seeing more of it.

I was yet again a self-imposed prisoner. We first went through the little mall, and all I knew there was a movie theatre. I couldn't believe how much business was in there and so much to see and enjoy. It was great to see the themes, and how these SMB kept the city going. We exited into an area with more stores, musicians and just energy of this is life. I couldn't believe how much-hidden gems existed in the city. I always felt like the city was a waste of my time and it was just the host to the college. I could not believe all of the stores, quality craftspeople, eateries and art that made this city such a destination. Ok, so what? You found out the city had commerce... and?


HOW MUCH WAS LOST IN THE DARK? 

Why was this a big deal to me many years after my departure from the city? I will admit as someone that had elected positions during my time at college, as public as that side of me was, I was living a private and dark life of dishonesty. It's because of that so much of my time in that city was such a  blur and one that I'm embarrassed to share. I kept my relationships private and my nose clean for a variety of reasons. On my relationships, one reason was that it allowed me to keep my options open.

Now, this isn't an exclusive concept and one that I'm sure some of you may have done or been the unknowing recipient of.  Because of this, there was a lot of what's done in the dark, would never come to light. Well now, I'm shedding some therapeutic light on it, but in reality, it's sad because that action kept me away from people, genuine relationships, opportunities, experiences and of course a city filled with so much life and light! I wouldn't want to be seen for fear that my relationships would cross or be exposed, I didn't want to be seen in public as the appearance of a "date" would mean we had to establish something and then it was real and then I was stuck.

I had many nights where the conversation never left my room or hall, and in retrospect what a shame. I kept myself and those in my life away from an experience that would and could have shaped their social spectrum in a better and more positive light. I can't believe how much I was hiding, from my race, from my true self, from my failure as a person, from my inability to love and care beyond my selfish ways.  As wicked of a city as Salem presents itself, I was wrestling with more darkness and unhappiness and just stewing in poor and unhappy relationships or interactions.


WHAT WAS LOST CAN'T BE REGAINED! 

The words of this man, facing the mirror is not proud of the lives he stunted during his time in the city of Salem. The pain still rings in my ear, mind, and heart as if the witch trials were to happen again. I've been at the stake for many years, but just burning and playing the pain over and over again. Never allowing the loop to cease, or the resolution to evolve, mature and just fade away.

What I focused on remained alive and well,
and I kept death alive! 

I chose not to let go of the pain that I caused and harbored that for many years. I mean do you know how much it sucks to go to someplace so big that your anxiety would make it seem so small by the fear of that person coming to blow up your spot. Them holding a grudge so long that they can't want to hurt and damage you to an equal or greater extent. Imagine NYC feeling like a block long and every error you've ever made in life was behind each door waiting to smack you for repayment. That's my prison on repeat. There was no pause or fast forward, it was playing and the loop continued...no resolution, no end, no get over it, no growth or death... I was in fact slowly dying and I could never get that life and lost time back. I felt it's what I deserved for what I took from those whom I emotionally stole from.  When I would get close for any job or just passing through the anxiety would consume so much of my mind, and would make me uneasy. 


AGAIN, WHY AREN'T YOU OVER IT? 

I took the time to face the challenge head-on and sat and enjoyed the day. Looked at me and forgave myself for being so selfish. I kept my family away from this experience due to my past errors and fear. This day we faced it head on with all the joy and light that allows for continued growth. We saw some great art, some interesting shops, and owners and had some amazing conversations. My mistakes may not be erased in some minds and hearts, but this city never did anything to me and would have made me stronger if only I had embraced it sooner, both during school and after my return back to the area. Our day in Salem started out stressful, at least to me it did, and it wasn't due to the witches, it was due to the demons I was still wrestling with. It smoothed out when I again allowed myself to understand, not accept, but understand that time in my life. I'm not perfect, I'm not trying to validate my actions, I am working on the best version that I've been created to be. Along my journey, I made some painful turns and decisions that we're planned in my mind, but according to the plan on my life as evidenced by my life today, It was certainly for a reason. I welcome your feedback or just hope I can spark a thought or a moment of reflection. I'm still working through my errors and I know I wasn't ready for facing the reality of my failed life...


The sun sets and rises every day, 
even when it's cloudy in your world, there's light in someone else's!