Scared to fail... PreOp

So I'm here and I guess that's a good thing, at least that's what I was told this morning.  I woke up today with the mindset that today was going to be a tough one as all of my days have been as of late. I decide with all the heat and humidity, I should wear a long sleeved heavy cotton shirt today, so I did. What I didn't realise was, today the color I chose lifted spirits and smiles, what bothered me was why not mine?

As I sit here at this pre-op surgery meeting, I'm telling myself I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I want to be ready, I should be ready, but I'm not. What do I say, let's go ahead and see if this makes a difference? Is this the answer or will it be just a bandage? My mind races wondering what do I say? Do I lie and continue this spiral or do I tell the truth and allow the universe to work it's way to me? The latter has me frustrated, as I feel lazy waiting and my anxiety goes up. So I pull the trigger and make hasty and poor decisions because I couldn't wait any longer.

I feel this is the story of my life since I feel as if my challenges have been me waiting all along because I'm still searching for where I belong.  Wrong. Sometimes waiting means to let everything fall and fail and then the answer will reveal itself. Easy to think, write or type hard to enact. No one likes to see things fail, but there's always a lesson in every failure. It's hard and tough to always psych yourself up to be and give great, but sometimes the coach needs a shoulder.

Far too many times I feel like the saying that says "I Never Finish Anythin..." I don't know if I never finish because my time is done and the next step awaits my arrival so I just cash out and disconnect or if I'm wired just to stop when I don't see the results I desire? How ever it is sliced, I need to make a definite decision on this step. Waking up like a Hamster, grinding gears, having greater desires boiling in me, reaching with no assistance, in a world where support direction and growth are lacking has me confused, bitter and dejected.

Today I pause to create a plan, seeing my tomorrow wrestling with my today has tired me out. I need to live in the present and prepare for the greater. More to come!