31 May 2019

Memor(ial) Lane 2 of 5.... Ok, so I may have lied!

I HID BEHIND THE KEYS! 

I was reviewing my post from last night (Thursday 5/30/19) and after speaking with some important people in my life today, I realised that I lied. I wasn't totally honest. I was still hiding behind a past that I'm slowly peeling back layers on. Someone saw the post and said to me it's great that you got over it and you're doing so well to put it all behind you. Another told me I didn't know how much and how deep this was and dam has it held you back. Those two comments alone were so reflective of what happened last Saturday, but before I go there, let me confess one more thing. 

Yes, I wrote the post yesterday with the hopes that it would make its way to the person that I hurt. I wrote it hoping that she would contact me and say let's talk, or I forgive you, or I'm over it or anything that would free me. What a selfish reason and the universe said to me in the message from these two important people; 

1. See the joy in your pain, 
2. Really get over, through and past it! 

While I'm on the other side, I was still holding onto the pain and not allowing it to free itself from me and remain where it belongs, but what a message the Universe sent me and slapped me hard with FACTS! That makes day two so much sweeter as I also lied to myself last Saturday! 


MEREDITH, NH - 25 May 2019 

With our son's baseball schedule we've not been taking our weekend trips/getaways, but I realised late that we had the weekend off, and I didn't want to spend any money as I try to curb that habit. So we awoke on Saturday and debated where would we go? We try to go minimum between 90 to 120 mins to allow the kids some time to relax and enjoy the trip. We racked our brains for a bit to remember where we went a couple years ago to the lake where I had just happened to stop by after a weekend visit to one of my locations. We kept spewing names of cities, lakes and so forth until we remembered it began with an M, and we landed on Meredith, NH. We weren't sure where to go as we literally just ended up there the last time.

The kids always ask us where are we going, my answer is usually wherever the gas takes us, and that was the case a couple of years ago. I zoomed in on the lake in Meredith, NH courtesy of Google Maps and found the lakeside restaurant that we could stop at, so I put it in my GPS and as I zoomed in more, it was the one that we passed by near the lake as well, so this was all shaping up to be a great trip. 


HOLD UP, WAIT A MINUTE, YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO THERE? 

As we prepared, my emotions and anxiety started to stir up. NH holds a near and fear (not a typo, I meant near and fear) place in my life and heart. Yes, yet another ex, another place I lived, another place where I left and hurt some important people, and had some fond and enjoyable memories. I told myself drive through it man.... just drive through it. I would be passing Concord, Laconia, and Belmont to get to Meredith or at least seeing the signs for these cities along our journey. Again my heart and head did a sweep and just tried my hardest to sort the direction forward out. We packed up the car and began the 90 mins journey. 

NH was a place that I love and dislike, as much as it loved and disliked me! I lived here with an ex and her family welcomed me as well, and yes there was a race issue as well, no not the races at Loudon, NH, I meant me being a black male with a white woman,  in an all-white family, in an all-white country town. Did I really not know any better, or was I blinded by love is love is love, except when they make an exception with their fingers crossed that either their little girl will fail or the guy she's with will! I thought it was love, but in reality, it was the convenience, safety, and gap that this relationship filled in my life at that time. (Love came after, but it was too late!) 

So much was gained, but much more was lost. I remember when I created a serious mixtape using as much antiquated audio equipment to make a mixtape to get back an ex while I was in NH with my current "friend." I use the quotes because it was an FWB, and I was fearful to call it anything more as I was scared to close out the possibility of being with my ex. I worked hard to get her back all the while hurting this "friend." Working on proving my love to another while a great person stood by me and just watched me hurt her daily. (I'm writing this from an elevated space looking at her pain, my ignorance, and stupidity. It pains me to write this, but it's to free myself and anyone else holding on to a past that has kept you from a present and a mindful future!)


YES, SHE HATES ME AND WITH REASON!

Wouldn't you as well? Who would stand by someone that would not want to state their relationship? A man that was just using because he was too immature, too lost and too ashamed to get his shit together? This went on far too long and I owed this person more than an apology or a million apologies. This story is deeper than the few words I've shared but as deep as that was it was more painful to own the fact that I really openly hurt a special person. She never deserved my treatment and I never deserved her! That was just part of the pain I feel every time I pass the cities we shared and the memories the state holds against me. 

HOW ABOUT YOUR FAMILY IGNORING YOU IN YOUR FACE AS WELL?!

You know what slapped back was that at this same place in Meredith, our final destination, we spotted my older brother there with a female friend two years ago he totally ignored us! My wife noticed him on a boat and we stood visibly so he could see us on the dock, called out to him, and waited to see if he would acknowledge us and come and see our son as he's not seen him ever! We waited and no response, so we said ok, we continued to enjoy the lake and the kids dipped their toes in the water and he remained on the boat with his friend and they were docked the whole time and not once did he make contact. We were there for a good while and decided to leave and as we left we said you know what let's circle back and just say what's up.... we went back, and they were on the boardwalk heading to the restaurant and still not a word. Now you're wondering what happened between us? So am I! 

This slapped hard as we're a small family with a lot of death at this time, and family remains important, but each person has their own lives to live, crosses to bear and decisions to make. If one chooses to be out or in our lives we can only respond to what they provide. We still don't have an answer at this time and have never heard or seen him since that day. So you know my hope in going back last weekend was to be a light at the end of a dark tunnel. The dark tunnel was my trip up there through those towns or signs and the light would be that two years had passed and we could reconcile and talk if he were to be there by chance! Fingers crossed!!!! 

WELL, THAT'S A CHITTY PIECE OF HOPE! 

We made it there, I felt the fear in the pit of my stomach because the guy I was in Concord, Laconia, Belmont was being exorcised from me. He was being buried in the woods somewhere up North. (That's a metaphor and not a real crime! Don't want SVU hollering at ya boy! :-) ) The elevation was allowing me to breathe clearly, with a clear head and a peace that was freeing me from the person and things I had done again over 15 years ago. I smiled at each of those cities and their signs as I felt I had conquered a chunk of fear and was stepping to a better place and space. I had one more piece I was hoping I could close and it was with my brother. Technically he closed us out a couple years ago after many years of it, and I was hoping to put a bow on our relationship if we could meet up. We got there and there was not a boat with him on it... we visited the path we walked talked about the trip, stopped by the boat landing and went to a craft fair. It then began to rain, it was a sign that I was sad I didn't get to close this chapter, but in reality, the universe said, I'm washing away this moment because it doesn't exist in time. It was created by me and it has no life because it died two years ago! 

DON'T TURN AROUND!!! I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU CRYING! 

I'll tell you when you're sentenced to life, or when you sentence yourself to a life of regret and suffering, you can never get that time back. Your mistakes can haunt you forever, but they had a life, a time and place, and the damage was done. You can not take it back or change the outcome. You also can't punish yourself for life, it's not how we were created. We can learn, and the best suggestion I have is to have the willingness to learn from your mistakes and missteps and to don't live a life of fear, regret or suffering. Everyone gets to their point in time, at their point in time. I'm not doing this for any kind of recognition or absolution, I've beat myself up for far too long and it's not gotten me any closer to being a better person. This is a step in my journey to being the better and beat version of me I was created to be! 


30 May 2019

Memor(ial) Lane 1 of 5.... Give Thanks!


Related image

WHO AM I, CERTAINLY NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE FALLEN! 

I would like to begin this series by giving thanks to the many men, women and military families that have given their time and ultimate sacrifice to provide the freedom we enjoy today. When I started to think about this series, It was difficult for me to think about what I've been going through and how my week connected to loss and memory, but my selfishness was never at a level that was felt or endured by the soldiers and their families. It's because of that honesty, I didn't post this sooner, however, it could not be ignored as it was stirring in my spirit daily and just kept bubbling to the surface.

So what? What's this have to do with anything? As I read back what I just wrote, at first glance it could seem selfish and confusing. To put it into better perspective from Friday, May 24th to Monday, May 27th, I was on a journey that really woke my spirit up and forced me to face and walk through my many fears. I wrestled with the importance of posting it on Memorial Day as my life with challenges holds less weight than the many fallen soldiers. The weekend and holiday reminded me to remember the fallen soldiers, it also reminded me to remember my fallen past, take hold of my failing present to forge a memorable future!


21 May 2019

Get a little closer... Don't be shy, Get a little closer, it's ok to cry!!! (3 of 3)

THE DARKNESS NEEDS LIGHT! 

We all know there's a season to everything and as the Bible says, joy comes in the morning....I've wished for too long that my mornings would never come to be... 

That statement is so dark, depressing, sad, cold, lonely and painful, I If I have to sum it up in some words. Which one of these are you really hiding/living behind? Wishing that morning wouldn't come? Every week I am faced with the same questions, including "Have you wished that you would go to sleep and never wake up?" My answer is always a resounding NO as if I won that question, but in reality, I was losing; Losing at life!

Some have heard this question, some may currently be answering this question, some are fighting this question and yet you still can't seem to find the answer, yet you carry along behind a mask with the hopes that someday things will turn around. I don't speak to judge, but from a place of understanding, sympathy, and care and from that place of darkness.

Many people speak of their depression, of the people that they know that have been lost to it, about the struggle and daily battle of living with it. It's not easy and it's not embarrassing! It's also not the only diagnosis to run to if things aren't or haven't been well in your life. What's my point?

SHARPEN YOUR FOCUS! 

In today's life, it's easy to say we're not competing to not compete with the competitors, but we forget that the non compete space is also getting a bit crowded. So the do your own thing space as redefined by certain types of people also has begun to get crowded. So what will work for me? What do I want to do? It's ok to not know, but it's not ok to not want to know.  In my meaning, I'm suggesting to keep moving and don't get stuck. The more you move/do, the more stuff gets out of your way, the clearer the path becomes and more things come to you, because along the way, you opened, shook off and focused!

It's easy to become overwhelmed to look at the big picture so much that you forget the details that make the picture come together. This isn't a new concept, I'm not sharing breaking news or revelatory information, I am merely saying, let's give it a try! I've been pushing for my next thing for years and I've missed and lost so much. I've been hoping to have enough funds, status, clout or whatever currency is necessary to buy myself forgiveness and then be able to get over things and enjoy a small fraction of my life just in time to die.

I must admit, I never focused on the right things.

I never focused on the details that make the big picture, I never read the chapters to the book,  I never invested enough or reinvested in the nouns that mattered to me, I just lived, or so I thought. 


LIVING DID NOT EQUAL HAPPY!

You know what it equals, especially if you don't care... it equals loss. That's the most simple way to put it. Loss of loved ones, moments, self and the nouns that matter most. When I started to write this, I thought I was going to get to the point of enjoying the seeds of the pepper sooner but realised that there was a lot more before we got there. What're the seeds of the pepper?

During my conversation last week, someone said... you have to zoom in and focus in on everything you're doing! To myself I thought I do that always, through lists, being as organised as I can be, by keeping to a schedule, etc, but in reality, I was still filling buckets with holes. She said zoom in and focus even on the seeds of the pepper you are cutting. I said in my head, who cares about the seeds of the pepper? In my other mind, I said, well the pepper does and the person that is about to enjoy it should.

The point, whether it's the seed in the pepper, the grain in the coffee table, the spark in your significant other, the light in your kids' eyes, be present and be in that moment. Not wondering about the gain, how long will this take, why is this important,  Not what's my next up or how are we going to level up? When you invest in being, you fill a void in your BEING!


IT'S NOT EASY THOUGH!

Try it, but trust me it is hella hard. Getting closer, being tuned in zoned in, zoomed in, focused in and all other ways to silence the noise... It's a challenge and I'm still learning. What I am learning is that getting over the past becomes easier when you focus on the present. The present loves you being present...and your past, if horrid, usually wants to hate you. Focusing on the nouns now and becoming a better you, will bring back those that matter most.

You can't pray and not have faith simultaneously, something has to give and I say give in to faith that all things work for the good to them that believe!

There's a version of you where this is just a moment in time and you will reflect on this period and grow from it.... make it count!

17 May 2019

Finding My Out, In! : Get a little closer... (2 of 3) Is it fair?

Finding My Out, In! : Get a little closer... (2 of 3) Is it fair?: Wait,  whaaaaaaaaaat? Forgive myself for hurting people?  Shouldn't they accept my apology for me hurting them, and then I can work on...

Get a little closer... (2 of 3) Is it fair?

Wait,  whaaaaaaaaaat? Forgive myself for hurting people? 

Shouldn't they accept my apology for me hurting them, and then I can work on forgiving me after they have forgiven me? 

Is it fair? That sounds fair, right? That makes sense right? It's been my rationale for years and here I am still stuck. I hate writing about me and sounding like I'm complaining or whining, but in reality, I've hidden for so long that the emotions and actions of who I was haunt me daily and have created a darker parallel world that is so unfair to my reality. 


WHEN DID I LOSE ME? 

I lost me at the age of 20 and that person has been living a deep dark well criticism, failure, and pain. I try to hide behind various roles, relationships, coattails and so much other pretend ish.  The person I was to be, the person I thought and promised I would be, the person with joy and light was lost around the age of 20. Do you recall when you lost your smile, your light, and your dream? Do you recall when you found it or had that ah-ha moment when you said this is what I'm willing to die for no matter what? My faith has me wrestling with the idea that I was created for bigger, and the wrestle is with my reality that says you don't deserve it because you've not deposited enough good Karma or it's not been an equal gain vs loss. Confusing right? 



WHY ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE BRO? 

How do you think I can live in this world of sadness, darkness and depressive energy? It's because of the fact that I've made pain, loss, and sadness my reality, despite the amount of joy, love, and light I have been blessed with. I never gave them my full attention, love or investment. I never looked deeper for my reason for being given those items. I focused more on the fact that I took light, love, and joy from someone, there is no way me having it would last, so I never gave it enough life, love, and light. I kept cutting the root from the blessings, I wouldn't let it settle or give it enough room or love to grow and sustain me or the source. It's been tough robbing myself of the greatness that I possess and my purpose. It's sad that I have stolen time from people that I never developed or grew into more because I never allowed it to. 

A thief that never allowed the wall to be knocked down, that never allowed the bad to just fade away and let the life of now shine. I was too scared to fail so I killed progress before it happened. 


THE DARKNESS NEEDS LIGHT! 

We all know there's a season to everything and as the Bible says, joy comes in the morning....I've wished for too long that my mornings would never come to be... 

16 May 2019

Get a little closer... (1 of 3)


Remember that commercial from back in the day? It's been sitting in my spirit for days and I don't know why I can't shake it? Besides that jingle, I've had some very challenging and recurring dreams and visions that also have not made any sense, but put me into a tailspin of fear and loathing! 😕

The other day I had a meeting that made some of it make sense to me. Besides the fear of the unknown, I was also scared to accept and forgive myself. 

We all have a past that may not shine as bright as our present, however, some of us, myself included having a hard time shining possibly because sadly the brightest part of our lives lay within our past. I have given so much light to my past and my present feels so dim. A past that has lots of hurt, pain and buried memories, but for some reason, my body has continued to move, but my mind and spirit have not moved on.

Letting go has been the biggest failure of my failing life. I've held on to the brokenness of my past and never taken the time to repair or replace them. I need an infusion of funds to fix this problem, well that's my belief.  I can solve all of my failures with money, but that's not true.  Money is certainly needed to dig me out, but it's only a piece of it. It won't change the hearts or minds I have broken or hurt. 

Here's why I'm sharing this....it's created a wedge in my life.  One that has barred me from GENUINELY;
- being happy,
- feeling happy,
- living happy and
- sharing happiness!

I have held on to a world and past of unhappiness and pushed so many people away and created so much loss that I don't know if I can pull any back into a space of relative relations? 

I was told that I need to get over it and forgive myself for the decisions and ways I acted when I was young, selfish, single and just not as experienced as I am now. Allow yourself to forgive yourself. 

Wait,  whaaaaaaaaaat? Forgive myself for hurting people? Shouldn't they forgive me for hurting them?

Great question right, but do I have 15 to 20 more years to be unhappy wondering when my life will be ready, stable and looking good enough to buy their forgiveness? Will I die working to be forgiven? Will they die living a life that paid me not mind after my errors? I'm still working through being better at being a better me......

For now, I'm still wrestling with accepting the idea that I need to forgive myself for who I used to be. That is what brings me closer....

To be continued....