16 July 2019

Memor(ial) Lane 4 of 5.... Back to Reality!

(So I began writing this right after the last post, then again on June 23rd, and now today July 16th. You'll find out the reason for the delay in a coming post.)

I know it's been a while right? I've been sorting through some emotions, some ups, downs, yes, no's, and a lot of failures lately. I've had to wrestle with and see how I can pick myself up and "Get Over It!" Yes, I hold on to things and even if I cause the pain, or if I'm not qualified or have made the error, a part of me wants to be made whole or put to ease. I just can't seem to get over and let go of some things that have shaped me for better, well mostly worse.

We've been checking in to a lot of beach or water spots lately, but as much as I love the water, I have not honestly connected with being there and the opportunity to be there. It's been a hike to get there, then once there, a quick glimpse, or walk, then poof we're back in the car on our way back home. Didn't really get a chance to honestly connect with the experience and gain of being there. So that brings me to the 4th of 5 days in the Memorial Lane episode! 

WHAT'S YOUR TRUTH? - MONDAY MAY 27th, 2019 - MANCHESTER, CT

It was over a year ago my brother moved to the East Hartford, CT area and one weekend we decided to go and visit him. Looking for something to do, he suggested going to Charter Oak Park in Manchester, CT where the kids could run around and enjoy the park. We could then take some time and just catch up, and wow was catch up a misclassification of what was about to go down. What was about to go down was clearly a page out of Kevin Hart's book of "he wasn't ready!" I certainly was not, but in truth, it's always been my brother's way of operating so I should have been ready for it.

Well, I wasn't! We began talking about what I was going through at work and some challenges I Was facing and hurdles I couldn't seem to get over. As we discussed these challenges, my brother said let's get to the core of this noise. I think it was his way of saying I'm sick of hearing the same shit different year from you with no plan of action towards change... I mean I think he may have even clearly said that. As we dug in deeper, we went back to my days in high school and college and my abilities to learn and complete projects, etc. See I was the guy who's dog always ate his homework, I just never had a dog! My way through High School was seen through a lens. Unlike the lens of the social media and social status lens, mine was literal and through a video camera lens. Yes, there was a time when these things were really popular! :-) As one of the co-creators of our high school's award-winning news program/club I was so committed to its success, I lived every day of my life behind the camera with a great support and production team.

I mean there wasn't a project or paper due that I didn't record via video or voice. It was my way to an A! It was the way I communicated. It was my voice, finally understood. This black kid from the island, not popular, not an athlete, chubby ok I was fat, and so far from fitting in, this became a new and leveled playing field. It was my voice, my humor, my in to being heard and valued. I was in my own zone and now it was time to shine. I knew the doors it would open for me, the school and the community. What I didn't know, were the doors it would also close to me and my ability to really learn and prove that I had, in fact, learned something. It worked out as I did do research and instead of writing a paper, I edited a video. I honed that skill and ability well, but it wasn't retained because in most cases, it was done to get the project done and I knew the memory was in the recording, not my mental record of it. This got me into college and I tried the same approach, but was greeted with a Hell Nawh! You really need to work at this. My time in college was great from an entertaining point view, and I was told many times, If I got graded on being a social butterfly I'd make the Dean's list!

I wasn't the best student and I can admit that out loud because there's no hiding from the truth, no matter how much you bury it in your heart, your world or in your mind.. It comes to the surface or it silently impacts your decisions that reflect your whys. So my departure from college and the many roles after that lead to the understanding that I had not completed anything that got tough. I wouldn't NKOTB it, and Hang Tough! That wasn't my MO, I wanted the easy way out; the here's my video answer to this question way out. I realised that I pulled the ripcord too often and got too frustrated and refused to learn and let other matters become more important than higher education or even the roles I been given. I always got a break or opportunity, but it wasn't for growth it was a bailout because it got too much for me, or too hot to handle. You see how ugly this conversation was? I had to face the fact that I give up too easily and that maybe I went to college too soon, or I took a job too soon without my due diligence, and failure is sure to follow without the proper training or mindset.

That day I was broken, first I was upset but it was misdirected. I was upset with the facts and realization my brother brought to the surface. All the things I buried for years and the amount of job jumping I did just kept that stuff hidden as I piled on top of it.  Fast Forward to the months leading up to the last 6 months. I had to let go of the fact that my failures were keeping me back. I had to let go of the fact I failed and bailed, but I didn't need to live there. So I had a decision to make. I either grow or remain stunted. So when we came to the park a year later with everyone a year older and wiser, I was ready to face the memory of my failure. The sad thing was I was going through another pulling the ripcord scenario. I wasn't as ashamed as I had come to terms with it and knew it was the right thing and time. Our time at the park was a little on reflecting and more of acknowledging growth and opportunities. I have let so much go and I continue to shake the dead stuff off or eliminate the noise. There's alot brewin and I'm so happy that God has allowed me space and grace to be here to share his blessings on my life! 

What is your truth? - Eghosa Oriaikhi <---- This is powerful!