Perfectly, Imperfect!

I kept singing perfectly imperfect, to the tune of John Mayer's "Perfectly Lonely." As I searched the historical archives of Google and YouTube, I was certain that it was in fact John Mayer who sang Perfectly Imperfect and all the other versions were just covers. I mean so I was a little bit wrong, I lied, I was a lot bit wrong!

Nevertheless, I've been chewing on this title since my last post, but in greater depth after my exam a few weeks ago. The words made sense to me, as they rushed right into my mind and onto my tongue as to say, yeah another one. Another message of you're broken, but it's ok, not to worry about it, you'll be fine. For years I've always held on to the "you'll be fine part," and stayed away from the "you're broken part." See it's my laziness and my ease of winning people over that afforded me the mindset and the motivation to not work for the challenging things in life.

I sat and had a great conversation about this a couple of weeks ago and it left me in pain and swimming in an emotional puddle. I was asked the hardest series of questions of my life...Here it is verbatim.

"You need to put thought into why you give up and quit so easily? Who taught you how to stop so quick, and to stop fighting? Please identify where you learned that and from who? Can you clearly identify and be able to clearly explain why you feel so entitled and not willing to work for the things you want. Why do you feel things should be handed to you and not earned?"

For days and hours on end, all I could think of and wrestle with was no don't go there, don't unmask my ugly? Don't dig up the dirt you've buried, the ways of ease, don't walk down those roads that will unsettle the continuum. However, every step I took away from it as to bury my head, like a magnet, it kept bringing me back to a space that said you can't go forward by skipping over this step in the process. This step is a hurdle to victory and it can't be ignored, if you plan to move on from this stagnant place.

Looking at my past is hard, because I have looked back at the person I've lost. The me that I've thrown away to get to a place of trying to get to the next place. That person I miss, the me of old, minus his poor and hurtful decisions. Let me correct that, I don't know if regret is the right term, but I wish I learned more and faster from my errors. (Drafted on 26Aug17- an incomplete post)