Holding on to Letting Go!

Take me as I am - Wyclef Jean f/Sharissa 

But girl you know that, you take me as I amEven though my fam don't understandWhy I put that rock up on your handThat's cos you take me as I am (take me as I am)

Wanna be loved - Buju Banton 

Wanna be loved

Not for who you think I am

Nor what you want me to be

Could you love me for me?

Real love, with no strings attached

I wanna give you me heart

Don't want to take it back

Paper Loving - Christopher Martin 

If you can't love me now

Don't love me later

When my later is much greater

Cah mi nuh waan no impersonator

-The Above lyrics pulled from Google - 

They may not be fully accurate or printed as intended by the artist and or composer. 

SO WHAT YOU LIKE LYRICS, AND....?

These lyrics all came to mind when I asked myself who are your writing for? Why are you writing, who needs to read this? What kind of approval are you seeking? What happens after this? Aren't you over the idea of being accepted? Are we ever? All of these lyrics played over and over in my head as I wondered why write again? They played when I asked myself what's next for you? They came to mind when I wondered where did I go wrong? They played over in my head when I wondered why am I trying to right the past? 

Yes, I'm embarrassed by my actions and decisions of my past and yet I feel like I will forever be bound and defined by them. I want to let go, but I feel that the persons I've wronged or hurt expect me to hold the guilt and shame forever as penance for my actions. Bruh, Get over it and Just LIVE!  Easy words to type and write, harder words to execute. All I wanted to get out of my thoughts were why can't I be loved for who I am. So all the lyrics while some refer to love, life, success and so forth, pieces of them spoke to my needs. Spoke to my spirit and really amplified what I was feeling. 

It felt good listening to the lyrics and pulling what reverberated in my mind and soul, but I kept getting push back from my overbearing past that kept saying you don't deserve to be happy until you fix this and that, pay this and correct that. I've felt stuck behind this for so long, and I sadly believe it's my fate! That's a very depressing mindset, but when you're beaten and broken, it's hard to see and be motivated to do or get more. Who wants to believe and accept that failure is their calling? Who wants to believe that the lack of accomplishment is your accomplishment for this life? 

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

My wondering of not completing had me tied up for the last 10 days wondering when I would write again and in that time I asked myself questions over and over and over again. You know when you ask yourself something so much, you talk yourself out of taking action. I used to always say in my former life... "those that think, don't act!" That really plays well into the world of #TeamWeStayConfused. 

I used it to help shape the point of reference for some people in my life to let them know that no decision is still a decision. The world of confusion is also a decision. It's easy to make, but tough to maintain since it's a decision that requires you to be pliable daily in a land of uncertainty with no destiny. I would never use that term for those making million dollar or life altering decisions. Clearly, the term has its time and place and doesn't apply for and to all. It does, however, have some weight and value to it. Speaking from experience of course. 

This all looks great on the screen, but what I've not told you yet is that I was the Resident Director at the WSC (We Stay Confused) Residence Hall. I always had one foot on the outside coaching those that were in, and the other foot was in trying to figure out how to not feel overwhelmed by this "decision." Remember I didn't think it was a final decision, I believed that because I was in the land of confusion I was either buying or pausing time. Neither was true and in fact, I lost a lot of time; time that will never come back and no one was ever willing to give back. 

Staying confused is still falling short of accomplishing something and you know why I remain confused FEAR! Yes fear, we come back to that topic and word that creates gaps not bridges to freedom. 

STOP HOLDING YOUR BREATH AND BREATHE! 

One of my most profound conversations this week asked me to let go. I was like no I can't, I mean that's what my spirit said, but my mouth, said you're right. I followed my spirit and not my mouth, shame on me, shame on me. I know that I need to get teh eff over this bullshit. I need to be bigger than the past I've failed at. I look back at it because I wanted to be everything that I'm not. I tried hard to be loved by the many ppl that couldn't and wouldn't love a fat black man in an area where "what would they say" trumped, what do they feel for each other. (FEAR) I wanted to be loved and appreciated I took to the stage and everything I did was to make the world laugh and know that you don't have to fear the big black guy in the room. He's cuddly and funny and loveable, but that was all temporary. I still want the likes, I want the double taps, I want the retweets, wait no I don't all of that wasn't around when I was growing up, but being accepted was. I have no one to blame, yet I have myself to hold accountable for holding my breath as if to say, hey it'll change. 

My mum used to always remind us according to the biblical scripture, "In order for things to change, I must be willing to change." I'm holding my breath, all the while someone else is living a life I've denied myself because I've allowed my embarssing past to shine greater than my promised future. I fell into a great Shark the other day,  and all I did was waste it and threw it away because all I kept saying to myself was, "you don't deserve this," and "your past will block your happiness," and "just stay below the radar." It took a dear friend to remind me to look at that moment from a different place and that may fuel my vision and drive.  

I close with this, as the Bishop TD Jakes once said... "God, If you won't let me be it, don't let me see it!" If you've got a vision and purpose assigned to you, it's your life to make it happen. 

Give life to life and stop giving life to death!