There's something about knowing what's your thing?!

I've had a hard time sleeping for the last few weeks. Part anxiety, sprinkled with stress, intertwined with poor food choices (due to an interesting work schedule) all the while holding my tongue and opening my eyes and listening to my spirit! 

Huwhuuut you say meng? I guess for me the unease of looking around for the better me, has been a battle I've wrestled with for many years. I don't want this to come off as I still don't have it all together, but more so, I'm getting the pieces together. Let me start here.... 

To all of my friends and social connections. I support you, because I love what you do! Whether we are connected socially, through school, work, or other friends, my appreciation of you isn't any less because of my direct or  indirect connection to, or with you. I am excited for you and all that you do, because you have been chosen to do that thing! My life's choices and influences didn't allow me to travel the world when I wanted to. It didn't allow me a getaway every three months, it didn't open stage doors for me, didn't create a wealth of income and other degrees and accolades that amount to something. I'm here, and you're there and I'm truly happy and excited for you!!  Real talk, there was a time when I was deeply jealous of you, jealous of your accomplishments, jealous of all you had and all that I lacked! My reaction was to distance myself, feel guilty or just shy away in shame, then I had to ask myself and read the many quotes that said things along the lines of "be you, everyone else is already taken!" 

I took that to heart a few times, but then buried myself again into the pits of "not good enough," and continued to spiral down the road of regret and shame. Who would or could pull me out? Can't be the same person that put me there (Not me)? I believed that I couldn't pull myself out of a space that I had created and kept digging for myself. You know when there isn't room on the elevator, but you still force yourself in, that's what I did with my pit of guilt and shame. I continued to put more noise in my head and I drowned it out, by burying my head further. Making room in crowded area that wasn't even fit for an ant. It took me many years to realise, and circle back to my biblical roots that stated we were all created (called) for a particular reason. I wrestled with that because I felt so much of my dreams were so vivid and at a level of real that I felt like I would wake up and be living in it. When I realised that too many times my dreams would not and/or had not become reality, I had to pivot to just surviving, thus created a mindset of continued failure and "why aim if there's no gain?" Similarly as Bishop T.D. Jakes said in a sermon once, "don't let me see it, if you won't let me be it!" 

My life's calling was awaiting me and I had to get out of this pit! I had no reason to stay there and live it out as if it was true and factual. It was a moment in time that was necessary as I moved towards what I had an itching for. I knew that somewhere along my life I would find my calling, purpose, reason, you know the thing that I was birthed for. Whatever it's called, you never see if when your going through the process of sharpening. We always feel we don't have what it takes to be great, or a version of our greater present. So this is where I realise I'm rambling and I say wake up you are here for a reason. Don't know what it is.... don't worry you soon will! 

I had to stop failing and shift my stinking thinking! You know when you put bad in, you get bad out, because your POV is fixed on seeing only bad. I had to give up on giving up and push myself just a little bit more than what I was doing before. There's a lot left and I wasn't sure I would be around to accomplish any of it. I allowed my mindset to cheat me out of a life that I could have enjoyed more. 

What's that mean? It means that I now know my thing, well I at least have a clearer direction towards it. For years I knew what I enjoyed, then I knew what I loved, then I knew what I was good at and just kept moving from job to job, but not moving in my space of success! You know I was always led to believe that you can't shine in a group, I should always be a team player, take on thankless jobs, just be a silent participant, but no one ever told me why or the benefit of my sacrifices. It can be demoralizing and discouraging if you don't have a goal or even know what the results of your efforts are.  

For years I wore mediocrity as a badge of honor and felt bad whenever I wanted to feel good! It killed me inside because I wanted to be a better version of what I was accepting or led to accept.  For years I worked in spaces where I would give up my being, hide my identity, hide my gift, never admit my talent and shy away from the doors I could have kicked down if I worked on my confidence, defining and accepting my talents.  What's all this matter anyway? You're many years from being too old, too relevant and too valuable.  Well that's a lie! In recent years I've come to grips with the fact and reality that I am created for a reason. I am destined to travel a path that doesn't mirror the ones I've been jealous of, supported, elevated I r created! My tears, my depression, my life, my gains, my losses, hits and misses have all been lessons I needed to learn, roads I had to travel to sharpen, shape, refine and elevate my gifts and talents! 

There was a time when I stepped out of my faith and lost a spiritual connection that I know was a gift that I abused one time and used for my personal gain. (Nothing illegal or harmful to self or others) I stepped away and it never came back because of my ill use of it, lack of understanding, immature and irresponsible mindset which didn't align with why I had it and what it was needed for during that time in my life.

Now,  I know that my gift and talent acceptance and embrace comes with a voice of confidence, a level of clarity, a bit of uncomfortable conversation, but the results yield what many have avoided...my true self and purpose! Because I know my thing and have wrestled accepting it for 10 years (this year marks 10, thank you Mistah Smith!). Was it wasted time? Only if I throw away my clarity and the lessons the journey brought me.  My talents aren't for everyone, my gifts aren't for everyone, my apologies aren't for everyone, my destiny isn't for everyone and my assistance and words won't be accepted by everyone,  but we are all created for a purpose so everyone will either live out theirs or die wishing!

 No matter how minor or major your vision is, once you align with the knowledge that you fit the path carved out for you, things move in a way that yields more clarity.  

What's it feel like? 

It's like a shield is before you, but it's not protecting you  it's used to break through all the walls of bullshit, bad vibes, poor relationships, sucess and growth blockers, anything that has stolen your vision, your joy and your direction!  You feel like you're wearing a cloak that provides you a level of confidence and invisibility, and let's you only see the path that leads you to the next level! You don't ignore the noise and distractions  along the way, but you are more sensitive to the world as it's presented to you. 

Question; Does the bullshit matter and who truly decides what and why does it matter? Only YOU!!! 

Why can't we encourage everyone to find and live in their true space? Can we live alone and still be happy? I'mma say yes, but it's a daily battle until you share, and help others find their talents and gifts! Many of us have ppl in our lives, real or virtual for validation or digital cred, but still feel so empty, so alone and so lost. I find myself fighting for acceptance at a table that I wasn't invited to, and as much as the host says they want me there, none of the guests do, so what do I do? I find myself at night in a city with lots to do, having no one in my social circles to enjoy it with.

Know this, the desire for acceptance always comes with an exponential amount of rejection, either overtly or internally, but it doesn't last forever! My suggestion take the desire, convert it to self wonder and dig deeper and connect to your talent and gifts! It's in you...the person who validates that isn't judging you, but are waiting for you! 

Teach someone to love themselves. Show someone how to harness their gift and talents. Support someone that's hurting inside and wants to be accepted! Show them how to be stronger than the words of validation they seek! Show them how to live their truth! It's not filtered, it's not pretty, it's not always sunny, but it's all them, it's all you!!!! 

I can't teach, if I won't learn!

(Started on 9/16/19 @ 8:22am EST)

What a powerful, no let me rephrase that, what a heavy weekend. This past weekend was a heavy AF weekend. It was filled with joy, sadness, tears, hurt, anger, love, a football game, a wedding, a surprise guest appearance and some jet-lag! In the end it was all a vortex of learning. As I write this I'm debating if I should use names to protect the guilty, or say eff it reality is reality?

(Continued on 9/26/19 @ 9:42am EST) 
Wow, some time has gone by and I've not even addressed this matter in this form! I wont lie, I've not had the most amount of time to commit, wait that's a blatant lie, I've opted not to invest the emotional time into the drama that has plagued my life in the last week. Some of it has been good, some has been for necessary growth and enlightenment, some has just been noise, but it's all me. Right at the center of it all it's me! I'm the constant. I'm either the catalyst, the result, the lesson, the change needed or just the end result of judgement, but I still have not sat down to put it into words. I spent a good portion of the last few days sleeping. I wasn't sure if it was because I was overly tired from traveling, and working or if my medication regiment was back in my system and just acting a fool? I wasn't sure of any of it, but I know that I was in a way, and as many post as I see that say "A Mood" there was not post that could sincerely express mine.

I've wanted to write, to scream, to yell to exhale, to share, to shape and to do so much dumping in the last week, it's made me tired and had the reverse affect. I've gone into a shell to completely seclude the world and take on the challenges again by myself, but the results have remained the same, stagnant. I'm excited for what lies ahead, but it seems that whenever some great happens, something sad or poor does. I'm trying to balance my emotions to accept and align that that is how the universe balances things. Example, a couple weekends ago, I was honored to join my brother at his wedding and to see their family and the unity and bond of love flourish was grand. The same weekend we suffered a loss, but one that was also a gain. We lost someone close to the family, but you ever have that loss that is a gain of freedom, piece of mind, clarity and just a weight off your shoulders? It's not so much a bother gone, but more so, OK, if someone doesn't want to be in your life, there's no worth for you trying to keep them there. I'm sure some of you might be able to relate to that friend, of BFF, that colleague, high school or college mate or sibling that just wanted out. Neither of you were of value or growth for the other and cutting ties was of more value that feeding a dead root!

Ok, so that's a lot and pretty heavy, but that's how I got to the title. I felt that many of us want to have people in our lives. Either by force, or by common likes, or things that draw us together and at times it's blood. In the end it's the need for acceptance and to be apart of something other than self. What I've uncovered in my life is that many people want to be right, or in charge, but have zero interest in being wrong or following. Is it so bad to be wrong and to follow? I don't think so as long as you know your truth and your destiny! The reason for my title of "I can't teach, if I won't learn" comes from a place of ignorance. At times we need to shut things down or out, but how are you continuing the evolution of life and growth if you just cut things down/out? The other side of that is the willingness to grow from what is being taught! Yes frustration happens when you don't see the results you think should happen. However, truth be told, not every seed grows over night. Any good teacher knows that not all students learn on the same plane, but the all learn. So in my mind the teacher, must also be willing to always be a student and that enhances their teachings. I see it as a way to keep giving and always receiving and giving will always make room for the most recent need!

This may seem like an emotional ramble, but in the end my desire is that if you're any kind of coach, or person of influence, disappointment is death! We should remain in a position of "always be learning to teach and teaching to learn!" Remember your success wasn't handed to you and if it was, be ready to give it away, it's the only way you can make room for more and greater at that! 

Memor(ial) Lane 4 of 5.... Back to Reality!

(So I began writing this right after the last post, then again on June 23rd, and now today July 16th. You'll find out the reason for the delay in a coming post.)

I know it's been a while right? I've been sorting through some emotions, some ups, downs, yes, no's, and a lot of failures lately. I've had to wrestle with and see how I can pick myself up and "Get Over It!" Yes, I hold on to things and even if I cause the pain, or if I'm not qualified or have made the error, a part of me wants to be made whole or put to ease. I just can't seem to get over and let go of some things that have shaped me for better, well mostly worse.

We've been checking in to a lot of beach or water spots lately, but as much as I love the water, I have not honestly connected with being there and the opportunity to be there. It's been a hike to get there, then once there, a quick glimpse, or walk, then poof we're back in the car on our way back home. Didn't really get a chance to honestly connect with the experience and gain of being there. So that brings me to the 4th of 5 days in the Memorial Lane episode! 

WHAT'S YOUR TRUTH? - MONDAY MAY 27th, 2019 - MANCHESTER, CT

It was over a year ago my brother moved to the East Hartford, CT area and one weekend we decided to go and visit him. Looking for something to do, he suggested going to Charter Oak Park in Manchester, CT where the kids could run around and enjoy the park. We could then take some time and just catch up, and wow was catch up a misclassification of what was about to go down. What was about to go down was clearly a page out of Kevin Hart's book of "he wasn't ready!" I certainly was not, but in truth, it's always been my brother's way of operating so I should have been ready for it.

Well, I wasn't! We began talking about what I was going through at work and some challenges I Was facing and hurdles I couldn't seem to get over. As we discussed these challenges, my brother said let's get to the core of this noise. I think it was his way of saying I'm sick of hearing the same shit different year from you with no plan of action towards change... I mean I think he may have even clearly said that. As we dug in deeper, we went back to my days in high school and college and my abilities to learn and complete projects, etc. See I was the guy who's dog always ate his homework, I just never had a dog! My way through High School was seen through a lens. Unlike the lens of the social media and social status lens, mine was literal and through a video camera lens. Yes, there was a time when these things were really popular! :-) As one of the co-creators of our high school's award-winning news program/club I was so committed to its success, I lived every day of my life behind the camera with a great support and production team.

I mean there wasn't a project or paper due that I didn't record via video or voice. It was my way to an A! It was the way I communicated. It was my voice, finally understood. This black kid from the island, not popular, not an athlete, chubby ok I was fat, and so far from fitting in, this became a new and leveled playing field. It was my voice, my humor, my in to being heard and valued. I was in my own zone and now it was time to shine. I knew the doors it would open for me, the school and the community. What I didn't know, were the doors it would also close to me and my ability to really learn and prove that I had, in fact, learned something. It worked out as I did do research and instead of writing a paper, I edited a video. I honed that skill and ability well, but it wasn't retained because in most cases, it was done to get the project done and I knew the memory was in the recording, not my mental record of it. This got me into college and I tried the same approach, but was greeted with a Hell Nawh! You really need to work at this. My time in college was great from an entertaining point view, and I was told many times, If I got graded on being a social butterfly I'd make the Dean's list!

I wasn't the best student and I can admit that out loud because there's no hiding from the truth, no matter how much you bury it in your heart, your world or in your mind.. It comes to the surface or it silently impacts your decisions that reflect your whys. So my departure from college and the many roles after that lead to the understanding that I had not completed anything that got tough. I wouldn't NKOTB it, and Hang Tough! That wasn't my MO, I wanted the easy way out; the here's my video answer to this question way out. I realised that I pulled the ripcord too often and got too frustrated and refused to learn and let other matters become more important than higher education or even the roles I been given. I always got a break or opportunity, but it wasn't for growth it was a bailout because it got too much for me, or too hot to handle. You see how ugly this conversation was? I had to face the fact that I give up too easily and that maybe I went to college too soon, or I took a job too soon without my due diligence, and failure is sure to follow without the proper training or mindset.

That day I was broken, first I was upset but it was misdirected. I was upset with the facts and realization my brother brought to the surface. All the things I buried for years and the amount of job jumping I did just kept that stuff hidden as I piled on top of it.  Fast Forward to the months leading up to the last 6 months. I had to let go of the fact that my failures were keeping me back. I had to let go of the fact I failed and bailed, but I didn't need to live there. So I had a decision to make. I either grow or remain stunted. So when we came to the park a year later with everyone a year older and wiser, I was ready to face the memory of my failure. The sad thing was I was going through another pulling the ripcord scenario. I wasn't as ashamed as I had come to terms with it and knew it was the right thing and time. Our time at the park was a little on reflecting and more of acknowledging growth and opportunities. I have let so much go and I continue to shake the dead stuff off or eliminate the noise. There's alot brewin and I'm so happy that God has allowed me space and grace to be here to share his blessings on my life! 

What is your truth? - Eghosa Oriaikhi <---- This is powerful! 

Live life on purpose!

The following was shared from the Live.Pray.Love Daily app. This seemed so fitting and I thought it was a great nugget worth sharing. At times we forget to live life on purpose. Enjoying our present, not too wrapped up with living for the future and harboring the past! Be Here, Be Now, Be Alive, Be Love!

Elizabeth Gilbert Says: "But is it such a bad thing to live like this for just a little while? Just for a few months of one's life, is it so awful to travel through time with no greater ambition than to find the next lovely meal? Or to learn how to speak a language for no higher purpose than that it pleases your ear to hear it? Or to nap in a garden, in a patch of sunlight, in the middle of the day, right next to your favourite fountain? And then to do it again the next day?"

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.live.pray.love.daily

Memor(ial) Lane 3 of 5.... It took long to face this road!

Believe something long enough and it becomes real... I forgot who said that when I heard it last week. I've been sitting on this installation for over a week now. I promised myself I would write this a day after the last one, then two days to allow a breather for me emotionally and the possible readers from fatigue, then I said I'll just mirror a week from the previous Sunday so I could say last week and be accurate. I then talked myself out of it, and then Monday happened and I had some commitments that couldn't be broken and that left Tuesday that also got sidetracked and then a week of volunteering, so here we are.

As I write this I look back, it may appear that I wasn't in a rush to get the info out on this story, but in truth, I discussed it four times over the week because I couldn't believe how much I gave up by being a selfish jerk during this time of my life. These little snippets into my life and my transformation have been great and while I know the value and benefit they are to me, it didn't come easy or in a rush. I wish it did, but in reality, one needs to stop living a lie in order for them to live their truth! 

SALEM, MA 26 MAY 2019 - The secrets within...

As I've mentioned before, with our son's baseball schedule consuming much of our weekends, we've not been on or able to commit to our random weekend getaways. So with the holiday weekend, we decided to do some local trips, less than 2 hours each way and as Sunday approached, I knew we couldn't go far or do an overnight as we had plans in CT on Monday for Memorial Day. I don't recall how we landed on the destination for Sunday, but I do recall that stirring in my stomach and the unease I felt when my wife suggested Salem, MA.

My thought process includes what locations do we avoid, who still lives there, what's there to see/do on a Sunday, is it worth going to one place or another, how do I get there again, which memories do I want to trigger, do I want to visit past failures and all of that is swirling before I say yes and even after I say sure. The latter was me accepting that this weekend is about growth and I had to accept that nothing will change unless I do. I was scared as what, but also was sick of running and being fearful of a past that had well run its course and lived its life and did its damage.


WHAT DID THE CITY EVER DO TO YOU? 

When we first arrived we drove around looking for parking and at first, I kept telling myself in all the years I lived here, I could only recollect about maybe visiting 5 places in the city. That may not be a big deal to some, but for a city that was filled with so much and had a huge tourist population only visiting/eating at roughly 5 places is pretty sad. Correction there was possibly 8 places I recall in the city. 5 were restaurants/bars the other 3 were locations for business meetings. I felt so lost and as a true tourist. I had driven by or had been told about many of the places in the city, but I never took my time or took anyone up on seeing more of it.

I was yet again a self-imposed prisoner. We first went through the little mall, and all I knew there was a movie theatre. I couldn't believe how much business was in there and so much to see and enjoy. It was great to see the themes, and how these SMB kept the city going. We exited into an area with more stores, musicians and just energy of this is life. I couldn't believe how much-hidden gems existed in the city. I always felt like the city was a waste of my time and it was just the host to the college. I could not believe all of the stores, quality craftspeople, eateries and art that made this city such a destination. Ok, so what? You found out the city had commerce... and?


HOW MUCH WAS LOST IN THE DARK? 

Why was this a big deal to me many years after my departure from the city? I will admit as someone that had elected positions during my time at college, as public as that side of me was, I was living a private and dark life of dishonesty. It's because of that so much of my time in that city was such a  blur and one that I'm embarrassed to share. I kept my relationships private and my nose clean for a variety of reasons. On my relationships, one reason was that it allowed me to keep my options open.

Now, this isn't an exclusive concept and one that I'm sure some of you may have done or been the unknowing recipient of.  Because of this, there was a lot of what's done in the dark, would never come to light. Well now, I'm shedding some therapeutic light on it, but in reality, it's sad because that action kept me away from people, genuine relationships, opportunities, experiences and of course a city filled with so much life and light! I wouldn't want to be seen for fear that my relationships would cross or be exposed, I didn't want to be seen in public as the appearance of a "date" would mean we had to establish something and then it was real and then I was stuck.

I had many nights where the conversation never left my room or hall, and in retrospect what a shame. I kept myself and those in my life away from an experience that would and could have shaped their social spectrum in a better and more positive light. I can't believe how much I was hiding, from my race, from my true self, from my failure as a person, from my inability to love and care beyond my selfish ways.  As wicked of a city as Salem presents itself, I was wrestling with more darkness and unhappiness and just stewing in poor and unhappy relationships or interactions.


WHAT WAS LOST CAN'T BE REGAINED! 

The words of this man, facing the mirror is not proud of the lives he stunted during his time in the city of Salem. The pain still rings in my ear, mind, and heart as if the witch trials were to happen again. I've been at the stake for many years, but just burning and playing the pain over and over again. Never allowing the loop to cease, or the resolution to evolve, mature and just fade away.

What I focused on remained alive and well,

and I kept death alive! 

I chose not to let go of the pain that I caused and harbored that for many years. I mean do you know how much it sucks to go to someplace so big that your anxiety would make it seem so small by the fear of that person coming to blow up your spot. Them holding a grudge so long that they can't want to hurt and damage you to an equal or greater extent. Imagine NYC feeling like a block long and every error you've ever made in life was behind each door waiting to smack you for repayment. That's my prison on repeat. There was no pause or fast forward, it was playing and the loop continued...no resolution, no end, no get over it, no growth or death... I was in fact slowly dying and I could never get that life and lost time back. I felt it's what I deserved for what I took from those whom I emotionally stole from.  When I would get close for any job or just passing through the anxiety would consume so much of my mind, and would make me uneasy. 

AGAIN, WHY AREN'T YOU OVER IT? 

I took the time to face the challenge head-on and sat and enjoyed the day. Looked at me and forgave myself for being so selfish. I kept my family away from this experience due to my past errors and fear. This day we faced it head on with all the joy and light that allows for continued growth. We saw some great art, some interesting shops, and owners and had some amazing conversations. My mistakes may not be erased in some minds and hearts, but this city never did anything to me and would have made me stronger if only I had embraced it sooner, both during school and after my return back to the area. Our day in Salem started out stressful, at least to me it did, and it wasn't due to the witches, it was due to the demons I was still wrestling with. It smoothed out when I again allowed myself to understand, not accept, but understand that time in my life. I'm not perfect, I'm not trying to validate my actions, I am working on the best version that I've been created to be. Along my journey, I made some painful turns and decisions that we're planned in my mind, but according to the plan on my life as evidenced by my life today, It was certainly for a reason. I welcome your feedback or just hope I can spark a thought or a moment of reflection. I'm still working through my errors and I know I wasn't ready for facing the reality of my failed life...

Summer Chill Vibes...

The sun sets and rises every day, 
even when it's cloudy in your world, there's light in someone else's! 

Memor(ial) Lane 2 of 5.... Ok, so I may have lied!

I HID BEHIND THE KEYS! 

I was reviewing my post from last night (Thursday 5/30/19) and after speaking with some important people in my life today, I realised that I lied. I wasn't totally honest. I was still hiding behind a past that I'm slowly peeling back layers on. Someone saw the post and said to me it's great that you got over it and you're doing so well to put it all behind you. Another told me I didn't know how much and how deep this was and dam has it held you back. Those two comments alone were so reflective of what happened last Saturday, but before I go there, let me confess one more thing. 

Yes, I wrote the post yesterday with the hopes that it would make its way to the person that I hurt. I wrote it hoping that she would contact me and say let's talk, or I forgive you, or I'm over it or anything that would free me. What a selfish reason and the universe said to me in the message from these two important people; 

1. See the joy in your pain, 

2. Really get over, through and past it! 

While I'm on the other side, I was still holding onto the pain and not allowing it to free itself from me and remain where it belongs, but what a message the Universe sent me and slapped me hard with FACTS! That makes day two so much sweeter as I also lied to myself last Saturday! 

MEREDITH, NH - 25 May 2019 

With our son's baseball schedule we've not been taking our weekend trips/getaways, but I realised late that we had the weekend off, and I didn't want to spend any money as I try to curb that habit. So we awoke on Saturday and debated where would we go? We try to go minimum between 90 to 120 mins to allow the kids some time to relax and enjoy the trip. We racked our brains for a bit to remember where we went a couple years ago to the lake where I had just happened to stop by after a weekend visit to one of my locations. We kept spewing names of cities, lakes and so forth until we remembered it began with an M, and we landed on Meredith, NH. We weren't sure where to go as we literally just ended up there the last time.

The kids always ask us where are we going, my answer is usually wherever the gas takes us, and that was the case a couple of years ago. I zoomed in on the lake in Meredith, NH courtesy of Google Maps and found the lakeside restaurant that we could stop at, so I put it in my GPS and as I zoomed in more, it was the one that we passed by near the lake as well, so this was all shaping up to be a great trip. 

HOLD UP, WAIT A MINUTE, YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO THERE? 

As we prepared, my emotions and anxiety started to stir up. NH holds a near and fear (not a typo, I meant near and fear) place in my life and heart. Yes, yet another ex, another place I lived, another place where I left and hurt some important people, and had some fond and enjoyable memories. I told myself drive through it man.... just drive through it. I would be passing Concord, Laconia, and Belmont to get to Meredith or at least seeing the signs for these cities along our journey. Again my heart and head did a sweep and just tried my hardest to sort the direction forward out. We packed up the car and began the 90 mins journey. 

NH was a place that I love and dislike, as much as it loved and disliked me! I lived here with an ex and her family welcomed me as well, and yes there was a race issue as well, no not the races at Loudon, NH, I meant me being a black male with a white woman,  in an all-white family, in an all-white country town. Did I really not know any better, or was I blinded by love is love is love, except when they make an exception with their fingers crossed that either their little girl will fail or the guy she's with will! I thought it was love, but in reality, it was the convenience, safety, and gap that this relationship filled in my life at that time. (Love came after, but it was too late!) 

So much was gained, but much more was lost. I remember when I created a serious mixtape using as much antiquated audio equipment to make a mixtape to get back an ex while I was in NH with my current "friend." I use the quotes because it was an FWB, and I was fearful to call it anything more as I was scared to close out the possibility of being with my ex. I worked hard to get her back all the while hurting this "friend." Working on proving my love to another while a great person stood by me and just watched me hurt her daily. (I'm writing this from an elevated space looking at her pain, my ignorance, and stupidity. It pains me to write this, but it's to free myself and anyone else holding on to a past that has kept you from a present and a mindful future!)

YES, SHE HATES ME AND WITH REASON!

Wouldn't you as well? Who would stand by someone that would not want to state their relationship? A man that was just using because he was too immature, too lost and too ashamed to get his shit together? This went on far too long and I owed this person more than an apology or a million apologies. This story is deeper than the few words I've shared but as deep as that was it was more painful to own the fact that I really openly hurt a special person. She never deserved my treatment and I never deserved her! That was just part of the pain I feel every time I pass the cities we shared and the memories the state holds against me. 

HOW ABOUT YOUR FAMILY IGNORING YOU IN YOUR FACE AS WELL?!

You know what slapped back was that at this same place in Meredith, our final destination, we spotted my older brother there with a female friend two years ago he totally ignored us! My wife noticed him on a boat and we stood visibly so he could see us on the dock, called out to him, and waited to see if he would acknowledge us and come and see our son as he's not seen him ever! We waited and no response, so we said ok, we continued to enjoy the lake and the kids dipped their toes in the water and he remained on the boat with his friend and they were docked the whole time and not once did he make contact. We were there for a good while and decided to leave and as we left we said you know what let's circle back and just say what's up.... we went back, and they were on the boardwalk heading to the restaurant and still not a word. Now you're wondering what happened between us? So am I! 

This slapped hard as we're a small family with a lot of death at this time, and family remains important, but each person has their own lives to live, crosses to bear and decisions to make. If one chooses to be out or in our lives we can only respond to what they provide. We still don't have an answer at this time and have never heard or seen him since that day. So you know my hope in going back last weekend was to be a light at the end of a dark tunnel. The dark tunnel was my trip up there through those towns or signs and the light would be that two years had passed and we could reconcile and talk if he were to be there by chance! Fingers crossed!!!! 

WELL, THAT'S A CHITTY PIECE OF HOPE! 

We made it there, I felt the fear in the pit of my stomach because the guy I was in Concord, Laconia, Belmont was being exorcised from me. He was being buried in the woods somewhere up North. (That's a metaphor and not a real crime! Don't want SVU hollering at ya boy! :-) ) The elevation was allowing me to breathe clearly, with a clear head and a peace that was freeing me from the person and things I had done again over 15 years ago. I smiled at each of those cities and their signs as I felt I had conquered a chunk of fear and was stepping to a better place and space. I had one more piece I was hoping I could close and it was with my brother. Technically he closed us out a couple years ago after many years of it, and I was hoping to put a bow on our relationship if we could meet up. We got there and there was not a boat with him on it... we visited the path we walked talked about the trip, stopped by the boat landing and went to a craft fair. It then began to rain, it was a sign that I was sad I didn't get to close this chapter, but in reality, the universe said, I'm washing away this moment because it doesn't exist in time. It was created by me and it has no life because it died two years ago! 

DON'T TURN AROUND!!! I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU CRYING! 

I'll tell you when you're sentenced to life, or when you sentence yourself to a life of regret and suffering, you can never get that time back. Your mistakes can haunt you forever, but they had a life, a time and place, and the damage was done. You can not take it back or change the outcome. You also can't punish yourself for life, it's not how we were created. We can learn, and the best suggestion I have is to have the willingness to learn from your mistakes and missteps and to don't live a life of fear, regret or suffering. Everyone gets to their point in time, at their point in time. I'm not doing this for any kind of recognition or absolution, I've beat myself up for far too long and it's not gotten me any closer to being a better person. This is a step in my journey to being the better and beat version of me I was created to be! 

Some music to ease or clear your mind....

Memor(ial) Lane 1 of 5.... Give Thanks!

WHO AM I, CERTAINLY NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE FALLEN! 

I would like to begin this series by giving thanks to the many men, women and military families that have given their time and ultimate sacrifice to provide the freedom we enjoy today. When I started to think about this series, It was difficult for me to think about what I've been going through and how my week connected to loss and memory, but my selfishness was never at a level that was felt or endured by the soldiers and their families. It's because of that honesty, I didn't post this sooner, however, it could not be ignored as it was stirring in my spirit daily and just kept bubbling to the surface.

So what? What's this have to do with anything? As I read back what I just wrote, at first glance it could seem selfish and confusing. To put it into better perspective from Friday, May 24th to Monday, May 27th, I was on a journey that really woke my spirit up and forced me to face and walk through my many fears. I wrestled with the importance of posting it on Memorial Day as my life with challenges holds less weight than the many fallen soldiers. The weekend and holiday reminded me to remember the fallen soldiers, it also reminded me to remember my fallen past, take hold of my failing present to forge a memorable future!

Get a little closer... Don't be shy, Get a little closer, it's ok to cry!!! (3 of 3)

THE DARKNESS NEEDS LIGHT! 

We all know there's a season to everything and as the Bible says, joy comes in the morning....I've wished for too long that my mornings would never come to be... 

That statement is so dark, depressing, sad, cold, lonely and painful, I If I have to sum it up in some words. Which one of these are you really hiding/living behind? Wishing that morning wouldn't come? Every week I am faced with the same questions, including "Have you wished that you would go to sleep and never wake up?" My answer is always a resounding NO as if I won that question, but in reality, I was losing; Losing at life!

Some have heard this question, some may currently be answering this question, some are fighting this question and yet you still can't seem to find the answer, yet you carry along behind a mask with the hopes that someday things will turn around. I don't speak to judge, but from a place of understanding, sympathy, and care and from that place of darkness.

Many people speak of their depression, of the people that they know that have been lost to it, about the struggle and daily battle of living with it. It's not easy and it's not embarrassing! It's also not the only diagnosis to run to if things aren't or haven't been well in your life. What's my point?

SHARPEN YOUR FOCUS! 

In today's life, it's easy to say we're not competing to not compete with the competitors, but we forget that the non compete space is also getting a bit crowded. So the do your own thing space as redefined by certain types of people also has begun to get crowded. So what will work for me? What do I want to do? It's ok to not know, but it's not ok to not want to know.  In my meaning, I'm suggesting to keep moving and don't get stuck. The more you move/do, the more stuff gets out of your way, the clearer the path becomes and more things come to you, because along the way, you opened, shook off and focused!

It's easy to become overwhelmed to look at the big picture so much that you forget the details that make the picture come together. This isn't a new concept, I'm not sharing breaking news or revelatory information, I am merely saying, let's give it a try! I've been pushing for my next thing for years and I've missed and lost so much. I've been hoping to have enough funds, status, clout or whatever currency is necessary to buy myself forgiveness and then be able to get over things and enjoy a small fraction of my life just in time to die.

I must admit, I never focused on the right things.

I never focused on the details that make the big picture, I never read the chapters to the book,  I never invested enough or reinvested in the nouns that mattered to me, I just lived, or so I thought. 


LIVING DID NOT EQUAL HAPPY!

You know what it equals, especially if you don't care... it equals loss. That's the most simple way to put it. Loss of loved ones, moments, self and the nouns that matter most. When I started to write this, I thought I was going to get to the point of enjoying the seeds of the pepper sooner but realised that there was a lot more before we got there. What're the seeds of the pepper?

During my conversation last week, someone said... you have to zoom in and focus in on everything you're doing! To myself I thought I do that always, through lists, being as organised as I can be, by keeping to a schedule, etc, but in reality, I was still filling buckets with holes. She said zoom in and focus even on the seeds of the pepper you are cutting. I said in my head, who cares about the seeds of the pepper? In my other mind, I said, well the pepper does and the person that is about to enjoy it should.

The point, whether it's the seed in the pepper, the grain in the coffee table, the spark in your significant other, the light in your kids' eyes, be present and be in that moment. Not wondering about the gain, how long will this take, why is this important,  Not what's my next up or how are we going to level up? When you invest in being, you fill a void in your BEING!


IT'S NOT EASY THOUGH!

Try it, but trust me it is hella hard. Getting closer, being tuned in zoned in, zoomed in, focused in and all other ways to silence the noise... It's a challenge and I'm still learning. What I am learning is that getting over the past becomes easier when you focus on the present. The present loves you being present...and your past, if horrid, usually wants to hate you. Focusing on the nouns now and becoming a better you, will bring back those that matter most.

You can't pray and not have faith simultaneously, something has to give and I say give in to faith that all things work for the good to them that believe!

There's a version of you where this is just a moment in time and you will reflect on this period and grow from it.... make it count!

Finding My Out, In! : Get a little closer... (2 of 3) Is it fair?

Finding My Out, In! : Get a little closer... (2 of 3) Is it fair?: Wait,  whaaaaaaaaaat? Forgive myself for hurting people?  Shouldn't they accept my apology for me hurting them, and then I can work on...

Get a little closer... (2 of 3) Is it fair?

Wait,  whaaaaaaaaaat? Forgive myself for hurting people? 

Shouldn't they accept my apology for me hurting them, and then I can work on forgiving me after they have forgiven me? 

Is it fair? That sounds fair, right? That makes sense right? It's been my rationale for years and here I am still stuck. I hate writing about me and sounding like I'm complaining or whining, but in reality, I've hidden for so long that the emotions and actions of who I was haunt me daily and have created a darker parallel world that is so unfair to my reality. 

WHEN DID I LOSE ME? 

I lost me at the age of 20 and that person has been living a deep dark well criticism, failure, and pain. I try to hide behind various roles, relationships, coattails and so much other pretend ish.  The person I was to be, the person I thought and promised I would be, the person with joy and light was lost around the age of 20. Do you recall when you lost your smile, your light, and your dream? Do you recall when you found it or had that ah-ha moment when you said this is what I'm willing to die for no matter what? My faith has me wrestling with the idea that I was created for bigger, and the wrestle is with my reality that says you don't deserve it because you've not deposited enough good Karma or it's not been an equal gain vs loss. Confusing right? 

WHY ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE BRO? 

How do you think I can live in this world of sadness, darkness and depressive energy? It's because of the fact that I've made pain, loss, and sadness my reality, despite the amount of joy, love, and light I have been blessed with. I never gave them my full attention, love or investment. I never looked deeper for my reason for being given those items. I focused more on the fact that I took light, love, and joy from someone, there is no way me having it would last, so I never gave it enough life, love, and light. I kept cutting the root from the blessings, I wouldn't let it settle or give it enough room or love to grow and sustain me or the source. It's been tough robbing myself of the greatness that I possess and my purpose. It's sad that I have stolen time from people that I never developed or grew into more because I never allowed it to. 

A thief that never allowed the wall to be knocked down, that never allowed the bad to just fade away and let the life of now shine. I was too scared to fail so I killed progress before it happened. 

THE DARKNESS NEEDS LIGHT! 

We all know there's a season to everything and as the Bible says, joy comes in the morning....I've wished for too long that my mornings would never come to be... 

Get a little closer... (1 of 3)

Remember that commercial from back in the day? It's been sitting in my spirit for days and I don't know why I can't shake it? Besides that jingle, I've had some very challenging and recurring dreams and visions that also have not made any sense, but put me into a tailspin of fear and loathing! 😕

The other day I had a meeting that made some of it make sense to me. Besides the fear of the unknown, I was also scared to accept and forgive myself. 

We all have a past that may not shine as bright as our present, however, some of us, myself included having a hard time shining possibly because sadly the brightest part of our lives lay within our past. I have given so much light to my past and my present feels so dim. A past that has lots of hurt, pain and buried memories, but for some reason, my body has continued to move, but my mind and spirit have not moved on.

Letting go has been the biggest failure of my failing life. I've held on to the brokenness of my past and never taken the time to repair or replace them. I need an infusion of funds to fix this problem, well that's my belief.  I can solve all of my failures with money, but that's not true.  Money is certainly needed to dig me out, but it's only a piece of it. It won't change the hearts or minds I have broken or hurt. 

Here's why I'm sharing this....it's created a wedge in my life.  One that has barred me from GENUINELY;

- being happy,
- feeling happy,
- living happy and
- sharing happiness!

I have held on to a world and past of unhappiness and pushed so many people away and created so much loss that I don't know if I can pull any back into a space of relative relations? 

I was told that I need to get over it and forgive myself for the decisions and ways I acted when I was young, selfish, single and just not as experienced as I am now. Allow yourself to forgive yourself. 

Wait,  whaaaaaaaaaat? Forgive myself for hurting people? Shouldn't they forgive me for hurting them?

Great question right, but do I have 15 to 20 more years to be unhappy wondering when my life will be ready, stable and looking good enough to buy their forgiveness? Will I die working to be forgiven? Will they die living a life that paid me not mind after my errors? I'm still working through being better at being a better me......

For now, I'm still wrestling with accepting the idea that I need to forgive myself for who I used to be. That is what brings me closer....

To be continued....

I'm scared to die....

Wow what a powerful statement to admit, and believe me your life shifts when you say it and own it!

....but, let's rewind for a little bit. 

So it's clear that I've not been here for some time, but let's also admit it, neither have you! 😁😉 Ok now that's out of the way, let's speak on it for a minute.  I've not been here as for many of us life happens, and socials always tend to take a piece of our lives we're willing to give up. So my presumption is that if you piece all the socials together you'll get a full sense of my current state, but that's a lie right about now.  It's been covered by lots of shade or lack or transparency! I'm about to go deep, or surface until it hurts, but let's dive in.....

Recently I've been in a funk..like a deep ass funk. I'm mean to many close to me, I'm distant to many close to me, I'm lost in a false version of me.  I'm so happy for the many in my world whether it's one or two layers of connection that continue to do what makes them happy. To circle in a world that moves them and their worlds forward.  Everyday I keep praying, but not giving up control for what will be my break?

I thought that some recent conversations would have led to the next thing for me, but the reality was/is I am not ready for it.  I mean the best thing could be in front of me but I haven't done the work to prepare for it and I am quick to blame a series of past doings on why my present is stunted! I know what I want and what gives me life and I can push through so much to get close it, but if I can't overcome the barricade to accept and live in it, then it matters not. So why am I scared to die?

I answered a question recently of what do I fear? While it took me about 12 hours of chewing on it I finally accepted that my fear is being stuck and complacent! That to me is a death sentence! I don't want to accept that searching is my purpose in life. That's selfish. There is a gift within me that I was created to give and that will be fulfilling for me.  I can't spend another 20 years searching and feeling like there is a weight on me that is just trying to kill me because I'm not where I need to be. I would rather that be an energy of enlightenment and life!

I'm scared because I know that I'm scared to take a risk of being without.  I made a promise to myself and family that we will never lack again. Ironically the suffering, mental death and sacrifice I'm making now, are making the world around me lack the true version of me and my being.  What a perplexing space to be in. 

I need a job where I can live and enjoy living  and a better balanced me! One where I can travel, I can help you be your best you, I can make a great salary, I can get the team, Brand, business and self to the next level and lastly one that allows me to use my strengths!

Before I get there the plan is to work on self and accept some more and dump some of my ugly to allow me to shift to the better me that awaits! I know it awaits because it keeps disrupting my status quo!

Eliminate to Illuminate

Recently I've been in a state of wondering and slowy drifting into the lane of wandering.

Just the way you are....?

As I began typing this a reggae cover of Bruno Mars "Just the way you are," came on my playlist, and it seemed like an appropriate title.

I debated for hours if I wanted to write and share these thoughts? I was literally awoken this morning by a haunting and life shaking thought. I was tossing between dream and reality and reality looking back at a dream, only to realise this would take me if I didn't just get up.  That last mental statement was my dream self telling my real self to get up to write down this sentiment, thought, action, cry or however it falls on the receiver.  The real me said why write it down, just share it, another me said no just live it.  All of that woke me up to just wrestle with the thought that I should have written it down.

Knowing it was, well believing it was profound, I didn't feel it was my place to have to share it.  I at least wanted to remember it so I could live it.   Nothing came back, but I sat back and had some clear flashbacks to hours ago.  All I could think of was being a prisoner of my past.  The same past that has allowed me everything but a future, growth and happiness.  I looked back and still felt as if I had not completed or moved passed a horrible past that stunted lives, relationships, personal and professional growth and kept me behind a mask of incomplete. Why? Dam why? This is the stuff failure mountains are made of.

We look at the mountain and no matter from what side we approach it, we just can't climb to the top to overcome it. The mountain is soft so when you step on a challenge, you get sucked into the "you never overcame this pit!" Every step up, feels like a step in and deeper back into the mountain of failure. It's a challenge and daily I wonder who will validate me and absolve me of a past I'm too embarrassed to leave behind? Many say ask forgiveness, seek faith, move on and move up, haters gonna hate, love conquers all and many other key words from wealthy people who have conquered their mountains and demons. What's the phrase man, is all this backstory and whining necessary? Yes!

The phrase that awoke me this morning was "You can't appreciate a person's now if you continue to hold them against their then!" Asking a person to change, telling them they'll never change and not seeing their change is a tough place for them to be in. It's like asking a 6' person to stand tall in a 4' high box! No matter how much they try, they'll never stand up to 6'. I look at my mountains of failure and dam I have a lot of climbing or burning to do! Easing your conscience, forgiving yourself is tough.  It's really a matter of focusing on your daily victories and burning and burying the ashes of your past being. 

We have all been created for a destined purpose, we lose that aim when we make decisions and choices that aren't in line with our destiny.  If you believe that, then focus on that.  If you're struggling with road blocks, with getting over the hurt, with flashbacks of why you can't move fwd, I send you my faith for prayers strength and wisdom. We're all dealing or have dealt with demons and many times if can rear it's ugly head and try to remind you why you don't deserve success or happiness. Fight through, fight on. The world is big and your purpose has been waiting for you stop delaying progress.

The universe has blessed you daily with life and opportunities to move in the right direction, make better decisions and face your failures! Open your heart to receive what awaits you, unlock the mental cell and allow the positive progressive process to be at the forefront.

Perfectly, Imperfect!

I kept singing perfectly imperfect, to the tune of John Mayer's "Perfectly Lonely." As I searched the historical archives of Google and YouTube, I was certain that it was in fact John Mayer who sang Perfectly Imperfect and all the other versions were just covers. I mean so I was a little bit wrong, I lied, I was a lot bit wrong!

Nevertheless, I've been chewing on this title since my last post, but in greater depth after my exam a few weeks ago. The words made sense to me, as they rushed right into my mind and onto my tongue as to say, yeah another one. Another message of you're broken, but it's ok, not to worry about it, you'll be fine. For years I've always held on to the "you'll be fine part," and stayed away from the "you're broken part." See it's my laziness and my ease of winning people over that afforded me the mindset and the motivation to not work for the challenging things in life.

I sat and had a great conversation about this a couple of weeks ago and it left me in pain and swimming in an emotional puddle. I was asked the hardest series of questions of my life...Here it is verbatim.

"You need to put thought into why you give up and quit so easily? Who taught you how to stop so quick, and to stop fighting? Please identify where you learned that and from who? Can you clearly identify and be able to clearly explain why you feel so entitled and not willing to work for the things you want. Why do you feel things should be handed to you and not earned?"

For days and hours on end, all I could think of and wrestle with was no don't go there, don't unmask my ugly? Don't dig up the dirt you've buried, the ways of ease, don't walk down those roads that will unsettle the continuum. However, every step I took away from it as to bury my head, like a magnet, it kept bringing me back to a space that said you can't go forward by skipping over this step in the process. This step is a hurdle to victory and it can't be ignored, if you plan to move on from this stagnant place.

Looking at my past is hard, because I have looked back at the person I've lost. The me that I've thrown away to get to a place of trying to get to the next place. That person I miss, the me of old, minus his poor and hurtful decisions. Let me correct that, I don't know if regret is the right term, but I wish I learned more and faster from my errors. (Drafted on 26Aug17- an incomplete post)

STATIC: The incomplete journey

I promised myself that I would get up early today, as I needed to be in at work by 6 am. So I committed to that, but as I have in the past, I've said the same over and over again and would end up at work hours later. This time would be different, this time had to be different, as were some of the other days past from the last 8 months. No, but really I promised myself this time would be different and it had to be and nothing would change that, so there... that's what I believe I said to myself, my wife and my doubting self. 

JUST KEEP SWIMMING!

Well, I did it, I woke up early and left early! I think the heat/humid room making me sick also played a role in my rise this morning. I have to say it though, the great universe, My God had a plan for me and I had no idea. Say Whaaaattt?? I mean I take so much time to get ready and most of it is psyching myself to get up out of the bed, off the toilet, then take that shower, then get dressed, then do my daily nutritional aim, and then get to work. Everything before I get to the car, and every day feels like a load, and a journey and an inconvenience, but why? I'll get to that sometime; see there it is again, that "just let it be" attitude! That comma, or the three dots, the incomplete of incompletes have become my standard, but that's not what this post is about. I mean it, it will be in the following post, but for now... Static!

DON'T CHANGE THAT STATION!

Yes, I made it to the car, and while every step I took felt as if I was moving 100lbs (to a certain degree I am, my weight, my worries, my bag, my fears, my incompletes, my past, you know the drill) I still made it to the car, yet at which point when I got into the car, I was mentally drained for what was awaiting me on this day. See I got up early to get to the office early to prepare reports for a couple daily calls on the day's activities and business all before 8 am. So that's about 2 hours of preparation for about 40 mins of dialogue. Bleh. Anyways, my phones usually pair to my car once I get in and turn it on. It allows me the chance to stream music and wisdom I don't usually find in my area. (Insert plug for ViVid Streaming hosted by Rashidi @sundaddy12) It's either that or NPR to get me ready for the 45-minute commute to the city. (that's without traffic) Today for some reason, my phone(s) wanted to pair and every minute I'm in my lot, is a minute further I am from the office and closer to sitting in that Boston Traffic.

I wasn't to be bothered and those that know me well, I've got little to no patience for somethings, and this right here, this was one of those things! I had my foot on the brake and when neither phone would connect since the car was asking "anyone wanna join the party?" There was no response, like "radio silence" from my phones, and then the station that kicked on was playing a Christian Rock song, as I took my foot off the brake and put the car in reverse it started playing a classic Jazz tune. So I said to myself, I'm not changing the channel, either way, I'm getting something from this station. Now thanks to my great friends Mike F, and Paul K, I have basic knowledge about FM and how it works and as an avid driver, I know you just need to move closer to the source for a more clear signal. I made up in my mind that I was not going to change this station for the next 45 mins, No matter what!

HOLD ON I'M COMING THROUGH!

I thought that one of these stations would win out, but for some reason, I was in the mix and the clouds were hovering enough to keep the static as clear as day. Wow isn't this art imitating life? I've been in a haze for months, lost, confused and not receiving clarity. Now here I am in a car with a station that is receiving two signals. See I wasn't bothered as I was thankful that there was a Gospel station on FM in the area and secondly, I love a great jazz station as well. So my only wrestle was to stay committed to not changing the station and allowing a message to come through the static. So the gospel station started with some uplifting tunes and my spirit awoke, then it was hungry for me, and the Jazz station took over and it forced the pain and confusion to the surface and I started bawling out. Then it was the top of the hour and an NPR station started to drop some knowledge. Now I thought that either of these stations was an NPR station with a Jazz or Christian segment, but nope. So now there are three stations vying for my tears and ears. 

I'm still committed to not changing the station, but I want to because I don't want to be that guy crying on the highway who can't really see what's in front of him. It was beyond me. Every minute I had more pouring into me from the Christian station and the Jazz station and more tears pouring out. I couldn't stop it. I just needed this. I needed this, I needed this, I just really needed this!

 TUNED IN! 

This was a ride that was planned for me. This was a moment my spirit needed. This was something I didn't know was awaiting me. All I knew before I got up this morning was that I've lived a life of incomplete, I've failed a lot and fear taking risks. I know that I'm on the Hamster wheel, Grinding Gears and just inserting self into the motion. I've been asked for weeks, what's your plan? I've been frustrated that I couldn't see or create a plan, but like static you have to fine tune the noise for clarity. You need to move closer to the source for better sound and well in the noise there's always a message. My life and spirit needed a word from God today, and my clouded mind needed the reminder that Jazz when they freestyle makes amazing music. Every note I heard today connected with my spirit, dug up more and more tears, so know this.... I'm tuned in to the change! 

Scared to fail... PreOp

So I'm here and I guess that's a good thing, at least that's what I was told this morning.  I woke up today with the mindset that today was going to be a tough one as all of my days have been as of late. I decide with all the heat and humidity, I should wear a long sleeved heavy cotton shirt today, so I did. What I didn't realise was, today the color I chose lifted spirits and smiles, what bothered me was why not mine?

As I sit here at this pre-op surgery meeting, I'm telling myself I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I want to be ready, I should be ready, but I'm not. What do I say, let's go ahead and see if this makes a difference? Is this the answer or will it be just a bandage? My mind races wondering what do I say? Do I lie and continue this spiral or do I tell the truth and allow the universe to work it's way to me? The latter has me frustrated, as I feel lazy waiting and my anxiety goes up. So I pull the trigger and make hasty and poor decisions because I couldn't wait any longer.

I feel this is the story of my life since I feel as if my challenges have been me waiting all along because I'm still searching for where I belong.  Wrong. Sometimes waiting means to let everything fall and fail and then the answer will reveal itself. Easy to think, write or type hard to enact. No one likes to see things fail, but there's always a lesson in every failure. It's hard and tough to always psych yourself up to be and give great, but sometimes the coach needs a shoulder.

Far too many times I feel like the saying that says "I Never Finish Anythin..." I don't know if I never finish because my time is done and the next step awaits my arrival so I just cash out and disconnect or if I'm wired just to stop when I don't see the results I desire? How ever it is sliced, I need to make a definite decision on this step. Waking up like a Hamster, grinding gears, having greater desires boiling in me, reaching with no assistance, in a world where support direction and growth are lacking has me confused, bitter and dejected.

Today I pause to create a plan, seeing my tomorrow wrestling with my today has tired me out. I need to live in the present and prepare for the greater. More to come!

Mirror of Reflection (March 2014)

The MIRROR of TRUTH!

We see our reflection,
and through selection,
we amplify our imperfections,
while we hide behind our true intentions
our representative defends our perception!

Seeing isn’t believing, if you don’t believe what you see!
As the mirror has shown you reality,
Not the version you show to me,
We can close our eyes to no longer see the reflection
Yet in the darkest space, we aim for correction, perfection and Connection!

- CDF 2014 -

Holding on to Letting Go!

Take me as I am - Wyclef Jean f/Sharissa 

But girl you know that, you take me as I amEven though my fam don't understandWhy I put that rock up on your handThat's cos you take me as I am (take me as I am)

Wanna be loved - Buju Banton 

Wanna be loved

Not for who you think I am

Nor what you want me to be

Could you love me for me?

Real love, with no strings attached

I wanna give you me heart

Don't want to take it back

Paper Loving - Christopher Martin 

If you can't love me now

Don't love me later

When my later is much greater

Cah mi nuh waan no impersonator

-The Above lyrics pulled from Google - 

They may not be fully accurate or printed as intended by the artist and or composer. 

SO WHAT YOU LIKE LYRICS, AND....?

These lyrics all came to mind when I asked myself who are your writing for? Why are you writing, who needs to read this? What kind of approval are you seeking? What happens after this? Aren't you over the idea of being accepted? Are we ever? All of these lyrics played over and over in my head as I wondered why write again? They played when I asked myself what's next for you? They came to mind when I wondered where did I go wrong? They played over in my head when I wondered why am I trying to right the past? 

Yes, I'm embarrassed by my actions and decisions of my past and yet I feel like I will forever be bound and defined by them. I want to let go, but I feel that the persons I've wronged or hurt expect me to hold the guilt and shame forever as penance for my actions. Bruh, Get over it and Just LIVE!  Easy words to type and write, harder words to execute. All I wanted to get out of my thoughts were why can't I be loved for who I am. So all the lyrics while some refer to love, life, success and so forth, pieces of them spoke to my needs. Spoke to my spirit and really amplified what I was feeling. 

It felt good listening to the lyrics and pulling what reverberated in my mind and soul, but I kept getting push back from my overbearing past that kept saying you don't deserve to be happy until you fix this and that, pay this and correct that. I've felt stuck behind this for so long, and I sadly believe it's my fate! That's a very depressing mindset, but when you're beaten and broken, it's hard to see and be motivated to do or get more. Who wants to believe and accept that failure is their calling? Who wants to believe that the lack of accomplishment is your accomplishment for this life? 

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

My wondering of not completing had me tied up for the last 10 days wondering when I would write again and in that time I asked myself questions over and over and over again. You know when you ask yourself something so much, you talk yourself out of taking action. I used to always say in my former life... "those that think, don't act!" That really plays well into the world of #TeamWeStayConfused. 

I used it to help shape the point of reference for some people in my life to let them know that no decision is still a decision. The world of confusion is also a decision. It's easy to make, but tough to maintain since it's a decision that requires you to be pliable daily in a land of uncertainty with no destiny. I would never use that term for those making million dollar or life altering decisions. Clearly, the term has its time and place and doesn't apply for and to all. It does, however, have some weight and value to it. Speaking from experience of course. 

This all looks great on the screen, but what I've not told you yet is that I was the Resident Director at the WSC (We Stay Confused) Residence Hall. I always had one foot on the outside coaching those that were in, and the other foot was in trying to figure out how to not feel overwhelmed by this "decision." Remember I didn't think it was a final decision, I believed that because I was in the land of confusion I was either buying or pausing time. Neither was true and in fact, I lost a lot of time; time that will never come back and no one was ever willing to give back. 

Staying confused is still falling short of accomplishing something and you know why I remain confused FEAR! Yes fear, we come back to that topic and word that creates gaps not bridges to freedom. 

STOP HOLDING YOUR BREATH AND BREATHE! 

One of my most profound conversations this week asked me to let go. I was like no I can't, I mean that's what my spirit said, but my mouth, said you're right. I followed my spirit and not my mouth, shame on me, shame on me. I know that I need to get teh eff over this bullshit. I need to be bigger than the past I've failed at. I look back at it because I wanted to be everything that I'm not. I tried hard to be loved by the many ppl that couldn't and wouldn't love a fat black man in an area where "what would they say" trumped, what do they feel for each other. (FEAR) I wanted to be loved and appreciated I took to the stage and everything I did was to make the world laugh and know that you don't have to fear the big black guy in the room. He's cuddly and funny and loveable, but that was all temporary. I still want the likes, I want the double taps, I want the retweets, wait no I don't all of that wasn't around when I was growing up, but being accepted was. I have no one to blame, yet I have myself to hold accountable for holding my breath as if to say, hey it'll change. 

My mum used to always remind us according to the biblical scripture, "In order for things to change, I must be willing to change." I'm holding my breath, all the while someone else is living a life I've denied myself because I've allowed my embarssing past to shine greater than my promised future. I fell into a great Shark the other day,  and all I did was waste it and threw it away because all I kept saying to myself was, "you don't deserve this," and "your past will block your happiness," and "just stay below the radar." It took a dear friend to remind me to look at that moment from a different place and that may fuel my vision and drive.  

I close with this, as the Bishop TD Jakes once said... "God, If you won't let me be it, don't let me see it!" If you've got a vision and purpose assigned to you, it's your life to make it happen. 

Give life to life and stop giving life to death! 

Having little, but still having it all!

Matt Cusson is an amazingly talented artist that your music library needs.

This song speaks to me and reminds me that value isn't all about money and dreams do take time, especially the ones fueled by passion and purpose. To me one of the best lyrics, and the one I relate to so well is "My wallet's a joke, but it's nice being broke next to you!" 


 Matt Cusson - "Next To You" via Youtube 

When I first heard this song, I said to my wife it was a cover and that's not Matt's style to cover. (I scoffed and had a snobby tone to about it, as if his talent owed me an original tune. 😏) So sad to say as a supporter I was a bit taken back by this move. Saddened by my thought the only medicine was to listen to this infectious tune a few more times. Then as I listened to it more and more, I smacked myself and said wait a minute, this isn't a cover, I heard him sing this song about two years earlier at one of his shows. The sound in this song has this instant classic and timeless feel to it, so I ate my words and kept it on repeat! So Matt if you're reading this, I'm sorry man, but thankful cause I forced me to listen to this until my mental memory pulled up the time and place! 😊 (Sidebar Matt does some incredible covers, but makes them his own. His sound is unique so you'll know his flavor when he adds it!) 

This song is a true artists life. It's the life of a creative, the person that has a purpose and not a traditional roadmap. Having the right person, and it only takes the right person to help you get through. When I listen to this song I cry, and my wife knows why. In simple terms, when you've been blessed with an amazing gift, yet you don't take the time to appreciate it, or you fall short of supporting it, you feel less than. I chew on these lyrics and dry my tears, now my plan is to remember my why!

I'm nothing without the love and continued support of the people God and the Universe alike have brought me to. My failures are lessons that taught me to want more, to give more and to love more.  With that I share this amazing tune and journey with you and I close with gratitude to My Mum and Claudia (May you both rest in continued peace, and I pray to do you proud.) Charmaine, Clewi and my immediate and extended blood family, my wife Yline, my social and global family and Matt Cusson his wife Lisa and the Cusson family! 

 More Matt Cusson here!