My mistakes keep haunting me...

As a person that was raised in a faith-based home, we were always taught to forgive and forget, and I'm sure many of you were taught that lesson as well.

As I got older, it was reinforced to me that "God doesn't see your mistakes, he only sees your purpose." Then I had to learn that forgiveness is a state of mind and that God can't bless you if you can't forgive you.

I've wrestled with this for years and always allowed my mistakes to take a hold of my present and block my future. While I know that I'm not perfect, and Lord knows I wish I were more improved than my former self, that person can't seem to disappear. It's almost like every time, I have a chance to forgive myself and move on, I think of the hurt I caused, the reputation ruined and the future I've blocked topped with "What do they think of me?" 

That last sentence is the dagger! For many years I lived my life under the mindset of I don't give an eff what they think of me. Now here I am, held hostage by the "they" of my past. It's not often that I think on them, but when I do it shuts me down. It steals my smile, my future, and my purpose. Because I fear what they will say about me, what they feel about me and whom will they tell about me? :-/ What sucks about this is that I KNOW THAT I CAN'T CHANGE ANY OF IT!

I feel guilty for living, trying to "prove" I'm not bothered by their thoughts, opinions, comments,  yet I feel dead with the false life I've been forced to live which has been me allowing the "they" to steal my joy! 

My past isn't pretty, my present has been murky, but my Future is pissed because while it waits for me, I'm dancing with a past I can't change..... To be continued!