Perfectly, Imperfect!

I kept singing perfectly imperfect, to the tune of John Mayer's "Perfectly Lonely." As I searched the historical archives of Google and YouTube, I was certain that it was in fact John Mayer who sang Perfectly Imperfect and all the other versions were just covers. I mean so I was a little bit wrong, I lied, I was a lot bit wrong!

Nevertheless, I've been chewing on this title since my last post, but in greater depth after my exam a few weeks ago. The words made sense to me, as they rushed right into my mind and onto my tongue as to say, yeah another one. Another message of you're broken, but it's ok, not to worry about it, you'll be fine. For years I've always held on to the "you'll be fine part," and stayed away from the "you're broken part." See it's my laziness and my ease of winning people over that afforded me the mindset and the motivation to not work for the challenging things in life.

I sat and had a great conversation about this a couple of weeks ago and it left me in pain and swimming in an emotional puddle. I was asked the hardest series of questions of my life...Here it is verbatim.

"You need to put thought into why you give up and quit so easily? Who taught you how to stop so quick, and to stop fighting? Please identify where you learned that and from who? Can you clearly identify and be able to clearly explain why you feel so entitled and not willing to work for the things you want. Why do you feel things should be handed to you and not earned?"

For days and hours on end, all I could think of and wrestle with was no don't go there, don't unmask my ugly? Don't dig up the dirt you've buried, the ways of ease, don't walk down those roads that will unsettle the continuum. However, every step I took away from it as to bury my head, like a magnet, it kept bringing me back to a space that said you can't go forward by skipping over this step in the process. This step is a hurdle to victory and it can't be ignored, if you plan to move on from this stagnant place.

Looking at my past is hard, because I have looked back at the person I've lost. The me that I've thrown away to get to a place of trying to get to the next place. That person I miss, the me of old, minus his poor and hurtful decisions. Let me correct that, I don't know if regret is the right term, but I wish I learned more and faster from my errors. (Drafted on 26Aug17- an incomplete post)

STATIC: The incomplete journey

I promised myself that I would get up early today, as I needed to be in at work by 6 am. So I committed to that, but as I have in the past, I've said the same over and over again and would end up at work hours later. This time would be different, this time had to be different, as were some of the other days past from the last 8 months. No, but really I promised myself this time would be different and it had to be and nothing would change that, so there... that's what I believe I said to myself, my wife and my doubting self. 

JUST KEEP SWIMMING!

Well, I did it, I woke up early and left early! I think the heat/humid room making me sick also played a role in my rise this morning. I have to say it though, the great universe, My God had a plan for me and I had no idea. Say Whaaaattt?? I mean I take so much time to get ready and most of it is psyching myself to get up out of the bed, off the toilet, then take that shower, then get dressed, then do my daily nutritional aim, and then get to work. Everything before I get to the car, and every day feels like a load, and a journey and an inconvenience, but why? I'll get to that sometime; see there it is again, that "just let it be" attitude! That comma, or the three dots, the incomplete of incompletes have become my standard, but that's not what this post is about. I mean it, it will be in the following post, but for now... Static!

DON'T CHANGE THAT STATION!

Yes, I made it to the car, and while every step I took felt as if I was moving 100lbs (to a certain degree I am, my weight, my worries, my bag, my fears, my incompletes, my past, you know the drill) I still made it to the car, yet at which point when I got into the car, I was mentally drained for what was awaiting me on this day. See I got up early to get to the office early to prepare reports for a couple daily calls on the day's activities and business all before 8 am. So that's about 2 hours of preparation for about 40 mins of dialogue. Bleh. Anyways, my phones usually pair to my car once I get in and turn it on. It allows me the chance to stream music and wisdom I don't usually find in my area. (Insert plug for ViVid Streaming hosted by Rashidi @sundaddy12) It's either that or NPR to get me ready for the 45-minute commute to the city. (that's without traffic) Today for some reason, my phone(s) wanted to pair and every minute I'm in my lot, is a minute further I am from the office and closer to sitting in that Boston Traffic.

I wasn't to be bothered and those that know me well, I've got little to no patience for somethings, and this right here, this was one of those things! I had my foot on the brake and when neither phone would connect since the car was asking "anyone wanna join the party?" There was no response, like "radio silence" from my phones, and then the station that kicked on was playing a Christian Rock song, as I took my foot off the brake and put the car in reverse it started playing a classic Jazz tune. So I said to myself, I'm not changing the channel, either way, I'm getting something from this station. Now thanks to my great friends Mike F, and Paul K, I have basic knowledge about FM and how it works and as an avid driver, I know you just need to move closer to the source for a more clear signal. I made up in my mind that I was not going to change this station for the next 45 mins, No matter what!

HOLD ON I'M COMING THROUGH!

I thought that one of these stations would win out, but for some reason, I was in the mix and the clouds were hovering enough to keep the static as clear as day. Wow isn't this art imitating life? I've been in a haze for months, lost, confused and not receiving clarity. Now here I am in a car with a station that is receiving two signals. See I wasn't bothered as I was thankful that there was a Gospel station on FM in the area and secondly, I love a great jazz station as well. So my only wrestle was to stay committed to not changing the station and allowing a message to come through the static. So the gospel station started with some uplifting tunes and my spirit awoke, then it was hungry for me, and the Jazz station took over and it forced the pain and confusion to the surface and I started bawling out. Then it was the top of the hour and an NPR station started to drop some knowledge. Now I thought that either of these stations was an NPR station with a Jazz or Christian segment, but nope. So now there are three stations vying for my tears and ears. 

I'm still committed to not changing the station, but I want to because I don't want to be that guy crying on the highway who can't really see what's in front of him. It was beyond me. Every minute I had more pouring into me from the Christian station and the Jazz station and more tears pouring out. I couldn't stop it. I just needed this. I needed this, I needed this, I just really needed this!

 TUNED IN! 

This was a ride that was planned for me. This was a moment my spirit needed. This was something I didn't know was awaiting me. All I knew before I got up this morning was that I've lived a life of incomplete, I've failed a lot and fear taking risks. I know that I'm on the Hamster wheel, Grinding Gears and just inserting self into the motion. I've been asked for weeks, what's your plan? I've been frustrated that I couldn't see or create a plan, but like static you have to fine tune the noise for clarity. You need to move closer to the source for better sound and well in the noise there's always a message. My life and spirit needed a word from God today, and my clouded mind needed the reminder that Jazz when they freestyle makes amazing music. Every note I heard today connected with my spirit, dug up more and more tears, so know this.... I'm tuned in to the change! 

Scared to fail... PreOp

So I'm here and I guess that's a good thing, at least that's what I was told this morning.  I woke up today with the mindset that today was going to be a tough one as all of my days have been as of late. I decide with all the heat and humidity, I should wear a long sleeved heavy cotton shirt today, so I did. What I didn't realise was, today the color I chose lifted spirits and smiles, what bothered me was why not mine?

As I sit here at this pre-op surgery meeting, I'm telling myself I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I want to be ready, I should be ready, but I'm not. What do I say, let's go ahead and see if this makes a difference? Is this the answer or will it be just a bandage? My mind races wondering what do I say? Do I lie and continue this spiral or do I tell the truth and allow the universe to work it's way to me? The latter has me frustrated, as I feel lazy waiting and my anxiety goes up. So I pull the trigger and make hasty and poor decisions because I couldn't wait any longer.

I feel this is the story of my life since I feel as if my challenges have been me waiting all along because I'm still searching for where I belong.  Wrong. Sometimes waiting means to let everything fall and fail and then the answer will reveal itself. Easy to think, write or type hard to enact. No one likes to see things fail, but there's always a lesson in every failure. It's hard and tough to always psych yourself up to be and give great, but sometimes the coach needs a shoulder.

Far too many times I feel like the saying that says "I Never Finish Anythin..." I don't know if I never finish because my time is done and the next step awaits my arrival so I just cash out and disconnect or if I'm wired just to stop when I don't see the results I desire? How ever it is sliced, I need to make a definite decision on this step. Waking up like a Hamster, grinding gears, having greater desires boiling in me, reaching with no assistance, in a world where support direction and growth are lacking has me confused, bitter and dejected.

Today I pause to create a plan, seeing my tomorrow wrestling with my today has tired me out. I need to live in the present and prepare for the greater. More to come!