There's something about knowing what's your thing?!

I've had a hard time sleeping for the last few weeks. Part anxiety, sprinkled with stress, intertwined with poor food choices (due to an interesting work schedule) all the while holding my tongue and opening my eyes and listening to my spirit! 

Huwhuuut you say meng? I guess for me the unease of looking around for the better me, has been a battle I've wrestled with for many years. I don't want this to come off as I still don't have it all together, but more so, I'm getting the pieces together. Let me start here.... 

To all of my friends and social connections. I support you, because I love what you do! Whether we are connected socially, through school, work, or other friends, my appreciation of you isn't any less because of my direct or  indirect connection to, or with you. I am excited for you and all that you do, because you have been chosen to do that thing! My life's choices and influences didn't allow me to travel the world when I wanted to. It didn't allow me a getaway every three months, it didn't open stage doors for me, didn't create a wealth of income and other degrees and accolades that amount to something. I'm here, and you're there and I'm truly happy and excited for you!!  Real talk, there was a time when I was deeply jealous of you, jealous of your accomplishments, jealous of all you had and all that I lacked! My reaction was to distance myself, feel guilty or just shy away in shame, then I had to ask myself and read the many quotes that said things along the lines of "be you, everyone else is already taken!" 

I took that to heart a few times, but then buried myself again into the pits of "not good enough," and continued to spiral down the road of regret and shame. Who would or could pull me out? Can't be the same person that put me there (Not me)? I believed that I couldn't pull myself out of a space that I had created and kept digging for myself. You know when there isn't room on the elevator, but you still force yourself in, that's what I did with my pit of guilt and shame. I continued to put more noise in my head and I drowned it out, by burying my head further. Making room in crowded area that wasn't even fit for an ant. It took me many years to realise, and circle back to my biblical roots that stated we were all created (called) for a particular reason. I wrestled with that because I felt so much of my dreams were so vivid and at a level of real that I felt like I would wake up and be living in it. When I realised that too many times my dreams would not and/or had not become reality, I had to pivot to just surviving, thus created a mindset of continued failure and "why aim if there's no gain?" Similarly as Bishop T.D. Jakes said in a sermon once, "don't let me see it, if you won't let me be it!" 

My life's calling was awaiting me and I had to get out of this pit! I had no reason to stay there and live it out as if it was true and factual. It was a moment in time that was necessary as I moved towards what I had an itching for. I knew that somewhere along my life I would find my calling, purpose, reason, you know the thing that I was birthed for. Whatever it's called, you never see if when your going through the process of sharpening. We always feel we don't have what it takes to be great, or a version of our greater present. So this is where I realise I'm rambling and I say wake up you are here for a reason. Don't know what it is.... don't worry you soon will! 

I had to stop failing and shift my stinking thinking! You know when you put bad in, you get bad out, because your POV is fixed on seeing only bad. I had to give up on giving up and push myself just a little bit more than what I was doing before. There's a lot left and I wasn't sure I would be around to accomplish any of it. I allowed my mindset to cheat me out of a life that I could have enjoyed more. 

What's that mean? It means that I now know my thing, well I at least have a clearer direction towards it. For years I knew what I enjoyed, then I knew what I loved, then I knew what I was good at and just kept moving from job to job, but not moving in my space of success! You know I was always led to believe that you can't shine in a group, I should always be a team player, take on thankless jobs, just be a silent participant, but no one ever told me why or the benefit of my sacrifices. It can be demoralizing and discouraging if you don't have a goal or even know what the results of your efforts are.  

For years I wore mediocrity as a badge of honor and felt bad whenever I wanted to feel good! It killed me inside because I wanted to be a better version of what I was accepting or led to accept.  For years I worked in spaces where I would give up my being, hide my identity, hide my gift, never admit my talent and shy away from the doors I could have kicked down if I worked on my confidence, defining and accepting my talents.  What's all this matter anyway? You're many years from being too old, too relevant and too valuable.  Well that's a lie! In recent years I've come to grips with the fact and reality that I am created for a reason. I am destined to travel a path that doesn't mirror the ones I've been jealous of, supported, elevated I r created! My tears, my depression, my life, my gains, my losses, hits and misses have all been lessons I needed to learn, roads I had to travel to sharpen, shape, refine and elevate my gifts and talents! 

There was a time when I stepped out of my faith and lost a spiritual connection that I know was a gift that I abused one time and used for my personal gain. (Nothing illegal or harmful to self or others) I stepped away and it never came back because of my ill use of it, lack of understanding, immature and irresponsible mindset which didn't align with why I had it and what it was needed for during that time in my life.

Now,  I know that my gift and talent acceptance and embrace comes with a voice of confidence, a level of clarity, a bit of uncomfortable conversation, but the results yield what many have avoided...my true self and purpose! Because I know my thing and have wrestled accepting it for 10 years (this year marks 10, thank you Mistah Smith!). Was it wasted time? Only if I throw away my clarity and the lessons the journey brought me.  My talents aren't for everyone, my gifts aren't for everyone, my apologies aren't for everyone, my destiny isn't for everyone and my assistance and words won't be accepted by everyone,  but we are all created for a purpose so everyone will either live out theirs or die wishing!

 No matter how minor or major your vision is, once you align with the knowledge that you fit the path carved out for you, things move in a way that yields more clarity.  

What's it feel like? 

It's like a shield is before you, but it's not protecting you  it's used to break through all the walls of bullshit, bad vibes, poor relationships, sucess and growth blockers, anything that has stolen your vision, your joy and your direction!  You feel like you're wearing a cloak that provides you a level of confidence and invisibility, and let's you only see the path that leads you to the next level! You don't ignore the noise and distractions  along the way, but you are more sensitive to the world as it's presented to you. 

Question; Does the bullshit matter and who truly decides what and why does it matter? Only YOU!!! 

Why can't we encourage everyone to find and live in their true space? Can we live alone and still be happy? I'mma say yes, but it's a daily battle until you share, and help others find their talents and gifts! Many of us have ppl in our lives, real or virtual for validation or digital cred, but still feel so empty, so alone and so lost. I find myself fighting for acceptance at a table that I wasn't invited to, and as much as the host says they want me there, none of the guests do, so what do I do? I find myself at night in a city with lots to do, having no one in my social circles to enjoy it with.

Know this, the desire for acceptance always comes with an exponential amount of rejection, either overtly or internally, but it doesn't last forever! My suggestion take the desire, convert it to self wonder and dig deeper and connect to your talent and gifts! It's in you...the person who validates that isn't judging you, but are waiting for you! 

Teach someone to love themselves. Show someone how to harness their gift and talents. Support someone that's hurting inside and wants to be accepted! Show them how to be stronger than the words of validation they seek! Show them how to live their truth! It's not filtered, it's not pretty, it's not always sunny, but it's all them, it's all you!!!! 

I can't teach, if I won't learn!

(Started on 9/16/19 @ 8:22am EST)

What a powerful, no let me rephrase that, what a heavy weekend. This past weekend was a heavy AF weekend. It was filled with joy, sadness, tears, hurt, anger, love, a football game, a wedding, a surprise guest appearance and some jet-lag! In the end it was all a vortex of learning. As I write this I'm debating if I should use names to protect the guilty, or say eff it reality is reality?

(Continued on 9/26/19 @ 9:42am EST) 
Wow, some time has gone by and I've not even addressed this matter in this form! I wont lie, I've not had the most amount of time to commit, wait that's a blatant lie, I've opted not to invest the emotional time into the drama that has plagued my life in the last week. Some of it has been good, some has been for necessary growth and enlightenment, some has just been noise, but it's all me. Right at the center of it all it's me! I'm the constant. I'm either the catalyst, the result, the lesson, the change needed or just the end result of judgement, but I still have not sat down to put it into words. I spent a good portion of the last few days sleeping. I wasn't sure if it was because I was overly tired from traveling, and working or if my medication regiment was back in my system and just acting a fool? I wasn't sure of any of it, but I know that I was in a way, and as many post as I see that say "A Mood" there was not post that could sincerely express mine.

I've wanted to write, to scream, to yell to exhale, to share, to shape and to do so much dumping in the last week, it's made me tired and had the reverse affect. I've gone into a shell to completely seclude the world and take on the challenges again by myself, but the results have remained the same, stagnant. I'm excited for what lies ahead, but it seems that whenever some great happens, something sad or poor does. I'm trying to balance my emotions to accept and align that that is how the universe balances things. Example, a couple weekends ago, I was honored to join my brother at his wedding and to see their family and the unity and bond of love flourish was grand. The same weekend we suffered a loss, but one that was also a gain. We lost someone close to the family, but you ever have that loss that is a gain of freedom, piece of mind, clarity and just a weight off your shoulders? It's not so much a bother gone, but more so, OK, if someone doesn't want to be in your life, there's no worth for you trying to keep them there. I'm sure some of you might be able to relate to that friend, of BFF, that colleague, high school or college mate or sibling that just wanted out. Neither of you were of value or growth for the other and cutting ties was of more value that feeding a dead root!

Ok, so that's a lot and pretty heavy, but that's how I got to the title. I felt that many of us want to have people in our lives. Either by force, or by common likes, or things that draw us together and at times it's blood. In the end it's the need for acceptance and to be apart of something other than self. What I've uncovered in my life is that many people want to be right, or in charge, but have zero interest in being wrong or following. Is it so bad to be wrong and to follow? I don't think so as long as you know your truth and your destiny! The reason for my title of "I can't teach, if I won't learn" comes from a place of ignorance. At times we need to shut things down or out, but how are you continuing the evolution of life and growth if you just cut things down/out? The other side of that is the willingness to grow from what is being taught! Yes frustration happens when you don't see the results you think should happen. However, truth be told, not every seed grows over night. Any good teacher knows that not all students learn on the same plane, but the all learn. So in my mind the teacher, must also be willing to always be a student and that enhances their teachings. I see it as a way to keep giving and always receiving and giving will always make room for the most recent need!

This may seem like an emotional ramble, but in the end my desire is that if you're any kind of coach, or person of influence, disappointment is death! We should remain in a position of "always be learning to teach and teaching to learn!" Remember your success wasn't handed to you and if it was, be ready to give it away, it's the only way you can make room for more and greater at that! 

Memor(ial) Lane 4 of 5.... Back to Reality!

(So I began writing this right after the last post, then again on June 23rd, and now today July 16th. You'll find out the reason for the delay in a coming post.)

I know it's been a while right? I've been sorting through some emotions, some ups, downs, yes, no's, and a lot of failures lately. I've had to wrestle with and see how I can pick myself up and "Get Over It!" Yes, I hold on to things and even if I cause the pain, or if I'm not qualified or have made the error, a part of me wants to be made whole or put to ease. I just can't seem to get over and let go of some things that have shaped me for better, well mostly worse.

We've been checking in to a lot of beach or water spots lately, but as much as I love the water, I have not honestly connected with being there and the opportunity to be there. It's been a hike to get there, then once there, a quick glimpse, or walk, then poof we're back in the car on our way back home. Didn't really get a chance to honestly connect with the experience and gain of being there. So that brings me to the 4th of 5 days in the Memorial Lane episode! 

WHAT'S YOUR TRUTH? - MONDAY MAY 27th, 2019 - MANCHESTER, CT

It was over a year ago my brother moved to the East Hartford, CT area and one weekend we decided to go and visit him. Looking for something to do, he suggested going to Charter Oak Park in Manchester, CT where the kids could run around and enjoy the park. We could then take some time and just catch up, and wow was catch up a misclassification of what was about to go down. What was about to go down was clearly a page out of Kevin Hart's book of "he wasn't ready!" I certainly was not, but in truth, it's always been my brother's way of operating so I should have been ready for it.

Well, I wasn't! We began talking about what I was going through at work and some challenges I Was facing and hurdles I couldn't seem to get over. As we discussed these challenges, my brother said let's get to the core of this noise. I think it was his way of saying I'm sick of hearing the same shit different year from you with no plan of action towards change... I mean I think he may have even clearly said that. As we dug in deeper, we went back to my days in high school and college and my abilities to learn and complete projects, etc. See I was the guy who's dog always ate his homework, I just never had a dog! My way through High School was seen through a lens. Unlike the lens of the social media and social status lens, mine was literal and through a video camera lens. Yes, there was a time when these things were really popular! :-) As one of the co-creators of our high school's award-winning news program/club I was so committed to its success, I lived every day of my life behind the camera with a great support and production team.

I mean there wasn't a project or paper due that I didn't record via video or voice. It was my way to an A! It was the way I communicated. It was my voice, finally understood. This black kid from the island, not popular, not an athlete, chubby ok I was fat, and so far from fitting in, this became a new and leveled playing field. It was my voice, my humor, my in to being heard and valued. I was in my own zone and now it was time to shine. I knew the doors it would open for me, the school and the community. What I didn't know, were the doors it would also close to me and my ability to really learn and prove that I had, in fact, learned something. It worked out as I did do research and instead of writing a paper, I edited a video. I honed that skill and ability well, but it wasn't retained because in most cases, it was done to get the project done and I knew the memory was in the recording, not my mental record of it. This got me into college and I tried the same approach, but was greeted with a Hell Nawh! You really need to work at this. My time in college was great from an entertaining point view, and I was told many times, If I got graded on being a social butterfly I'd make the Dean's list!

I wasn't the best student and I can admit that out loud because there's no hiding from the truth, no matter how much you bury it in your heart, your world or in your mind.. It comes to the surface or it silently impacts your decisions that reflect your whys. So my departure from college and the many roles after that lead to the understanding that I had not completed anything that got tough. I wouldn't NKOTB it, and Hang Tough! That wasn't my MO, I wanted the easy way out; the here's my video answer to this question way out. I realised that I pulled the ripcord too often and got too frustrated and refused to learn and let other matters become more important than higher education or even the roles I been given. I always got a break or opportunity, but it wasn't for growth it was a bailout because it got too much for me, or too hot to handle. You see how ugly this conversation was? I had to face the fact that I give up too easily and that maybe I went to college too soon, or I took a job too soon without my due diligence, and failure is sure to follow without the proper training or mindset.

That day I was broken, first I was upset but it was misdirected. I was upset with the facts and realization my brother brought to the surface. All the things I buried for years and the amount of job jumping I did just kept that stuff hidden as I piled on top of it.  Fast Forward to the months leading up to the last 6 months. I had to let go of the fact that my failures were keeping me back. I had to let go of the fact I failed and bailed, but I didn't need to live there. So I had a decision to make. I either grow or remain stunted. So when we came to the park a year later with everyone a year older and wiser, I was ready to face the memory of my failure. The sad thing was I was going through another pulling the ripcord scenario. I wasn't as ashamed as I had come to terms with it and knew it was the right thing and time. Our time at the park was a little on reflecting and more of acknowledging growth and opportunities. I have let so much go and I continue to shake the dead stuff off or eliminate the noise. There's alot brewin and I'm so happy that God has allowed me space and grace to be here to share his blessings on my life! 

What is your truth? - Eghosa Oriaikhi <---- This is powerful! 

Live life on purpose!

The following was shared from the Live.Pray.Love Daily app. This seemed so fitting and I thought it was a great nugget worth sharing. At times we forget to live life on purpose. Enjoying our present, not too wrapped up with living for the future and harboring the past! Be Here, Be Now, Be Alive, Be Love!

Elizabeth Gilbert Says: "But is it such a bad thing to live like this for just a little while? Just for a few months of one's life, is it so awful to travel through time with no greater ambition than to find the next lovely meal? Or to learn how to speak a language for no higher purpose than that it pleases your ear to hear it? Or to nap in a garden, in a patch of sunlight, in the middle of the day, right next to your favourite fountain? And then to do it again the next day?"

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.live.pray.love.daily

Memor(ial) Lane 3 of 5.... It took long to face this road!

Believe something long enough and it becomes real... I forgot who said that when I heard it last week. I've been sitting on this installation for over a week now. I promised myself I would write this a day after the last one, then two days to allow a breather for me emotionally and the possible readers from fatigue, then I said I'll just mirror a week from the previous Sunday so I could say last week and be accurate. I then talked myself out of it, and then Monday happened and I had some commitments that couldn't be broken and that left Tuesday that also got sidetracked and then a week of volunteering, so here we are.

As I write this I look back, it may appear that I wasn't in a rush to get the info out on this story, but in truth, I discussed it four times over the week because I couldn't believe how much I gave up by being a selfish jerk during this time of my life. These little snippets into my life and my transformation have been great and while I know the value and benefit they are to me, it didn't come easy or in a rush. I wish it did, but in reality, one needs to stop living a lie in order for them to live their truth! 

SALEM, MA 26 MAY 2019 - The secrets within...

As I've mentioned before, with our son's baseball schedule consuming much of our weekends, we've not been on or able to commit to our random weekend getaways. So with the holiday weekend, we decided to do some local trips, less than 2 hours each way and as Sunday approached, I knew we couldn't go far or do an overnight as we had plans in CT on Monday for Memorial Day. I don't recall how we landed on the destination for Sunday, but I do recall that stirring in my stomach and the unease I felt when my wife suggested Salem, MA.

My thought process includes what locations do we avoid, who still lives there, what's there to see/do on a Sunday, is it worth going to one place or another, how do I get there again, which memories do I want to trigger, do I want to visit past failures and all of that is swirling before I say yes and even after I say sure. The latter was me accepting that this weekend is about growth and I had to accept that nothing will change unless I do. I was scared as what, but also was sick of running and being fearful of a past that had well run its course and lived its life and did its damage.


WHAT DID THE CITY EVER DO TO YOU? 

When we first arrived we drove around looking for parking and at first, I kept telling myself in all the years I lived here, I could only recollect about maybe visiting 5 places in the city. That may not be a big deal to some, but for a city that was filled with so much and had a huge tourist population only visiting/eating at roughly 5 places is pretty sad. Correction there was possibly 8 places I recall in the city. 5 were restaurants/bars the other 3 were locations for business meetings. I felt so lost and as a true tourist. I had driven by or had been told about many of the places in the city, but I never took my time or took anyone up on seeing more of it.

I was yet again a self-imposed prisoner. We first went through the little mall, and all I knew there was a movie theatre. I couldn't believe how much business was in there and so much to see and enjoy. It was great to see the themes, and how these SMB kept the city going. We exited into an area with more stores, musicians and just energy of this is life. I couldn't believe how much-hidden gems existed in the city. I always felt like the city was a waste of my time and it was just the host to the college. I could not believe all of the stores, quality craftspeople, eateries and art that made this city such a destination. Ok, so what? You found out the city had commerce... and?


HOW MUCH WAS LOST IN THE DARK? 

Why was this a big deal to me many years after my departure from the city? I will admit as someone that had elected positions during my time at college, as public as that side of me was, I was living a private and dark life of dishonesty. It's because of that so much of my time in that city was such a  blur and one that I'm embarrassed to share. I kept my relationships private and my nose clean for a variety of reasons. On my relationships, one reason was that it allowed me to keep my options open.

Now, this isn't an exclusive concept and one that I'm sure some of you may have done or been the unknowing recipient of.  Because of this, there was a lot of what's done in the dark, would never come to light. Well now, I'm shedding some therapeutic light on it, but in reality, it's sad because that action kept me away from people, genuine relationships, opportunities, experiences and of course a city filled with so much life and light! I wouldn't want to be seen for fear that my relationships would cross or be exposed, I didn't want to be seen in public as the appearance of a "date" would mean we had to establish something and then it was real and then I was stuck.

I had many nights where the conversation never left my room or hall, and in retrospect what a shame. I kept myself and those in my life away from an experience that would and could have shaped their social spectrum in a better and more positive light. I can't believe how much I was hiding, from my race, from my true self, from my failure as a person, from my inability to love and care beyond my selfish ways.  As wicked of a city as Salem presents itself, I was wrestling with more darkness and unhappiness and just stewing in poor and unhappy relationships or interactions.


WHAT WAS LOST CAN'T BE REGAINED! 

The words of this man, facing the mirror is not proud of the lives he stunted during his time in the city of Salem. The pain still rings in my ear, mind, and heart as if the witch trials were to happen again. I've been at the stake for many years, but just burning and playing the pain over and over again. Never allowing the loop to cease, or the resolution to evolve, mature and just fade away.

What I focused on remained alive and well,

and I kept death alive! 

I chose not to let go of the pain that I caused and harbored that for many years. I mean do you know how much it sucks to go to someplace so big that your anxiety would make it seem so small by the fear of that person coming to blow up your spot. Them holding a grudge so long that they can't want to hurt and damage you to an equal or greater extent. Imagine NYC feeling like a block long and every error you've ever made in life was behind each door waiting to smack you for repayment. That's my prison on repeat. There was no pause or fast forward, it was playing and the loop continued...no resolution, no end, no get over it, no growth or death... I was in fact slowly dying and I could never get that life and lost time back. I felt it's what I deserved for what I took from those whom I emotionally stole from.  When I would get close for any job or just passing through the anxiety would consume so much of my mind, and would make me uneasy. 

AGAIN, WHY AREN'T YOU OVER IT? 

I took the time to face the challenge head-on and sat and enjoyed the day. Looked at me and forgave myself for being so selfish. I kept my family away from this experience due to my past errors and fear. This day we faced it head on with all the joy and light that allows for continued growth. We saw some great art, some interesting shops, and owners and had some amazing conversations. My mistakes may not be erased in some minds and hearts, but this city never did anything to me and would have made me stronger if only I had embraced it sooner, both during school and after my return back to the area. Our day in Salem started out stressful, at least to me it did, and it wasn't due to the witches, it was due to the demons I was still wrestling with. It smoothed out when I again allowed myself to understand, not accept, but understand that time in my life. I'm not perfect, I'm not trying to validate my actions, I am working on the best version that I've been created to be. Along my journey, I made some painful turns and decisions that we're planned in my mind, but according to the plan on my life as evidenced by my life today, It was certainly for a reason. I welcome your feedback or just hope I can spark a thought or a moment of reflection. I'm still working through my errors and I know I wasn't ready for facing the reality of my failed life...

Summer Chill Vibes...

The sun sets and rises every day, 
even when it's cloudy in your world, there's light in someone else's! 

Memor(ial) Lane 2 of 5.... Ok, so I may have lied!

I HID BEHIND THE KEYS! 

I was reviewing my post from last night (Thursday 5/30/19) and after speaking with some important people in my life today, I realised that I lied. I wasn't totally honest. I was still hiding behind a past that I'm slowly peeling back layers on. Someone saw the post and said to me it's great that you got over it and you're doing so well to put it all behind you. Another told me I didn't know how much and how deep this was and dam has it held you back. Those two comments alone were so reflective of what happened last Saturday, but before I go there, let me confess one more thing. 

Yes, I wrote the post yesterday with the hopes that it would make its way to the person that I hurt. I wrote it hoping that she would contact me and say let's talk, or I forgive you, or I'm over it or anything that would free me. What a selfish reason and the universe said to me in the message from these two important people; 

1. See the joy in your pain, 

2. Really get over, through and past it! 

While I'm on the other side, I was still holding onto the pain and not allowing it to free itself from me and remain where it belongs, but what a message the Universe sent me and slapped me hard with FACTS! That makes day two so much sweeter as I also lied to myself last Saturday! 

MEREDITH, NH - 25 May 2019 

With our son's baseball schedule we've not been taking our weekend trips/getaways, but I realised late that we had the weekend off, and I didn't want to spend any money as I try to curb that habit. So we awoke on Saturday and debated where would we go? We try to go minimum between 90 to 120 mins to allow the kids some time to relax and enjoy the trip. We racked our brains for a bit to remember where we went a couple years ago to the lake where I had just happened to stop by after a weekend visit to one of my locations. We kept spewing names of cities, lakes and so forth until we remembered it began with an M, and we landed on Meredith, NH. We weren't sure where to go as we literally just ended up there the last time.

The kids always ask us where are we going, my answer is usually wherever the gas takes us, and that was the case a couple of years ago. I zoomed in on the lake in Meredith, NH courtesy of Google Maps and found the lakeside restaurant that we could stop at, so I put it in my GPS and as I zoomed in more, it was the one that we passed by near the lake as well, so this was all shaping up to be a great trip. 

HOLD UP, WAIT A MINUTE, YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO THERE? 

As we prepared, my emotions and anxiety started to stir up. NH holds a near and fear (not a typo, I meant near and fear) place in my life and heart. Yes, yet another ex, another place I lived, another place where I left and hurt some important people, and had some fond and enjoyable memories. I told myself drive through it man.... just drive through it. I would be passing Concord, Laconia, and Belmont to get to Meredith or at least seeing the signs for these cities along our journey. Again my heart and head did a sweep and just tried my hardest to sort the direction forward out. We packed up the car and began the 90 mins journey. 

NH was a place that I love and dislike, as much as it loved and disliked me! I lived here with an ex and her family welcomed me as well, and yes there was a race issue as well, no not the races at Loudon, NH, I meant me being a black male with a white woman,  in an all-white family, in an all-white country town. Did I really not know any better, or was I blinded by love is love is love, except when they make an exception with their fingers crossed that either their little girl will fail or the guy she's with will! I thought it was love, but in reality, it was the convenience, safety, and gap that this relationship filled in my life at that time. (Love came after, but it was too late!) 

So much was gained, but much more was lost. I remember when I created a serious mixtape using as much antiquated audio equipment to make a mixtape to get back an ex while I was in NH with my current "friend." I use the quotes because it was an FWB, and I was fearful to call it anything more as I was scared to close out the possibility of being with my ex. I worked hard to get her back all the while hurting this "friend." Working on proving my love to another while a great person stood by me and just watched me hurt her daily. (I'm writing this from an elevated space looking at her pain, my ignorance, and stupidity. It pains me to write this, but it's to free myself and anyone else holding on to a past that has kept you from a present and a mindful future!)

YES, SHE HATES ME AND WITH REASON!

Wouldn't you as well? Who would stand by someone that would not want to state their relationship? A man that was just using because he was too immature, too lost and too ashamed to get his shit together? This went on far too long and I owed this person more than an apology or a million apologies. This story is deeper than the few words I've shared but as deep as that was it was more painful to own the fact that I really openly hurt a special person. She never deserved my treatment and I never deserved her! That was just part of the pain I feel every time I pass the cities we shared and the memories the state holds against me. 

HOW ABOUT YOUR FAMILY IGNORING YOU IN YOUR FACE AS WELL?!

You know what slapped back was that at this same place in Meredith, our final destination, we spotted my older brother there with a female friend two years ago he totally ignored us! My wife noticed him on a boat and we stood visibly so he could see us on the dock, called out to him, and waited to see if he would acknowledge us and come and see our son as he's not seen him ever! We waited and no response, so we said ok, we continued to enjoy the lake and the kids dipped their toes in the water and he remained on the boat with his friend and they were docked the whole time and not once did he make contact. We were there for a good while and decided to leave and as we left we said you know what let's circle back and just say what's up.... we went back, and they were on the boardwalk heading to the restaurant and still not a word. Now you're wondering what happened between us? So am I! 

This slapped hard as we're a small family with a lot of death at this time, and family remains important, but each person has their own lives to live, crosses to bear and decisions to make. If one chooses to be out or in our lives we can only respond to what they provide. We still don't have an answer at this time and have never heard or seen him since that day. So you know my hope in going back last weekend was to be a light at the end of a dark tunnel. The dark tunnel was my trip up there through those towns or signs and the light would be that two years had passed and we could reconcile and talk if he were to be there by chance! Fingers crossed!!!! 

WELL, THAT'S A CHITTY PIECE OF HOPE! 

We made it there, I felt the fear in the pit of my stomach because the guy I was in Concord, Laconia, Belmont was being exorcised from me. He was being buried in the woods somewhere up North. (That's a metaphor and not a real crime! Don't want SVU hollering at ya boy! :-) ) The elevation was allowing me to breathe clearly, with a clear head and a peace that was freeing me from the person and things I had done again over 15 years ago. I smiled at each of those cities and their signs as I felt I had conquered a chunk of fear and was stepping to a better place and space. I had one more piece I was hoping I could close and it was with my brother. Technically he closed us out a couple years ago after many years of it, and I was hoping to put a bow on our relationship if we could meet up. We got there and there was not a boat with him on it... we visited the path we walked talked about the trip, stopped by the boat landing and went to a craft fair. It then began to rain, it was a sign that I was sad I didn't get to close this chapter, but in reality, the universe said, I'm washing away this moment because it doesn't exist in time. It was created by me and it has no life because it died two years ago! 

DON'T TURN AROUND!!! I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU CRYING! 

I'll tell you when you're sentenced to life, or when you sentence yourself to a life of regret and suffering, you can never get that time back. Your mistakes can haunt you forever, but they had a life, a time and place, and the damage was done. You can not take it back or change the outcome. You also can't punish yourself for life, it's not how we were created. We can learn, and the best suggestion I have is to have the willingness to learn from your mistakes and missteps and to don't live a life of fear, regret or suffering. Everyone gets to their point in time, at their point in time. I'm not doing this for any kind of recognition or absolution, I've beat myself up for far too long and it's not gotten me any closer to being a better person. This is a step in my journey to being the better and beat version of me I was created to be! 

Some music to ease or clear your mind....

Memor(ial) Lane 1 of 5.... Give Thanks!

WHO AM I, CERTAINLY NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE FALLEN! 

I would like to begin this series by giving thanks to the many men, women and military families that have given their time and ultimate sacrifice to provide the freedom we enjoy today. When I started to think about this series, It was difficult for me to think about what I've been going through and how my week connected to loss and memory, but my selfishness was never at a level that was felt or endured by the soldiers and their families. It's because of that honesty, I didn't post this sooner, however, it could not be ignored as it was stirring in my spirit daily and just kept bubbling to the surface.

So what? What's this have to do with anything? As I read back what I just wrote, at first glance it could seem selfish and confusing. To put it into better perspective from Friday, May 24th to Monday, May 27th, I was on a journey that really woke my spirit up and forced me to face and walk through my many fears. I wrestled with the importance of posting it on Memorial Day as my life with challenges holds less weight than the many fallen soldiers. The weekend and holiday reminded me to remember the fallen soldiers, it also reminded me to remember my fallen past, take hold of my failing present to forge a memorable future!

Get a little closer... Don't be shy, Get a little closer, it's ok to cry!!! (3 of 3)

THE DARKNESS NEEDS LIGHT! 

We all know there's a season to everything and as the Bible says, joy comes in the morning....I've wished for too long that my mornings would never come to be... 

That statement is so dark, depressing, sad, cold, lonely and painful, I If I have to sum it up in some words. Which one of these are you really hiding/living behind? Wishing that morning wouldn't come? Every week I am faced with the same questions, including "Have you wished that you would go to sleep and never wake up?" My answer is always a resounding NO as if I won that question, but in reality, I was losing; Losing at life!

Some have heard this question, some may currently be answering this question, some are fighting this question and yet you still can't seem to find the answer, yet you carry along behind a mask with the hopes that someday things will turn around. I don't speak to judge, but from a place of understanding, sympathy, and care and from that place of darkness.

Many people speak of their depression, of the people that they know that have been lost to it, about the struggle and daily battle of living with it. It's not easy and it's not embarrassing! It's also not the only diagnosis to run to if things aren't or haven't been well in your life. What's my point?

SHARPEN YOUR FOCUS! 

In today's life, it's easy to say we're not competing to not compete with the competitors, but we forget that the non compete space is also getting a bit crowded. So the do your own thing space as redefined by certain types of people also has begun to get crowded. So what will work for me? What do I want to do? It's ok to not know, but it's not ok to not want to know.  In my meaning, I'm suggesting to keep moving and don't get stuck. The more you move/do, the more stuff gets out of your way, the clearer the path becomes and more things come to you, because along the way, you opened, shook off and focused!

It's easy to become overwhelmed to look at the big picture so much that you forget the details that make the picture come together. This isn't a new concept, I'm not sharing breaking news or revelatory information, I am merely saying, let's give it a try! I've been pushing for my next thing for years and I've missed and lost so much. I've been hoping to have enough funds, status, clout or whatever currency is necessary to buy myself forgiveness and then be able to get over things and enjoy a small fraction of my life just in time to die.

I must admit, I never focused on the right things.

I never focused on the details that make the big picture, I never read the chapters to the book,  I never invested enough or reinvested in the nouns that mattered to me, I just lived, or so I thought. 


LIVING DID NOT EQUAL HAPPY!

You know what it equals, especially if you don't care... it equals loss. That's the most simple way to put it. Loss of loved ones, moments, self and the nouns that matter most. When I started to write this, I thought I was going to get to the point of enjoying the seeds of the pepper sooner but realised that there was a lot more before we got there. What're the seeds of the pepper?

During my conversation last week, someone said... you have to zoom in and focus in on everything you're doing! To myself I thought I do that always, through lists, being as organised as I can be, by keeping to a schedule, etc, but in reality, I was still filling buckets with holes. She said zoom in and focus even on the seeds of the pepper you are cutting. I said in my head, who cares about the seeds of the pepper? In my other mind, I said, well the pepper does and the person that is about to enjoy it should.

The point, whether it's the seed in the pepper, the grain in the coffee table, the spark in your significant other, the light in your kids' eyes, be present and be in that moment. Not wondering about the gain, how long will this take, why is this important,  Not what's my next up or how are we going to level up? When you invest in being, you fill a void in your BEING!


IT'S NOT EASY THOUGH!

Try it, but trust me it is hella hard. Getting closer, being tuned in zoned in, zoomed in, focused in and all other ways to silence the noise... It's a challenge and I'm still learning. What I am learning is that getting over the past becomes easier when you focus on the present. The present loves you being present...and your past, if horrid, usually wants to hate you. Focusing on the nouns now and becoming a better you, will bring back those that matter most.

You can't pray and not have faith simultaneously, something has to give and I say give in to faith that all things work for the good to them that believe!

There's a version of you where this is just a moment in time and you will reflect on this period and grow from it.... make it count!

Finding My Out, In! : Get a little closer... (2 of 3) Is it fair?

Finding My Out, In! : Get a little closer... (2 of 3) Is it fair?: Wait,  whaaaaaaaaaat? Forgive myself for hurting people?  Shouldn't they accept my apology for me hurting them, and then I can work on...

Get a little closer... (2 of 3) Is it fair?

Wait,  whaaaaaaaaaat? Forgive myself for hurting people? 

Shouldn't they accept my apology for me hurting them, and then I can work on forgiving me after they have forgiven me? 

Is it fair? That sounds fair, right? That makes sense right? It's been my rationale for years and here I am still stuck. I hate writing about me and sounding like I'm complaining or whining, but in reality, I've hidden for so long that the emotions and actions of who I was haunt me daily and have created a darker parallel world that is so unfair to my reality. 

WHEN DID I LOSE ME? 

I lost me at the age of 20 and that person has been living a deep dark well criticism, failure, and pain. I try to hide behind various roles, relationships, coattails and so much other pretend ish.  The person I was to be, the person I thought and promised I would be, the person with joy and light was lost around the age of 20. Do you recall when you lost your smile, your light, and your dream? Do you recall when you found it or had that ah-ha moment when you said this is what I'm willing to die for no matter what? My faith has me wrestling with the idea that I was created for bigger, and the wrestle is with my reality that says you don't deserve it because you've not deposited enough good Karma or it's not been an equal gain vs loss. Confusing right? 

WHY ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE BRO? 

How do you think I can live in this world of sadness, darkness and depressive energy? It's because of the fact that I've made pain, loss, and sadness my reality, despite the amount of joy, love, and light I have been blessed with. I never gave them my full attention, love or investment. I never looked deeper for my reason for being given those items. I focused more on the fact that I took light, love, and joy from someone, there is no way me having it would last, so I never gave it enough life, love, and light. I kept cutting the root from the blessings, I wouldn't let it settle or give it enough room or love to grow and sustain me or the source. It's been tough robbing myself of the greatness that I possess and my purpose. It's sad that I have stolen time from people that I never developed or grew into more because I never allowed it to. 

A thief that never allowed the wall to be knocked down, that never allowed the bad to just fade away and let the life of now shine. I was too scared to fail so I killed progress before it happened. 

THE DARKNESS NEEDS LIGHT! 

We all know there's a season to everything and as the Bible says, joy comes in the morning....I've wished for too long that my mornings would never come to be... 

Get a little closer... (1 of 3)

Remember that commercial from back in the day? It's been sitting in my spirit for days and I don't know why I can't shake it? Besides that jingle, I've had some very challenging and recurring dreams and visions that also have not made any sense, but put me into a tailspin of fear and loathing! 😕

The other day I had a meeting that made some of it make sense to me. Besides the fear of the unknown, I was also scared to accept and forgive myself. 

We all have a past that may not shine as bright as our present, however, some of us, myself included having a hard time shining possibly because sadly the brightest part of our lives lay within our past. I have given so much light to my past and my present feels so dim. A past that has lots of hurt, pain and buried memories, but for some reason, my body has continued to move, but my mind and spirit have not moved on.

Letting go has been the biggest failure of my failing life. I've held on to the brokenness of my past and never taken the time to repair or replace them. I need an infusion of funds to fix this problem, well that's my belief.  I can solve all of my failures with money, but that's not true.  Money is certainly needed to dig me out, but it's only a piece of it. It won't change the hearts or minds I have broken or hurt. 

Here's why I'm sharing this....it's created a wedge in my life.  One that has barred me from GENUINELY;

- being happy,
- feeling happy,
- living happy and
- sharing happiness!

I have held on to a world and past of unhappiness and pushed so many people away and created so much loss that I don't know if I can pull any back into a space of relative relations? 

I was told that I need to get over it and forgive myself for the decisions and ways I acted when I was young, selfish, single and just not as experienced as I am now. Allow yourself to forgive yourself. 

Wait,  whaaaaaaaaaat? Forgive myself for hurting people? Shouldn't they forgive me for hurting them?

Great question right, but do I have 15 to 20 more years to be unhappy wondering when my life will be ready, stable and looking good enough to buy their forgiveness? Will I die working to be forgiven? Will they die living a life that paid me not mind after my errors? I'm still working through being better at being a better me......

For now, I'm still wrestling with accepting the idea that I need to forgive myself for who I used to be. That is what brings me closer....

To be continued....

I'm scared to die....

Wow what a powerful statement to admit, and believe me your life shifts when you say it and own it!

....but, let's rewind for a little bit. 

So it's clear that I've not been here for some time, but let's also admit it, neither have you! 😁😉 Ok now that's out of the way, let's speak on it for a minute.  I've not been here as for many of us life happens, and socials always tend to take a piece of our lives we're willing to give up. So my presumption is that if you piece all the socials together you'll get a full sense of my current state, but that's a lie right about now.  It's been covered by lots of shade or lack or transparency! I'm about to go deep, or surface until it hurts, but let's dive in.....

Recently I've been in a funk..like a deep ass funk. I'm mean to many close to me, I'm distant to many close to me, I'm lost in a false version of me.  I'm so happy for the many in my world whether it's one or two layers of connection that continue to do what makes them happy. To circle in a world that moves them and their worlds forward.  Everyday I keep praying, but not giving up control for what will be my break?

I thought that some recent conversations would have led to the next thing for me, but the reality was/is I am not ready for it.  I mean the best thing could be in front of me but I haven't done the work to prepare for it and I am quick to blame a series of past doings on why my present is stunted! I know what I want and what gives me life and I can push through so much to get close it, but if I can't overcome the barricade to accept and live in it, then it matters not. So why am I scared to die?

I answered a question recently of what do I fear? While it took me about 12 hours of chewing on it I finally accepted that my fear is being stuck and complacent! That to me is a death sentence! I don't want to accept that searching is my purpose in life. That's selfish. There is a gift within me that I was created to give and that will be fulfilling for me.  I can't spend another 20 years searching and feeling like there is a weight on me that is just trying to kill me because I'm not where I need to be. I would rather that be an energy of enlightenment and life!

I'm scared because I know that I'm scared to take a risk of being without.  I made a promise to myself and family that we will never lack again. Ironically the suffering, mental death and sacrifice I'm making now, are making the world around me lack the true version of me and my being.  What a perplexing space to be in. 

I need a job where I can live and enjoy living  and a better balanced me! One where I can travel, I can help you be your best you, I can make a great salary, I can get the team, Brand, business and self to the next level and lastly one that allows me to use my strengths!

Before I get there the plan is to work on self and accept some more and dump some of my ugly to allow me to shift to the better me that awaits! I know it awaits because it keeps disrupting my status quo!

Eliminate to Illuminate

Recently I've been in a state of wondering and slowy drifting into the lane of wandering.