I HID BEHIND THE KEYS!
I was reviewing my post from last night (Thursday 5/30/19) and after speaking with some important people in my life today, I realised that I lied. I wasn't totally honest. I was still hiding behind a past that I'm slowly peeling back layers on. Someone saw the post and said to me it's great that you got over it and you're doing so well to put it all behind you. Another told me I didn't know how much and how deep this was and dam has it held you back. Those two comments alone were so reflective of what happened last Saturday, but before I go there, let me confess one more thing.
Yes, I wrote the post yesterday with the hopes that it would make its way to the person that I hurt. I wrote it hoping that she would contact me and say let's talk, or I forgive you, or I'm over it or anything that would free me. What a selfish reason and the universe said to me in the message from these two important people;
1. See the joy in your pain,
2. Really get over, through and past it!
While I'm on the other side, I was still holding onto the pain and not allowing it to free itself from me and remain where it belongs, but what a message the Universe sent me and slapped me hard with FACTS! That makes day two so much sweeter as I also lied to myself last Saturday!
MEREDITH, NH - 25 May 2019
With our son's baseball schedule we've not been taking our weekend trips/getaways, but I realised late that we had the weekend off, and I didn't want to spend any money as I try to curb that habit. So we awoke on Saturday and debated where would we go? We try to go minimum between 90 to 120 mins to allow the kids some time to relax and enjoy the trip. We racked our brains for a bit to remember where we went a couple years ago to the lake where I had just happened to stop by after a weekend visit to one of my locations. We kept spewing names of cities, lakes and so forth until we remembered it began with an M, and we landed on Meredith, NH. We weren't sure where to go as we literally just ended up there the last time.
The kids always ask us where are we going, my answer is usually wherever the gas takes us, and that was the case a couple of years ago. I zoomed in on the lake in Meredith, NH courtesy of Google Maps and found the lakeside restaurant that we could stop at, so I put it in my GPS and as I zoomed in more, it was the one that we passed by near the lake as well, so this was all shaping up to be a great trip.
HOLD UP, WAIT A MINUTE, YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO THERE?
As we prepared, my emotions and anxiety started to stir up. NH holds a near and fear (not a typo, I meant near and fear) place in my life and heart. Yes, yet another ex, another place I lived, another place where I left and hurt some important people, and had some fond and enjoyable memories. I told myself drive through it man.... just drive through it. I would be passing Concord, Laconia, and Belmont to get to Meredith or at least seeing the signs for these cities along our journey. Again my heart and head did a sweep and just tried my hardest to sort the direction forward out. We packed up the car and began the 90 mins journey.
NH was a place that I love and dislike, as much as it loved and disliked me! I lived here with an ex and her family welcomed me as well, and yes there was a race issue as well, no not the races at Loudon, NH, I meant me being a black male with a white woman, in an all-white family, in an all-white country town. Did I really not know any better, or was I blinded by love is love is love, except when they make an exception with their fingers crossed that either their little girl will fail or the guy she's with will! I thought it was love, but in reality, it was the convenience, safety, and gap that this relationship filled in my life at that time. (Love came after, but it was too late!)
So much was gained, but much more was lost. I remember when I created a serious mixtape using as much antiquated audio equipment to make a mixtape to get back an ex while I was in NH with my current "friend." I use the quotes because it was an FWB, and I was fearful to call it anything more as I was scared to close out the possibility of being with my ex. I worked hard to get her back all the while hurting this "friend." Working on proving my love to another while a great person stood by me and just watched me hurt her daily. (I'm writing this from an elevated space looking at her pain, my ignorance, and stupidity. It pains me to write this, but it's to free myself and anyone else holding on to a past that has kept you from a present and a mindful future!)
YES, SHE HATES ME AND WITH REASON!
Wouldn't you as well? Who would stand by someone that would not want to state their relationship? A man that was just using because he was too immature, too lost and too ashamed to get his shit together? This went on far too long and I owed this person more than an apology or a million apologies. This story is deeper than the few words I've shared but as deep as that was it was more painful to own the fact that I really openly hurt a special person. She never deserved my treatment and I never deserved her! That was just part of the pain I feel every time I pass the cities we shared and the memories the state holds against me.
HOW ABOUT YOUR FAMILY IGNORING YOU IN YOUR FACE AS WELL?!
You know what slapped back was that at this same place in Meredith, our final destination, we spotted my older brother there with a female friend two years ago he totally ignored us! My wife noticed him on a boat and we stood visibly so he could see us on the dock, called out to him, and waited to see if he would acknowledge us and come and see our son as he's not seen him ever! We waited and no response, so we said ok, we continued to enjoy the lake and the kids dipped their toes in the water and he remained on the boat with his friend and they were docked the whole time and not once did he make contact. We were there for a good while and decided to leave and as we left we said you know what let's circle back and just say what's up.... we went back, and they were on the boardwalk heading to the restaurant and still not a word. Now you're wondering what happened between us? So am I!
This slapped hard as we're a small family with a lot of death at this time, and family remains important, but each person has their own lives to live, crosses to bear and decisions to make. If one chooses to be out or in our lives we can only respond to what they provide. We still don't have an answer at this time and have never heard or seen him since that day. So you know my hope in going back last weekend was to be a light at the end of a dark tunnel. The dark tunnel was my trip up there through those towns or signs and the light would be that two years had passed and we could reconcile and talk if he were to be there by chance! Fingers crossed!!!!
WELL, THAT'S A CHITTY PIECE OF HOPE!
We made it there, I felt the fear in the pit of my stomach because the guy I was in Concord, Laconia, Belmont was being exorcised from me. He was being buried in the woods somewhere up North. (That's a metaphor and not a real crime! Don't want SVU hollering at ya boy! :-) ) The elevation was allowing me to breathe clearly, with a clear head and a peace that was freeing me from the person and things I had done again over 15 years ago. I smiled at each of those cities and their signs as I felt I had conquered a chunk of fear and was stepping to a better place and space. I had one more piece I was hoping I could close and it was with my brother. Technically he closed us out a couple years ago after many years of it, and I was hoping to put a bow on our relationship if we could meet up. We got there and there was not a boat with him on it... we visited the path we walked talked about the trip, stopped by the boat landing and went to a craft fair. It then began to rain, it was a sign that I was sad I didn't get to close this chapter, but in reality, the universe said, I'm washing away this moment because it doesn't exist in time. It was created by me and it has no life because it died two years ago!
DON'T TURN AROUND!!! I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU CRYING!
I'll tell you when you're sentenced to life, or when you sentence yourself to a life of regret and suffering, you can never get that time back. Your mistakes can haunt you forever, but they had a life, a time and place, and the damage was done. You can not take it back or change the outcome. You also can't punish yourself for life, it's not how we were created. We can learn, and the best suggestion I have is to have the willingness to learn from your mistakes and missteps and to don't live a life of fear, regret or suffering. Everyone gets to their point in time, at their point in time. I'm not doing this for any kind of recognition or absolution, I've beat myself up for far too long and it's not gotten me any closer to being a better person. This is a step in my journey to being the better and beat version of me I was created to be!
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