Memor(ial) Lane 1 of 5.... Give Thanks!

WHO AM I, CERTAINLY NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE FALLEN! 

I would like to begin this series by giving thanks to the many men, women and military families that have given their time and ultimate sacrifice to provide the freedom we enjoy today. When I started to think about this series, It was difficult for me to think about what I've been going through and how my week connected to loss and memory, but my selfishness was never at a level that was felt or endured by the soldiers and their families. It's because of that honesty, I didn't post this sooner, however, it could not be ignored as it was stirring in my spirit daily and just kept bubbling to the surface.

So what? What's this have to do with anything? As I read back what I just wrote, at first glance it could seem selfish and confusing. To put it into better perspective from Friday, May 24th to Monday, May 27th, I was on a journey that really woke my spirit up and forced me to face and walk through my many fears. I wrestled with the importance of posting it on Memorial Day as my life with challenges holds less weight than the many fallen soldiers. The weekend and holiday reminded me to remember the fallen soldiers, it also reminded me to remember my fallen past, take hold of my failing present to forge a memorable future!

WHERE'S THE PAIN? HAVERHILL, MA - 24 May 2019 

For the last three days I've composed this blog in my head and on paper, but just never wanted to commit to sitting and sharing it. Doing that would mean that the situations were real and I would be responsible for changing and making these words a reality in the progressive and affirmative, so here goes! For four days my life took an unexpected turn with a host of events that challenged me to accept, release, face fears and cry to the point of tears of joy! 

IT WAS ALL A DREAM, OR SO I THOUGHT! 

I had a meeting set up for Friday morning and this was a last minute meeting, so I was certain to make it. It was in Haverhill, MA but I have not been to that town in years. So as I started to prepare for the meeting a few days before, my anxiety and fear overtook me. Why? See I used to live in Haverhill with my ex-girlfriend and prior to her, I had never heard of the city and could barely pronounce it. It made for great conversations, but it was where she was from and it was soon part of my life during my years at college. I was under this fear of bumping into her, her family or any memory that would trigger fear, sadness and any other emotional connection that would ultimately remind me that I messed up and lost and hurt a wonderful person.

Now this fog of fear and gasping for air, poor sleep had controlled my nights right up until that morning. I told myself, man up and get the eff over it! First, this meeting is important, second none of them live there anymore, and third dam man it's been nearly 15 years, really you're still in that jail cell? I got ready, got to the meeting and it was in a part of the city that I had never been to, but full disclosure, my memory of space and time is poor, but of pain is clear. So while I had never been to this part of the city, I was certainly in a beautiful part of it and was in a great mood post my meeting. I remember our old address clear as day since I wrote a lot of letters begging for forgiveness, it was the address to the first family that took me in because of the love I provided their daughter, it was my summer home, it was the address I sent a lot of gifts to, so it was in my memory.

COORDINATES TOWARDS DEATH!

I plugged the address in, and all of the energies of the pain I caused came back and consumed my body. It felt as if I died and was on autopilot towards the home I had driven to for some time. I was certainly not present because I was wrestling fear, common sense, and reality! I passed by the barren cross street and said you're almost there, 5th Ave, 6th Ave, 7th Ave, Turn right in 1000 feet... I'm almost there... in my mind I'm still thinking that they are there and I can show up and say I'm sorry.

As I made the right and looked on a street that was blurred and buried out of my memory I pulled up to the house. Your destination will be on the right the GPS said to me. I stopped, lost my breath and began to cry. I was sinking in my driver's seat, and slowly driving past the home that shaped a part of my being. It was here that I was taken in, and soon violated the trust of a family who trusted me and welcomed me with open arms and genuine love. It was here I had a conversation about why I would have a hard time hanging with her best friend who disliked me because of my skin color. It was here I had a conversation with her parents about faith and that their love for me would allow them to sacrifice her grandparents spending time at their home. It was here that they made us our own place in the basement, it was here where I learned how to live with another person that you loved, and what a relationship meant, it was here that I also first saw the worst version of myself. 

As I mentioned I violated their trust, I didn't steal or anything like that, however, I wasn't an honest partner and this caused us to break up, but still live together. I'm not excusing myself for being a young and extremely immature individual, but man was I stupid. While we continued to live together I was still ungrateful as I had nowhere to go, and they allowed me to live there while they were at their summer home up at the beach. No, I didn't have any parties, I worked and came back home. I recall one night post our break up, I believe that she was dating or seeing or talking to another guy and I was all sorts of jealous and there was no stopping how I translated my hurt into words and destructive action. I never physically hurt her or the guy she was with, but in my mind and heart, I did. I had never ever in my life wanted some to be gone as much as I did with this cat. I had never known what rage, hurt, pain and loss all looked liked cloaked in jealousy.

Now while I was there all of that flowed through me as well as my recollection of the cars driven, how the parking arrangement was, the dinners and the love and joy that was displayed and shared all came to the top. Why am I sorry? For being ungrateful, for being disrespectful, for being a selfish asshole and for not understanding the pain I caused. What's my apology worth now? Probably nothing, but before I drove off, I called out each of the family members names and said a prayer of gratitude, asked for forgiveness and for their eternal covering for joy and love.

FORWARD TO A FUTURE! 

As I departed, I realised that this drive was necessary and more releasing than I thought. I moved forward and took a lot of deep breaths. This was edited and there are so much more layers to this story, but digging it up would be the opposite of my trajectory. I continue the process of forgiving myself for being that person in the past. If the opportunity to share my apologies in person would present itself, I would gladly sit and face it, but as I write that, has anyone else really lived with this noise for the last 15 years and not moved on? I think not, and this was just the first day...