Get a little closer... (1 of 3)

Remember that commercial from back in the day? It's been sitting in my spirit for days and I don't know why I can't shake it? Besides that jingle, I've had some very challenging and recurring dreams and visions that also have not made any sense, but put me into a tailspin of fear and loathing! 😕

The other day I had a meeting that made some of it make sense to me. Besides the fear of the unknown, I was also scared to accept and forgive myself. 

We all have a past that may not shine as bright as our present, however, some of us, myself included having a hard time shining possibly because sadly the brightest part of our lives lay within our past. I have given so much light to my past and my present feels so dim. A past that has lots of hurt, pain and buried memories, but for some reason, my body has continued to move, but my mind and spirit have not moved on.

Letting go has been the biggest failure of my failing life. I've held on to the brokenness of my past and never taken the time to repair or replace them. I need an infusion of funds to fix this problem, well that's my belief.  I can solve all of my failures with money, but that's not true.  Money is certainly needed to dig me out, but it's only a piece of it. It won't change the hearts or minds I have broken or hurt. 

Here's why I'm sharing this....it's created a wedge in my life.  One that has barred me from GENUINELY;

- being happy,
- feeling happy,
- living happy and
- sharing happiness!

I have held on to a world and past of unhappiness and pushed so many people away and created so much loss that I don't know if I can pull any back into a space of relative relations? 

I was told that I need to get over it and forgive myself for the decisions and ways I acted when I was young, selfish, single and just not as experienced as I am now. Allow yourself to forgive yourself. 

Wait,  whaaaaaaaaaat? Forgive myself for hurting people? Shouldn't they forgive me for hurting them?

Great question right, but do I have 15 to 20 more years to be unhappy wondering when my life will be ready, stable and looking good enough to buy their forgiveness? Will I die working to be forgiven? Will they die living a life that paid me not mind after my errors? I'm still working through being better at being a better me......

For now, I'm still wrestling with accepting the idea that I need to forgive myself for who I used to be. That is what brings me closer....

To be continued....